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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I get a vasectomy

550 replies

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 10:08

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP posts:
TakeANote · 29/01/2020 15:20

*is

YellowBeryl · 29/01/2020 15:24

My DH had a vasectomy in his early thirties, because he and his wife decided they didn't want anymore children. They decided that it was the better way rather for her to continue with chemical birth control. Then she left him. Took the children and went back on chemical birth control. When we met we explored reversal but the success rate was very low. This was 30 years ago so this could have improved. So we decided to accept our lot.
Shortly after I married, my sister was told another pregnancy could be risky, so her DH offered to have a vasectomy. She chose to be steralised as it was she who was told not to have any more children, not her DH.
I guess what I am trying to say, is please think carefully before making such an important decision.

gamerchick · 29/01/2020 15:30

The trial of the male pill was ended due to side effects in the men such as bad skin. Funny how women are conditioned to just put up with side effects but they're a dealbreaker for men

Ah I know man, the reasons that ended really pissed me off. God forbid the poor menz get side effects.

Looks like you have a choice to make OP. FIY the depot turned me into a monster and I gained weight. Ever ever again.

If you don't want the snip then don't but you can't expect sex on tap if she wants to come off contraception. If my bloke came to me with a list of other stuff to try just so he didnt have to put some work in, he wouldn't be getting anything for a while.

Sounds like condoms are your only option along with natural cycle planning. You'll lose the right to do it whenever you please but there are windows where it's probably safer

PatellarTendonitis · 29/01/2020 15:43

Still trying to put all the load on her because you're 'sad' you don't get to keep squirting away guilt free. Suggesting more contraceptive methods to her is not on. FFS. 'Depo sounds promising', but you're not the one who'll use it. And here's a little side note: they downplay the side effects to women all the time and women are conditioned to accept horrific side effects. They hard sell LARC and if it doesn't work for you they do not want to pull it out (coils and implants) because these things cost money.

I had a Mirena. Ten months of constant bleeding, horrible skin, mood sunk like the Titanic and took my libido with it. It was great birth control! I didn't want sex.

The copper coil, same thing, constant bleeding with heavy bleeding in between. Great for the sex life!

You say you can't live without sex. Well, side effects from some of this shit might mean you will be.

Female sterilisation, most trusts will no longer fund this. It's way more expensive than vasectomy.

So condoms combined with natural family planning. That is the only thing you should be suggesting to her, not what else she can put into her body so you can keep on as usual. And a serious discussion about what will happen if she gets pregnant again. A man who doesn't want more kids uses a condom or has the snip.

Personally if someone told me they expected me to be responsible for contraception because they might want kids with someone else I'd not think too highly of him, tbh.

PatellarTendonitis · 29/01/2020 15:46

Depo can also be a factor in the development of osteoperosis. Some HCPs suggest not using it for too long due to this. Also it can cause terrible side effects and then you can't get rid of them. Compare than with snapping a condom on. There isn't a comparison.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 29/01/2020 15:50

A man who doesn't want more kids uses a condom or has the snip.

Well, here's the thing, it sounds like the op might possibly want another child.

No one should be forced into permanently removing their fertility. Comparing vasectomy to hormonal birth control is wrong. Birth control isn't permanent. The only thing vasectomy should be compared with is female sterilisation because they are both permanent.

Why not consider using condoms and a diaphragm? Birth barrier methods, both of you using them so burden not only on one person and doubling up.on contraception.

PatellarTendonitis · 29/01/2020 15:55

The diaphragm is extremely hard to get and the spermicide for it even more so. Any woman who tries to get one will be hard sold the Mirena coil.

Hormonal birth control may not be permanent (Depo can, however, impair fertility more than some other methods) but the side effects from it can be quite severe and, depending on the type, some women have a real fight on their hands to get it removed (if it's a coil or implant).

And if a person does not want to take those methods, then the choice is condoms plus natural family planning or alternatives to PIV.

Just as no one should be forced into permanently removing their fertility, no one should be pressured or persuaded to use contraception they don't want to use.

Shutupanddance1 · 29/01/2020 15:56

If your sure you are personally done having kids then get one if you and your wife feel the same.
My DH was 31 when he got his done. Best thing ever.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 29/01/2020 15:59

My understanding is that you can get the diaphragm privately, so might be a route to consider.

I don't think that you can insist that a partner is sterilised because you are refusing to consider every other method of contraception available.

If she doesn't want to be on the pill, have the implant or the injection, have a Mirena or copper coil, use condoms or a diaphragm then maybe she needs to be sterilised?

DonPablo · 29/01/2020 16:05

If your wife has taken hormonal contraception off the the table in this negotiation, as a couple you need to look at the other options. You can take vasectomy off the table. You're both left with...

No PIV sex
Condoms and natural family planning
Natural family planning
No sex

Which ones can you agree on?

PatellarTendonitis · 29/01/2020 16:06

If she doesn't want to be on the pill, have the implant or the injection, have a Mirena or copper coil, use condoms or a diaphragm then maybe she needs to be sterilised?

Or not have PIV sex with the OP. That's another option. It's her body the same as his is his body. Private female sterilisation is a bigger procedure, far more expensive and a lot of trusts no longer cover it.

bringbackspanishflu · 29/01/2020 16:07

If you are married and neither party want's more kids then have the snip.
It's very demoralising and obnoxious to say you won't have one because you may want kids with someone else when your marriage breaks downs
It makes you sound like a jerk.

All contraception that isn't a condom is fairly unpleasant on a woman's body.

Babyg1995 · 29/01/2020 16:08

Totally your choice but at your age I wouldn't .

RantyAnty · 29/01/2020 16:09

How about having your sperm frozen and getting the vasectomy?

Nomorelaundry · 29/01/2020 16:11

What's really surprising me on this thread is how there are tonnes and tonnes of threads on MN about women asking about vasectomies for their husbands/partners and they never get shouted down for it being none of their business.

I have the implant OP. I've tried the pill and the coil and didn't get on with either. But I really do rate the implant.

We looked into a vasectomy for my husband and he said he'd go ahead but I wasn't happy with the risks so decided to carry on with the implant.

Nomorelaundry · 29/01/2020 16:13

Also the Op is happy to use condemns. His wife isn't confident in them.

NRPDad · 29/01/2020 16:27

I would say its too early, you both may change your minds in the future and you clearly don't sound comfortable with it yourself.

Compromise on condoms. IMO she is being unreasonable in not accepting that compromise based on an accident years ago. Condoms if used correctly are very effective. I've never had one split. And there is always morning after pill on the rare occasion something does happen.

Agree to reassess in 5 years? 10?

samyeagar · 29/01/2020 16:33

Getting snipped was one of the best decisions of my life.

I live in the States, and the kicker was that when I went in for the urologist consult, I was informed that since I was married, it was state law that spousal consent had to be given before they could perform it. Something about the husband not having the right to dictate or control the wife's fertility within marriage...of course a tubal or abortion were fine without consent Confused

PatellarTendonitis · 29/01/2020 16:37

and they never get shouted down for it being none of their business.

Plenty of us do. His body his choice. But you can also choose not to have sex.

PatellarTendonitis · 29/01/2020 16:43

What state is this, sam? My sister lives in Houston. Her h had the snip over 20 years ago and there was no such rule. It's quite common to have it there, though (might be in part because most states pursue NRPs for child support way more than in the UK).

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 29/01/2020 16:45

Of course the wife can choose not to have sex.

The husband can of course choose not to live in a celibate marriage.

waterbottle12 · 29/01/2020 16:45

@latheritup reversal is not available on NHS usually and often fails

samyeagar · 29/01/2020 16:53

What state is this, sam? My sister lives in Houston. Her h had the snip over 20 years ago and there was no such rule. It's quite common to have it there, though (might be in part because most states pursue NRPs for child support way more than in the UK).

Illinois, and mine was nearly 20 years ago. Fortunately I am pretty sure the laws have caught up with the times, and it is no longer a legal requirement.

SandyY2K · 29/01/2020 17:00

Funny how the OP is getting told it's inappropriate to ask about the side effects of other contraception for his wife, but women are allowed to ask advice about a vasectomy for their husbands.

I think 30 is too young. I know someone who had one at 28. He was married with 2 children.

His wife cheated on him when their kids were 2 and 4 years old. He wanted to end the marriage, but at that young age, he felt no woman would be interested in marrying him and settling for no children.

He felt trapped and that he had no option but to stay in the marriage. Whereas she could have easily got married again and had more kids.

They've been happily reconciled for over 35 years .....but for him having the V so young took that option to leave off the table.

Don't do it if you are not 100% sure you don't want more kids, even if you split up.

IndecentFeminist · 29/01/2020 17:00

Nomorelaundry every similar thread I have seen has been predominantly people telling women they don't get a say.