Should I get a vasectomy

[Flower8919]

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP - you’re in a shitty position, I can see that, but you need to find a way to end things with your “dear” wife (she sounds anything but, tbh) whilst protecting your position as main caregiver for your DC.

There’s so much about the situation you’re in which is concerning, and this probably isn’t yet the main priority, but can I ask if you know who has the control over your frozen sperm? Because if she’s paying for the storage then it would concern me that she could effectively hold it hostage.

Have you looked into who would be able to access it via the clinic? It should require your written consent, but there’ve been instances where an ex has forged consent or the clinic has made (the wrong) assumptions about married couples.

I don’t think it’s too far outside the realm of possibility that she gets wind that you’re looking to leave, either has the lab destroy the samples or gets herself inseminated to force you to stay.

Also just to warn you that she’ll paint you as having left her due to lack of sex, which will make you uber popular with any shared friends who won’t have seen the financially controlling, coercive bitch side.

@Flower8919

My wife would like me to get a vasectomy but we are quite young 30 & 31 and it just seems quite a big deal and I am quite reluctant to do it as I know it is meant to be reversible but there is a chance it could go wrong and I would never be able to have kids again if for some reason we changed our minds or god forbid split up. Whereas if she is on birth control it is a lot more flexible. I just want to know what everyone thinks and try to avoid it becoming and massive argument

They won't do it on you if you tell them what you've just written you have to have counselling first to make sure your definite and you aren't My other half knew that even if we split there was no way he would ever want kids again so he was sure and went ahead. They don't advise you having it thinking you could reverse it later either as chances of success are low

Sorry to hear things are no better for you. Maybe start a new thread and explain the issues you are having as it's still from before you had the snip you will get replies about that but you've already had it done ! As I did earlier.

Thank you for your comments everyone. I feel bad complaining about my marriage because I know everyone is going through a hard time at the moment with the lockdowns but I just needed to say something and this seemed a good place.

I don’t really regret the vasectomy but it hasn’t made our relationship any better and I really thought it would. Well dw is paying for the storage of my sperm. It just comes out as a direct debit I think each month.

I have tried to get some freedom back because I know I need my own friends instead of just hers. My plan was to get a part time job so I would get some time to myself and money and can still look after the kids but I just haven’t been able to get one and the lockdown has stopped all of that. Just waiting for it to end. I know I should maybe start a new thread for this. Sorry to go on but thank you for everyone’s advice

It's your body and it's your choice. She has zero say in this just as you have zero say when it comes to her body.

Nobody has any right to tell you what to do.

Do not be coerced into anything that you are not 100% certain about.

@Flower8919 use natural family planning. When used correctly, it's just as effective as hormonal contraception. It has the benefit that family planning is a joint endeavour between both husband and wife, using what nature has already given us. Avoids the reliance of a woman taking the responsibility of pumping herself with artificial hormones that are recognised carcinogens.

@CousinKrispy

How old do you feel would be old enough, OP? At what point would you feel that you either wouldn't want to have more children yourself or wouldn't be able to bag a younger partner to conceive them for you?

Obviously it is your body, your choice. I think it is difficult for many men to understand the severity of side-effects of hormonal birth control for many women.

Are you willing to have that conversation with your wife--"I know that hormonal BC is having a bad effect on your health, but I might want to have children with another woman someday, so I'd rather that you kept taking the physical hit for BC for the next 10 years, thanks"? Do you think that would go over well?

His body - his choice.

Get over it.

I had the snip too, in the hope of saving a failing love life. DW made every excuse going re. our lack of intimacy (some of it involving worrying about any more pregnancies, having to use condoms or having to be on the pill, side affects of that lowering her libido, etc. etc.) so I thought I'd make my contribution to the relationship (after her going through childbirth twice) by getting it done.

It didn't help at all.

I think she was just calling my bluff, thinking she'd got herself a nice excuse to not sleep with me, and assuming I wouldn't have the balls (excuse the pun) to go through with it.

But I did. She never asked once how it went, or made any enquiry after my recovery or post op sperm tests.

She has no more interest in me post-snip than she did before and now just finds other spurious excuses for no sex.

In summary, I'm glad I had the snip, as I have two wonderful kids and never want any more. But to any other guys thinking the snip will solve problems in the marriage, it won't.

In sorry to hear it @ordinaryman
It was the same for me! I thought it would solve our problems and that’s what she said but I now realise i was wrong about that and now it’s just something else..

How do I protect my position as main care giver if it did come down to me having to leave her?

It’s mainly about having evidence of what you’ve done in the past and being able to show that it’s you who did the school runs, GP appointments etc etc before lockdown kicked in.

But if you’re going to do this you should get some advice from a good solicitor. You’re going (I assume) to want to ask her to move out so you and the DC can stay on in the current family home? Which means you’ll need an agreement from her that she’ll continue paying the mortgage and bills until it’s all settled. You can’t force her out of a jointly owned property, so be prepared for her to dig her heels in.

If you don’t currently receive the family allowance for the DC then you should make a claim and have it coming to you. You’ll also need to register for maintenance with the CMS and start a Universal Credit claim (you’ll want to get on with that too, as it can take 6+ weeks).

If she’s been wfh since March then you might have more of a problem asserting that you’re the main caregiver, which is why I think you need to speak to a solicitor as your first step.

Thank you so much for all the advice. She’s just been so clever with everything that I’m very worried if I tried anything I would basically be left with nothing and loose the kids as well. I really don’t think there is any way I can get out. Just have to make the best of it and hope it gets better

Wow, what a situation. I was going to post to say your wife was being totally unreasonable and no way should you have a vasectomy you don't want. Now I see it's too late.

Most of all I think it was ridiculously unreasonable of her not to countenance using condoms. Just because he's had a bad experience before. Well then get the morning after pill FFS. It's the one form of contraception that would put the onus and most of the sacrifice on you, and she won't even listen. Just tells you you have to get surgery you're clearly not ready for. Noone has the right to do that.

One thing to bear in mind, in relation to your observation that vasectomies can be reversible, is that it makes a huge difference how long ago they were performed. The chances of successful reversal plummet from very good soon after the op, to negligible 10 years or so down the line.

I would give it three months or so and if there's no improvement or willingness to engage on her part, enquire about getting a reversal. You never know, and you can always get it done again when you are ready.

I wouldn't even tell her or discuss it, just get it sorted. If she clearly doesn't want you any more anyway, what's the point of you being snipped to please her?

I’ve started the process to leave her and am going to talk to a solicitor next week. I’m just a bit worried about how she will react when she finds out

She will be furious @Flower8919 - you know this don't you?

My guess....she will tell you that you are selfish and immature and don't appreciate how much she does to support you all. And then she will tell you that you won't be able to manage. And then she will threaten to make it difficult for you because she won't be playing your game.
Guilt, shame and fear.

And if you haven't folded after that she will say she regrets how it's come to this, that she can see that she hasn't always treated you well, that perhaps she can change and that you should give her and your marriage a chance.
Hoovering and future faking.
Be prepared- and good luck!

Ahhh I don’t know if I am ready for all of that or if I can handle it.

I’m ashamed to admit it but your right. I know she will not be happy at all and I am a bit scared about what she is going to do

I think your fear has been obvious from the start. I think you will discover that she is far more frightened than you are. Fear is at the very heart of controlling and abusive people.
Once she discovers you may have the courage to leave - the rage will be her panic. Try to understand this. Panic, fear and loss of control present as anger - but she has no reason to be angry. Sad, worried, fearful yes - but the anger is what makes you fearful and retains her control. It's not anger at you or your actions, it's anger over you - a performance - like shouting at an animal that frightens you in the hope it will run away. It's nothing to break scared of!

If something goes wrong and the marriage fails the woman often can’t have anymore children either , simply because of menopause
Birth control is hard on the woman’s body . If yoh don’t want a vasectomy yoh should be prepared to wear condoms
The woman already has the burden of carrying children and recovering from and childbirth plus monthly menstruation followed by menopause . I would think a man doing his bit for birth control is the least he could do

Hmmm it seems after reading the last few posts I’m a bit behind . Sorry to hear things have taken this downward spiral OP

Thank you seadad. I have never really thought about it like that before but maybe your right. I know I need to stand up to her. I just am stressing a lot about how and when to tell her

Such a sad story.
Make sure you get as much arranged as possible before she finds out that you want to split up. I think domestic abuse victims qualify for legal aid, although I'm not sure what the burden of proof is to obtain it.
Start by contacting a domestic abuse support service (mensaid.co.uk or a similar one).

I would think very carefully about the potential implications about having a vestocomeny !

(As you are young only in your 30s

(There is No guarantee Once you have Vescomentary if you change your minds or the worse thing happened you split up /or one of you sadly died.

With a Vestomony being reversed in those kinds of Worse cases
Situations,
,the percentage of how successful it would be be is very difficult to tell

Put it this way would you have any serious regrets if you did decide to go ahead with having the vestomeny?
(and any of these situations hypotheticaly happened in the future)

(I know its quite surreal/weird to think in that kind of way, when you are in a contented relantship with usaul expected ups and downs sometimes/occasionally.

Sorry about my miss spelling vestomeny.

ps have you discussed with your wife different other birth control options, even ones she might not have tried ,she might find them more suitable,if she reads up bout more infor about them etc.

ps Are you exploring the idea of vestomeny op cause you want to or cause you feel some what pressured to do so and naturally feel obligated.

Obviously birth control is a shared experience in a certain aspects.

Also is there any potential side effects /minor or major health risks with vescemontary op in any way then?

You need to obviously need to explore find out about this too

Sorry I have just read your posts

Do not have a Vestomeny op at All.

Find out on the internet men's domestic support charties contact tel numbers etc on there.

You are not on your own

Cause of the social stigma the numbers of men who have experienced domedtic abuse is higher than society realizes .

Could you have your vestomeny reversed then?
If you are not happy/ felt emotionally manipulatived into having this vestomeny op then?