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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I get a vasectomy

550 replies

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 10:08

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower8919 · 11/03/2021 13:15

That’s ok. I appreciate everyone posting and It’s good to have the advice for anyone else that might be in the same position.

I had a vasectomy already last year. It just seemed that was the only option to try and save my marriage and keep the family together for the kids so I did it

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower8919 · 11/03/2021 13:28

I do have some sperm frozen but I don’t actually know any of the details about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower8919 · 11/03/2021 13:29

And I think I she will get suspicious if I start asking her about it and wanting all the details

OP posts:
stout01 · 11/03/2021 14:26

Hi OP. I had one but we had four children so I was definitely done and knew that I didn't want more. I also knew I wouldn't want further children with a new partner. Had mine done about six years ago.

I split from my LTP about two and half years ago (not my decision) and as crass as it sounds the vasectomy has been a blessing if you get my drift :)

Seadad · 11/03/2021 16:48

The thing is @Flower8919 - how do you get to a point where you don't know the details of your own sperms storage? You have a lot of male self improvement to work on because at the moment - although you are a main carer to your children-gou are or have become infantilised. You are not able to assert your self, you have very poor boundaries, you are hesitant and fearful and your default response to difficult situations is to avoid decisions and hope for the best. I don't know your history and whether you have always been this way, or whether the abusive relationship you've endured has turned you into this. But it's essential that you find some agency, self esteem and executive function.
Avoiding conflict so often results in long lasting misery that far outweighs the pain of asserting yourself - and that is what you need to realise. The absolute worse case scenario of standing up for yourself is easier than endlessly suffering! And at the other side is the chance for genuine happiness.

altmember · 11/03/2021 17:42

@Flower8919

I do have some sperm frozen but I don’t actually know any of the details about it
You mean SHE has your sperm frozen. She insisted you had a vasectomy because neither of you want more kids, so it seems very odd that she'd be the least bit interested in freezing your sperm? And she's still not interested in sex with you anyway.

I'm afraid to say it sounds more like she wanted you to have a vasectomy to prevent you from being able to have kids with anyone else in the future. She's just stored some of yours just in case she changes her mind herself (assuming she actually did get it frozen, and hasn't had it destroyed anyway).

You really need to get a grip here, because at the moment she's very much got you by the balls.

Original poster
Flower8919 · 11/03/2021 23:50

It does sound bad when you say it like that and I do feel stupid. It just seems like it was so gradual that I didn’t really notice. But now I’ve realised like it’s so tricky to get out of it

OP posts:
PaterPower · 12/03/2021 00:13

As I’ve posted before, you need to find out where these samples are being stored and make sure you tell the clinic that they’re your property.

Otherwise they will be the sword she keeps hanging above your head for as long as she wants to control you.

What plans are you making for the DC?

Original poster
Flower8919 · 12/03/2021 00:35

Thank you for posting PaterPower. I know I do need to. I just don’t want her to be too suspicious.

Every time is ask her about it’s like “ohhh I’ll dot it later, remind me when I’m not busy” or like “I just need to find the email” and then if I ask her later about it she’s like for god sake stop nagging me. What am I worried about?

Well I think I am just going to take them to my mums because I haven’t got anywhere else to go. One of them is in school so will be a bit disruptive but I’ve been doing some home schooling anyway so I can just do that

OP posts:
PaterPower · 12/03/2021 08:10

Can you access her email when she’s not around? If so, I’d go looking for myself, (plus gathering any financial info you’ll need to ensure a decent settlement).

Of course, she might be gaslighting you and the sperm was never stored.

Original poster
Flower8919 · 12/03/2021 09:15

Omg I never even considered that she would do that. So maybe she never even did it in the first place???

She is WFH but she does go out at lunch times for a walk. I am trying to get as much information as possible but I don’t know her laptop password. There’s just so many things making me feel so trapped that I don’t think I can do it.

I have thought about leaving and made plans to try and leave her a couple of times but I just end up staying. I know that sounds really bad but every time I get the courage to do it it’s too hard

OP posts:
crackingcrackers · 12/03/2021 09:26

I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling and the way your wife is behaving. Have you been able to talk to her about any of it? Do you think she could be in some sort of holding pattern because the crappy year we've all just had and therefore totally unaware of the hurt she's causing (obviously not great in itself)? Or do you think it's simply about control?

But also, you do need the information about where your samples are being stored. Can you say that you're doing some house admin jobs which include reorganising the filing, or something to that effect, so you'd like a hard copy of the email.

Original poster
Flower8919 · 12/03/2021 10:27

Well maybe you are partly right. She does have a very stressful job and it has been hard for her working from home so it might have made things a bit worse. I still want to try and save our marriage if we can. But we still haven’t had sex at all since I had the vasectomy

OP posts:
altmember · 12/03/2021 11:29

@Flower8919

Omg I never even considered that she would do that. So maybe she never even did it in the first place???

She is WFH but she does go out at lunch times for a walk. I am trying to get as much information as possible but I don’t know her laptop password. There’s just so many things making me feel so trapped that I don’t think I can do it.

I have thought about leaving and made plans to try and leave her a couple of times but I just end up staying. I know that sounds really bad but every time I get the courage to do it it’s too hard

This is starting to sound a bit odd. You're saying that you've stored your sperm, but she sorted it out and you don't know anything about it at all??

I'm no expert, but I was under the impression that it needs to be frozen within minutes of leaving your body to survive. I would think that you'd need to attend a sperm bank facility and provide a sample there (or at least bring it to them very, very quickly). I'd also expect that they'd require the man's full details and signature on the paperwork (and maybe even check some id as well).

So for you to not even know which sperm bank your wife took it to (and it must be fairly local) seems pretty incredulous. Are you saying you just jizzed in a jam jar and gave it to her to sort out the rest?

Seadad · 12/03/2021 13:20

Yes - I'm wondering this also! Who did you provide your sample to @Flower8919 ?

Original poster
Flower8919 · 12/03/2021 16:34

Well we didn’t visit a clinic. I’m not sure if I am being very ignorant here or not but my wife had a couple of sample pots and we did it at home. She put it in a sealed envelope that we put in the freezer and she took it to a sperm bank within 48 hours.

I didn’t have to give any Id or anything

OP posts:
altmember · 12/03/2021 16:53

This from cancer research website. Obviously aimed at cancer patients wanting to store their sperm in case of infertility, but the process would've been be the same for you. Does any of this sound familiar?

Should I get a vasectomy
Seadad · 12/03/2021 17:05

So did you have to sign anything?

Original poster
Flower8919 · 12/03/2021 17:09

Well no I didn’t have a blood test or sign anything. I realise how stupid that sounds now. I had a brochure from the clinic with the costs but my wife paid for it all and she did all the forms

OP posts:
altmember · 12/03/2021 17:17

Well my guess is that at best, she's signed in your name or given fake details (her contact details instead of yours etc). At worst she led you through the process and then never took the samples in.

Both of which are pretty sinister - pushing you into having a vasectomy, making you infertile forever, while she's kept her own fertility and is potentially holding your sperm to use later if she pleases to.

You definitely need to find out exactly what's going on and get your details/permissions updated with the sperm bank. And before she has any clue that you want to end things, else she'll hold you to ransom, have them destroyed, or use them to get pregnant with.

You really need to get in touch with some domestic abuse support services, even if just to chat to and get some expert advice.

PaterPower · 12/03/2021 18:16

Frozen in a domestic freezer? I’d be amazed if the samples remained viable, even if she actually bothered taking them to a clinic (she didn’t)

And the paperwork and particularly the lack of photo ID / needing to be seen in person...? Yeah, that fishy smell we're all getting is NOT from your missing sperm

You need to get angry and you need to get yourself and the DC out, OP

Seadad · 12/03/2021 18:39

So did you actually read the brochure? Did you keep it?
I really don't think you are taking any charge of your life.

SpringCrocus · 12/03/2021 19:04

You seem so... passive, OP Sad

Original poster
Flower8919 · 12/03/2021 23:18

I know it seems very stupid now that I did that and don’t have any of the information but at the time it just all made sense what age was saying and it seemed like the easiest way

OP posts:
PaterPower · 13/03/2021 09:04

Given your update, the sperm’s now a blind alley - you need to come to terms with the fact that it’s not been stored and crack on with your plans to move out with your DC

What have you done to prepare for that OP?

Have you spoken to your Mum? Have you gathered whatever evidence of financials that you can? When are you speaking to your solicitor?

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