Should I get a vasectomy

[Flower8919]

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

Sorry mate, 'flower', but she doesn't love you. Anyway, good luck.

Sorry to say it , but she doesn’t want you but wanted to ensure you never had children with anyone else

What am I meant to do then?

What am I meant to do then?
You ignored many people telling you to go for counselling, so I'm not quite sure what you would listen to.

You certainly can't say you weren't warned about this. You'll be lucky if she ever has sex with you again.

I posted much earlier and I got sick of seeing how beaten down you were. Every post by you just further highlighted the abuse, control and imbalance in the marriage.

I can't see things getting better. She doesn't respect you, love or care about you.. I wouldn't respect a man who had a vasectomy because I coerced him into it.

Come back in 3/4/5/6 months time and share whether things have improved....I very much doubt it will be the case...but it would be nice for your sake.

I really believe, you'll outlive your usefulness to her, probably when the kids are older and you'll be tossed aside.

OP - reading your post and updates made me feel so sad.

You seem like a nice guy, who was trying to work his way through the situation and educate himself about possible options. You didn’t deserve the pile on from some posters.

I agree with others that you’ve been bullied, coerced, manipulated and emotionally blackmailed into making this permanent decision. This was a decision with permanent consequences for you and you’ve been forced into it.

My DH and I are considering the same thing. He is 41 though and says he is happy with our 2 kids and would never want more. I’ve told him to think long and hard about having a V as I’m happy to sort something else out if he’s not sure for any reason. He wants to go ahead and that’s great, but I would have no issue whatsoever if he decided not to.

Your relationship does seem like it is abusive based on what you’ve said. In terms of moving forwards, I think you need to access support for abused men - having not dealt with abuse I’m not sure what that is but I suspect a google search would help along with advice from PP here.

Your wife’s controlling ways may have snowballed - she controls one thing and cuts you out and it spreads iyswim. She may be willing to discuss it and work through things with counselling although I doubt it based on her reaction to your suggestion to get help over this one issue. She may try though if you outline all the issues you have ?

I agree with others though in that it sounds like your relationship is probably over and she won’t tolerate you trying to change things for the better. She’ll probably look to end the relationship (although I suspect this is more likely when full time childcare isn’t needed anymore).

I’d be trying to “get my ducks in a row”. Prepare yourself for her wanting to leave - get the financials sorted (learn what you / she has and where), get a job if possible even if it’s part time - it’ll give you somewhere to meet people, make you more employable in the future etc etc...

Good luck. I hope things can work out for you.

I just find it so telling that she refused all sex til vasectomy happened so backed you into a corner and then continued to do as before.

Fwiw I had female sterilisation and aside from a couple of scars and a few days aching pain, I’ve been fine. I realise I may be one of the lucky ones for that, but relief overrode everything once I’d had the surgery. I made the decision for me because I had such terrible pregnancy complications and contraceptives failed for me. I couldn’t risk another pregnancy and the effects it would have on me and the kids I already have.

But it sounds to me like she simply didn’t want you having kids with anyone else, so backed you into the corner and you’re now effectively trapped by the decision to go ahead with it.

Thank you for your post even though it is horrible to read and I think that you are right even though I don’t want to admit it to myself I think I need to try and leave her. I think I need to try and be honest with myself and admit it is over. It is just very scary and I am. It really sure how I am going to do it. I don’t want to risk losing the kids. Dw has a really good job and I’ve not worked in years and have no savings so I am really worried she would get to take them away.

Dd also is meant to start school this year at a really good school and has a place all sorted and I don’t know where we will go if we leave her

If you are sand dad fight for residency! You do not have to lose your children! You should be awarded higher share of assets and possibly spousal for interim period
You need to start standing up to her and telling her how things will be from now on

Oh and explore the option of a reversal soo we rather than later !

We've always used just condoms for almost 15 years without issue. I never wanted to try hormonal contraception after hearing about various side effects from friends when I was a teenager so I never did.

I wouldn't want my partner to take the risk (10% if I remember correctly) of Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrome for which the only treatment is castration which doesn't always work! Google it, I was amazed!

We're totally happy with condoms, it's a non issue, never even think about it, let alone consider switching. It's liberating not to be solely responsible for contraception also.

When you try to discuss the sex issue, and she says "not now", are you trying to discuss it in the bedroom at night? You need to be talking about it in a neutral setting where sex is obviously not on the agenda at the time in order for there to be no pressure. Also, how has her phone use been during lockdown? Any indication that she may be communicating with a particular person frequently? If she's had her head turned it would explain the lost interest

You are the childrens' main carer - so you shouldn't be going anywhere. She should be the one to leave - she has the cash to find somewhere else, temporarily.

She sounds financially abusive - you don't have access to all finances, just what is put into a joint account, and she questions what you spend? She refused to pay for counselling for you?

I can understand your fear about losing the children. Go and see a solicitor. You ARE the main carer. A court might order 50-50 and that's actually quite likely, but you could argue for main carer.

I wonder... she thinks she has you right where she wants you, for now. Personally I agree that she might have one foot out the door already and even her eye on someone more exciting at work... but she wanted to make sure that a. your options were reduced when it came to leaving and b. you'd never have another family with someone else.

I wonder how she'd feel if the worm turned. If you told her that you know now that the marriage is over, either she moves out or you and the children will have to - completely assume that YOU are the main carer and make it clear that the law will be on your side to stay in the house, and keep main residency, and her pay maintenance.

Oh and look into a reversal - right now. It's more likely to work the sooner it's done. You'll have to pay for it. But do it.

Oh and you have no savings? Does she? Because if she does, they are half yours. And when you separate and take the children with you, immediately apply to CMS for full maintenance.

I think she has lost respect for you. Its very common for women to loose respect if they are financially supporting men.

Op is a SAHD. So are you saying that men are justified in losing respect for financially supporting a stay at home mum? Only it's usually maintained on here that finances are joint, belonging to the family, and that a SAHP is contributing just as much as the employed parent.

Oh and look into a reversal - right now. It's more likely to work the sooner it's done. You'll have to pay for it. But do it.

She won't give him the money for this and he doesn't have of his own.

Every single poster would have said you're in an abusive relationship if the genders were reversed.... many did tell you, including myself but others were just horrible to you and that's very sad.

You were accused of being selfish, just wanting to wet your willy, not being committed etc for not wanting the vasectomy ...

She refused to allow you money for counselling....yeah your situation isn't good. Even now in lockdown, you can get counselling, via phone or video. Some places will offer it free, especially for those in abusive relationships.

If you're interested in this, feel free to PM me and I'll provide further info. There are resources available.

Op. Sounds like she has stitched you up like a kipper.

My DH had a vasectomy as he and his exwife didn't want any more children. When their marriage collapsed, both went on to remarry; his ex had another child but we didn't. This was 30 years ago and when we looked into it, the success rates for a reversal were very low - maybe it is better now. I made the decision that I didn't want to be in a position where I lived my life on tenterhooks hoping that we would be successful; so DH didn't have a reversal. We both had children from our previous marriages so enjoyed them instead.

My sister decided that she definitely didn't want anymore so she had a sterilisation. She didn't want to prevent her husband from having more if he chose to. They are still together, married for 35 years.

OP.... Did you manage to freeze your sperm at all?
Or did she back out of that?

I was just thinking, even if you did, she could decide she isn't paying any more.

Full financial depdency is not a good place to be as an adult. It leaves you far too vulnerable.

I'm sorry op , but you made a big mistake. Male or female it's your body and you shouldnt have ever felt pressurised to have one. If you dom spilt up and meet someone else your wife as made it so you cant have any more children or at least to make it very difficult now .

Thank you everyone for posting. Sorry I can’t come on here very much. I thought it was the right thing to do to save our marriage for us and the kids and that’s why I did it and yes also so we can have sex but I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want sex in a marriage... But now realise she may have been doing it for control. I just don’t understand why she would do that to me??? She is isn’t a nasty person and I still kind of hope that we can go back to how things were.

We did freeze some of my sperm and I think dw has already paid for a year.

I know it isn’t good that I have no money of my own and when dd starts school I am going to try and get a part time admin job. I am really not sure about leaving. I think it might be worse than staying and hopefully things will get better

I dont think its right for anyone to pressurise anyone else into a permanent procedure. Could she consider an IUS? They are more effective than sterilosation or vasectomy amd last 5-10 years.
Its true that either of you could split, and she might also want to have more children if she met a new man, although you both have to take into consideration if youd be able to support a new family on top of the children you already have.

Hi mumsnetters, I haven’t been very active on mums net for a while. Been very tough in the lockdown as sure it is for everyone.

Things haven’t got any better with DW there just always seems to be something else she isn’t happy with or something I’ve done

Hi OP
Reading through much of your thread - it's crystal clear that there is an imbalance in your relationship. You do not have clear boundaries and have been dominated and manipulated by your DW. I'm afraid the fact that she has been able to do this also means that she won't want to be intimate with you, because respect is essential too feel desire for most women.
Your only option is self improvement-and for that you might need some help. Firstly you should explain how unhappy you are with the lack of intimacy since having the snip, and that you would like to get counselling, out of the family resources.
Second- you need to find some space to be you, some male friends and activities to help you find your identity outside of your relationship and caring responsibilities.
If your DW feels threatened by thus (she might well react negatively) then you have no option but to find employment and work toward leaving your marriage, because it will be clear that your DW is not committed to your relationship. You can also fund counselling out of any earnings which will help immeasurably. Good luck!

@AdventureMathmatical

I had a vasectomy aged 33 after the birth of our 2nd child and it's one of the best decisions i have made.

My wife was on the pill for over a decade and when we decided to start trying for our first child it took about 18 months for her system to settle enough for us to conceive. It was quite shocking to both of us the toll that had been taken on her body so hormonal BC was off the table after the birth of our first.

It is quite liberating for both of us not to have to think about contraception and I feel like i have made a really positive impact on my relationship with my wife by taking responsibility for that area of our lives.

If my wife and I broke up then i don't want any more children, the ones i have won't magically disappear and they deserve just as much attention as they get from me now.

I think the last paragraph is the most relevant and bears repeating. You need to decide how many children is "enough" for you (personally I think with the world as it is two is right) and then have a vasectomy. Those children deserve all your love and attention for the rest of your life. I know it's unlikely to be popular on MN but I think having children to cement every new relationship is not a great idea. For the kids or the planet.

I hadn't read the last few contributions from the OP, he clearly seems to be in a controlling marriage. However, I think my point stands