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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I get a vasectomy

550 replies

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 10:08

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP posts:

Beansandcoffee · 06/02/2020 11:45

@loosersaywhat - yep 100% agree with you.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/02/2020 12:06

Great post Math Anxiety.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/02/2020 13:30

so he can take the responsibility
But he is happy to use condoms.
And he is not as much invested in not having children at all.
Otherwise this would be a no-brainer.
He's is considering his future and looking at all scenarios.
What if his DW gets hit by a bus today??
He meets someone else, as due to his age, this woman wants a child of her own!!! He wants a child with her.
And he can't give her that!
You can't predict life changes.
You can't expect a person to be sterilised at age 30 if they don't want to be.
It's madness!
People are dismissing this, like it doesn't matter.
He's a bloke, he hasn't had to use contraction so now it's his turn!?
If society were equal and there were other methods of contraception for men then that would be great.
But there isn't. OP cannot help being male.
He does not want to be sterilised.
Imagine if this was reversed.
There would be fucking hell to pay for OP's DH.
This should NOT be any different just because he is male!
How is that fair?

loserssaywhat · 06/02/2020 13:45

Then it would appear they have reached a point where there is no compromise.
She is not willing to continue using hormonal contraception, which is perfectly acceptable.
She doesn't trust condoms, also reasonable.

There's nothing to be done here except one of them gets sterilised. The process is much easier for the man, it's less invasive, less risk of complications. He could be back at work within a few hours after the procedure.
The fact that he isn't sure he wants to do it is reason enough not to do it but I don't think her deciding she no longer wants to bear the full responsibility for contraception is unreasonable either.
In my own personal opinion his ability to procreate with someone else in the event of a split isn't her responsibility.
If it was me in this situation I would be refusing to have piv sex.
It's not abusive for her to deny him sex if she doesn't want to get pregnant.
I think the op needs to assess what's more important, his current relationship and having a healthy worry free sex life or the hypothetical future relationship where he might possibly some day want another child. It's a no brainer.

Original poster

Flower8919 · 06/02/2020 14:07

Thank you very much everyone for your comments that you’ve made and the time you’ve taken. There is a lot to think about and it’s a hard decision but I am going to go ahead with the vasectomy. I know I am young but I hope that once it’s done we can move on and focus on making our relationship and marriage stronger

OP posts:

otterhound · 06/02/2020 14:54

It is of course your choice but personally have read your posts, the vasectomy is a side car to a wider issue of her control of you

Marshmello · 06/02/2020 15:31

Understand your choice. Good luck. Just bear in mind there's no real going back.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/02/2020 16:42

It may be a good choice OP.
But you need to sort out the control in imbalance in your relationship before you go ahead with this.
This is just another thing she can control and you are allowing it.
Fair enough - your choice. But you must address ALL the issues in your marriage and work on your self-esteem.

WhenPushComesToShove · 06/02/2020 23:53

If you feel forced, you'll resent her

Original poster

Flower8919 · 10/05/2020 22:37

Hello everyone. Havent posted on mumsnet in a while but finding it quite hard in the lockdown with dw. I had the vasectomy and our sex life hasn’t got any better. But I am nit sure how I can bring it up without causing any arguments or tension in the house which isn’t fair on the kids. I Have tried to bring it up a few times but she doesn’t want to talk about it. I am starting to think maybe some of the posters were right but not sure what to do

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/05/2020 22:44

Have you had the all clear that you are no longer producing sperm?

Original poster

Flower8919 · 10/05/2020 22:54

Well I haven’t had the test yet but it’s been enough time for me to be clear

OP posts:

Scott72 · 10/05/2020 22:58

So your wife stopped having sex with you, demanded you have a vasectomy if you wanted to have sex with her again, and wouldn't even consider condoms. It was vasectomy or nothing. So you've had the vasectomy, and she still doesn't want to have sex with you? I'm sorry but that was predictable ahead of time, because there are a couple of other issues here - your wife seems to have lost sexual attraction to you, and she is just not a nice person.

RandomMess · 10/05/2020 23:00

😂 my friends DH took a year, yes a year or regular sex and testing to get the all clear!!!! I don't think 6 months is uncommon.

You need to get the all clear, DW can come off birth control. You may find her lack of interest may be linked to whether she is getting enough "downtime" and leisure time or whether she is knackered and resentful that all the family mental load is left to her...

Original poster

Flower8919 · 10/05/2020 23:04

Well I am embarrassed to say has been a long time since we had sex now or done anything like that.. and well I don’t want her to resent me or anything so I am not sure how to bring it up without pressuring her And have been really careful about it but she did say we can once I had the vasectomy

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/05/2020 23:05

Wait until you get the all clear, then let her know she no longer needs to be on birth control and what else needs to happen to get the spark back between you...

Original poster

Flower8919 · 10/05/2020 23:13

Well i have tried to talk about it with her a few times but she never wants to and just says not now.. Also we could do other stuff apart from normal sex but she is not interested in that either!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/05/2020 23:19

Well if you don't try nothing will get resolved. If she continues to refuse to discuss things you need to decide whether to end the relationship or not.

Scott72 · 10/05/2020 23:19

I'm not sure if you're an insincere poster or just naive Flower8919. It is very obvious your wife just lost all sexual interest towards you some time ago. I hope you banked some sperm beforehand as you said you were considering doing.

Hopoindown31 · 11/05/2020 08:23

And we wonder why men are reluctant to get vasectomies.

Original poster

Flower8919 · 11/05/2020 08:34

I really really hope that is not the case! We used to have a decent sex life but it has just dropped off completely. We are both young and I had a vasectomy to prove that I am committed to her and to try and restart the sex but she now just isn’t wanting to do anything and I don’t know how to resolve it without putting any pressure on her

OP posts:

Hopoindown31 · 11/05/2020 08:45

You need to tell her that this situation is making you feel hurt and is a serious issue for your marriage. You need to ask her what can you do together to get back to a more intimate, sexually active relationship of that is possible.

SharkAttack1972 · 11/05/2020 10:11

I think she has lost respect for you. Its very common for women to loose respect if they are financially supporting men.

Scott72 · 11/05/2020 10:22

The reason I say OP may be insincere is because his posts read more like a female domination fantasy than a real life story. If your story is real OP, I hope you realize how poorly she is treating you and consider leaving.

Original poster

Flower8919 · 11/05/2020 11:16

I’m not really sure what you mean by that but I am trying to be honest here.

I know it seems like the situation is bad but we love each other so I don’t want to leave and i am really trying to make it work for us and for the kids. I don’t just want to give up on it

OP posts:

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