Should I get a vasectomy

[Flower8919]

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

damnthatanxiety - well no, he couldn't go on to have more children if he has a vasectomy that he doesn't want could he? As it's the wife who is adamant that she wants no more children it should be her that is sterilised and it's not true that op doesn't want to take any responsibility - the only option of contraception available to him are condoms which he is willing to use. It's not right to accuse someone of not taking responsibility because they don't want to undergo a surgery with permanent effects. Personally I think he should leave - she's controlling him, refusing to let him get counselling and insisting it's her way r the highway.

@Flower8919

Sorry for my slow response re. the coil, life got in the way.

Unlike other posters, I didn't find the insertion especially painful, but I have annual pelvic exams so am used to a bit of discomfort down there. It stayed put for 2.5 years, then one day, after doing pilates, I could feel that something had moved...felt some plastic and the nurse removed it. I had another one inserted a week later, but that also moved downwards!

Apparently if you lose one of them, you're likely to keep losing them as your body is basically rejecting them. No harm done to me, they just won't stay in place.

I'm the only person I know who's experienced this. Other friends have had them for years with no issues at all. One friend told me that their sex life is amazing since she had hers. Perhaps the lack of hormones has increased her sex drive?

Anyway, I've read more of the thread and I agree with other posters that you're being pushed into this. Your wife sounds bossy and I don't like the after-work drinks, etc. that she's able to indulge in, while you get few opportunities to have your own adult social life. Could you take up something in the evenings (a sport, hobby?) that would help you meet people?

I'd postpone the surgery until you're sure it's what you want, and if that means no sex, so be it. Condoms are easily available.

I do this sometimes so it's long - but read it thoroughly OP!!!

1. She has mentioned before if we can’t decide then we just have to stop having sex – blackmail OP see this for what it is!
2. I would happily use condoms but she doesn’t want that either and it seems the only option is for me to get a vasectomy or we don’t have sex – more emotional manipulation and blackmail!
3. and feels like I am being pressured into it but I don’t really see an alternative – there are loads of alternatives, they just don’t suit her so you need to be a good boy and do as you are told!
4. I just want to say that I have given up and put a lot into our marriage and kids – Yep, she has it pretty good doesn’t she? You make all the sacrifices and she makes none!
5. We decided that I would be a SAHP. I wanted to do it for her and our kids and don’t regret it but I have sacrificed a lot – Yes you have, get out there and find yourself a part time job. You need some sanity out of the house and away from the kids and your controlling wife. You can’t see ‘normal’ any more and it’s quite scary to read!
6. it is basically coming down to me having a vasectomy or not having sex – see above
7. She is not willing to try the coil and doesn’t want piv sex at all – This is just utterly ridiculous. She is a vile human being.
8. I totally understand where she is coming from but just think I am doing all the compromising – see above – yes you are – ALL OF IT!!!!
9. She did say she is more than happy to pay for me to get my sperm frozen – that’s big of her.
10. it does sometimes feel like I am making more compromises and putting more effort into the relationship than her – You know you are. So stop it!! Let her do some of the work. Back right off for a while and see what happens.
11. but I agreed because I love her and want to make things work – stop being so fucking passive in your own life. PLEASE!!!!!
12. my wife earned a much bigger salary and her career is important to her – why??? Why is it always all about HER! What about YOU? What do you really really want!!?
13. I have always prioritised her in our marriage! – to your detriment OP. Now you are just her little lap dog.
14. but also to support her so that she can flourish in her career – what about your career. You cannot put your life on hold indefinitely.
15. I am seriously considering the vasectomy and I think I will probably end up doing it – there’s a good boy!
16. I don’t really know very much about it and she said it is not an option we can consider – of course it. You can consider every option. She just doesn’t want to. Now run along and fetch the dinner.
17. I honestly think that a vasectomy is the only way I can save my marriage and keep the family together – Yes, SHE has made this so. So you have no choice – but YOU DO have a choice. Do not be bullied by this abuser any longer. Take back control of your life.
18. and I shouldn’t be thinking about anything else and having the snip would prove that – Oh dear god. Tell her to fuck off. She could prove the same by being sterilized or at least trying the coil but she won’t. It’s up to YOU to save this. What a crock of shit!!!
19. Maybe I am just being sensitive but I am feeling a bit pressured into it – that is because you ARE being pressured into it. She is being abusive, controlling and bullying you!
20. We only have sex when she wants it – sounds about right from what you have said about her!
21. Therapy just seems very extreme – it is NOT extreme. Stop listening to her bullshit about it. Go along and make your own decision on it!
22. and then if I also become infertile I think will make me feel more emasculated. Am I being ridiculous? – No you are not. That is exactly how she wants you to feel. That is what THIS is all about OP. Keep you in your place! Being a good boy. Don’t do this – please!!!!
23. I don’t actually know how much she earns – this is awful OP. Why the hell not. Ask her tonight and see what she says? If she won’t tell you then the financial abuse will escalate. Tell her you want involved in family budgeting!
24. but I would have to ask her to put more in for therapy but maybe can just say it’s for something else or I will try to find some low cost ones – This is so so sad. You should have full access to family money and you should be able to TELL your DW that you want therapy and will be using some of the family for that!
25. so I have respected that and not pushed it at all – Again – she gets her way. You passively sit and watch your life pass you by.
26. I am wondering if I am in a controlling relationship – YES YES YES YES AND HELL FUCKING YES AGAIN!!!!!
27. that women in controlling relationships are feeling I can really identify with and makes me worry that’s happening to me – Exactly. The scales are starting to fall. Please open your eyes to this properly. It’s hard to face but you need to do it. Sooner rather than later.
28. We have agreed that I am going to get the vasectomy as it is the best option for both of us – NO IT IS NOT!! It is NOT the best option for you. Stop listening to her manipulative bullshit!!!
29. so that I will have time to make sure I 100% want to go ahead and if I dint she will cancel it – of course she will NOT!!!!! She will just pressure you into it whether you want to or not!
30. We only moved to our area recently because of her job so I don’t know that many people – Ahhh… the trailing spouse. The further abuse. Isolating you from family and friends. She certainly knows what she is doing!
31. I do go a bit crazy sometimes just taking to toddlers all day – of course you do. So get out there. Join a gym. Join a local club. Just do something for just YOU!!!
32. She didn’t think we needed councilling and said we can get through it together – because a counsellor will spot her controlling behaviour from a mile away!!! That is why SHE doesn’t want counselling!
33. I think if I am being completely honest I have known she has been a bit controlling for a while but it’s been easier to just ignore it and pretend it isn’t happening – For the love of god, stop burying your head in the sand. Your life is passing you by while you passively watch it go. While this woman controls every fucking aspect of it!
34. She says if I need anything extra or it’s low I just need to ask and she’ll top it up – so you have to ask for money – FINANCIAL ABUSE
35. she is quite big on saving and likes me to keep the receipts for everything but I don’t think she realises what that’s like – she has no idea what it’s like – she has NEVER had to live it. She just inflicts all onto you and you get on with it like a good little boy!!!
36. and I couldn’t earn anywhere near as much as her – I’m not sure what this has got to do with anything!? So what. You earn less. You live within your means. We ALL have to do that you know!?

You have put your life on hold for long enough.
You are being bullied.
You are being coerced.
You are being controlled.
You are being financially abused.
You can contact mankind. Look at THIS LINK and get yourself informed.

Get your life back.
Get YOU back.
Tell her to get to fuck with the vasectomy!!!
TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!
You get one shot. This is it OP. Don't waste it any further like this!

OP - I am late tot his and it took a while to RTFT but please, please, please, listen to the PP. You are being controlled and coerced, and you need to start taking back some control over your own life.

You are feeling pressured because you are being pressured, and even if a vasectomy is a more simple, lower-risk procedure than female sterilisation, that does not mak your anxiety about it or your concerns any less valid.

If this was a man shutting down all conversations, refusing any alternative options, refusing to allow impartial discussion (i.e. with a counsellor) and not listening to their partner's concerns, the abuse would be screamingly obvious.

Call the clinic yourself and cancel the vasectomy and speak to your GP. Tell someone IRL what is going on.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 my friend has rejected several coils too, they just don't sit in the correct position for her.

@nolovelost

Yep, they don't work for everyone. I blame it on my big babies, I think they did something weird to my insides. That's my non-medical explanation.

Condoms are not 100% safe. We read about it on here so many times about contraceptive failures using condoms. Perhaps the OPs wife doesn’t/can’t take that risk anymore. Sterilisation can start the menopause which at the OPs wife’s age is far too young.

Beansandcoffee

The answer isn't to bully your partner into having a surgery that they don't want, refusing to let them have counselling, financially controlling them or controlling every other aspect of their life is it?

PixiKitKat she has given the OP a solution - a vasectomy or no PIV. So it is up to HIM to deal with it. See, it goes both ways. Only she has already spent YEARS and multiple pregnancies being the one who dealt with it. His turn now!

But when this marriage ends she will still be at risk of pregnancy, so exactly how will that benefit her? Unless her real motivation isn't to avoid pregnancy but to further control the op.

At the very least she should be open to his request to have counselling rather than refusing him access to family money to pay for this.

Ultimately, if she doesn't want to have sex for fear of pregnancy that is what she should be saying. Not unless you have a vasectomy...

hellsbellsmelons
1.She has mentioned before if we can’t decide then we just have to stop having sex – blackmail OP see this for what it is!
the OP is saying it is up to her to take hormones or use condoms which have failed her before or the relationship is doomed - blackmail. Demands SHE takes ALL the burden of hormonal interference, risk of pregnancy - misogyny. See it for what it is!
2.I would happily use condoms but she doesn’t want that either and it seems the only option is for me to get a vasectomy or we don’t have sex – more emotional manipulation and blackmail!
Condoms have failed her before. She has every right to demand no more pregnancies. Either she takes hormones risks another pregnancy - more control and misogyny!
3.and feels like I am being pressured into it but I don’t really see an alternative – there are loads of alternatives, they just don’t suit her so you need to be a good boy and do as you are told!
You see alternatives that ALL DAMAGE OR PLACE A BURDEN ON HER!! These are not alternatives. They are all placing her at risk or affect her health. Hormone treatment has side effects and long term risks. Condoms have failed her. That the OP sees these as 'alternatives' and not the burden they are is indicative of misogyny. If a problem affects a woman, they don't count. Just be a grid girl and carry on damaging your health as YOU DON'T COUNT
4.I just want to say that I have given up and put a lot into our marriage and kids – Yep, she has it pretty good doesn’t she? You make all the sacrifices and she makes none!
Pregnancy, a future with incontinence due to childbirth, taking hormones for years....what exactly has the OP done? What are the sacrifices the OP has made that you speak of??Oh, that's it...none!
5.We decided that I would be a SAHP. I wanted to do it for her and our kids and don’t regret it but I have sacrificed a lot – Yes you have, get out there and find yourself a part time job. You need some sanity out of the house and away from the kids and your controlling wife. You can’t see ‘normal’ any more and it’s quite scary to read!
SHE works full time but somehow the OP has made all the sacrifices as far as you are concerned. How about you swap - she can work less and you can go work too. Both contribute to the childrearing and the income generation
6.it is basically coming down to me having a vasectomy or not having sex – see above
It's basically comes down to her CONTINUING to take health affecting hormones or the relationship is doomed
7.She is not willing to try the coil and doesn’t want piv sex at all – This is just utterly ridiculous. She is a vile human being.
The OP wants her to take ALL the burden. Basically wants to take ZERO responsibility INCASE HE WANTS TO BREED ELSEWHERE!! Sounds vile
8.I totally understand where she is coming from but just think I am doing all the compromising – see above – yes you are – ALL OF IT!!!!
WHAT COMPROMISE?? He hasn't done any yet. She has done ALL to date!!
9.She did say she is more than happy to pay for me to get my sperm frozen – that’s big of her.
He is more than happy for her to CONTINUE to take ALL the burden of contraception. Big of him
10.it does sometimes feel like I am making more compromises and putting more effort into the relationship than her – You know you are. So stop it!! Let her do some of the work. Back right off for a while and see what happens.
WHAT..WHERE...WHAT COMPROMISES has the OP made? She has taken all responsibility to date, She has carried and given birth to their dc. WHAT EXACTLY HAS HE DONE???
11.but I agreed because I love her and want to make things work – stop being so fucking passive in your own life. PLEASE!!!!!
nothing to add here. The OP is being passive. Passive and lacking in taking any responsibility. Dumping it all on his wife
12.my wife earned a much bigger salary and her career is important to her – why??? Why is it always all about HER! What about YOU? What do you really really want!!?
What exactly does he add to this union?
13.I have always prioritised her in our marriage! – to your detriment OP. Now you are just her little lap dog.
She works, she takes responsibility for contraception. She gives birth...what does he actually do?
14.but also to support her so that she can flourish in her career – what about your career. You cannot put your life on hold indefinitely.
He isn't even capable of taking responsibility for contraception. The minute there is something he could do, he refuses. What a catch
15.I am seriously considering the vasectomy and I think I will probably end up doing it – there’s a good boy!
finally
16.I don’t really know very much about it and she said it is not an option we can consider – of course it. You can consider every option. She just doesn’t want to. Now run along and fetch the dinner.
now that would at least be helpful

I can't even be bothered to continue...this is such a dumb poster who is just angry at women....
17.I honestly think that a vasectomy is the only way I can save my marriage and keep the family together – Yes, SHE has made this so. So you have no choice – but YOU DO have a choice. Do not be bullied by this abuser any longer. Take back control of your life.
18.and I shouldn’t be thinking about anything else and having the snip would prove that – Oh dear god. Tell her to fuck off. She could prove the same by being sterilized or at least trying the coil but she won’t. It’s up to YOU to save this. What a crock of shit!!!
19.Maybe I am just being sensitive but I am feeling a bit pressured into it – that is because you ARE being pressured into it. She is being abusive, controlling and bullying you!
20.We only have sex when she wants it – sounds about right from what you have said about her!
21.Therapy just seems very extreme – it is NOT extreme. Stop listening to her bullshit about it. Go along and make your own decision on it!
22.and then if I also become infertile I think will make me feel more emasculated. Am I being ridiculous? – No you are not. That is exactly how she wants you to feel. That is what THIS is all about OP. Keep you in your place! Being a good boy. Don’t do this – please!!!!
23.I don’t actually know how much she earns – this is awful OP. Why the hell not. Ask her tonight and see what she says? If she won’t tell you then the financial abuse will escalate. Tell her you want involved in family budgeting!
24.but I would have to ask her to put more in for therapy but maybe can just say it’s for something else or I will try to find some low cost ones – This is so so sad. You should have full access to family money and you should be able to TELL your DW that you want therapy and will be using some of the family for that!
25.so I have respected that and not pushed it at all – Again – she gets her way. You passively sit and watch your life pass you by.
26.I am wondering if I am in a controlling relationship – YES YES YES YES AND HELL FUCKING YES AGAIN!!!!!
27.that women in controlling relationships are feeling I can really identify with and makes me worry that’s happening to me – Exactly. The scales are starting to fall. Please open your eyes to this properly. It’s hard to face but you need to do it. Sooner rather than later.
28.We have agreed that I am going to get the vasectomy as it is the best option for both of us – NO IT IS NOT!! It is NOT the best option for you. Stop listening to her manipulative bullshit!!!
29.so that I will have time to make sure I 100% want to go ahead and if I dint she will cancel it – of course she will NOT!!!!! She will just pressure you into it whether you want to or not!
30.We only moved to our area recently because of her job so I don’t know that many people – Ahhh… the trailing spouse. The further abuse. Isolating you from family and friends. She certainly knows what she is doing!
31.I do go a bit crazy sometimes just taking to toddlers all day – of course you do. So get out there. Join a gym. Join a local club. Just do something for just YOU!!!
32.She didn’t think we needed councilling and said we can get through it together – because a counsellor will spot her controlling behaviour from a mile away!!! That is why SHE doesn’t want counselling!
33.I think if I am being completely honest I have known she has been a bit controlling for a while but it’s been easier to just ignore it and pretend it isn’t happening – For the love of god, stop burying your head in the sand. Your life is passing you by while you passively watch it go. While this woman controls every fucking aspect of it!
34.She says if I need anything extra or it’s low I just need to ask and she’ll top it up – so you have to ask for money – FINANCIAL ABUSE
35.she is quite big on saving and likes me to keep the receipts for everything but I don’t think she realises what that’s like – she has no idea what it’s like – she has NEVER had to live it. She just inflicts all onto you and you get on with it like a good little boy!!!
36.and I couldn’t earn anywhere near as much as her – I’m not sure what this has got to do with anything!? So what. You earn less. You live within your means. We ALL have to do that you know!?

You have put your life on hold for long enough.
You are being bullied.
You are being coerced.
You are being controlled.
You are being financially abused.
You can contact mankind. Look at THIS LINK and get yourself informed.

Get your life back.
Get YOU back.
Tell her to get to fuck with the vasectomy!!!
TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!
You get one shot. This is it OP. Don't waste it any further like this!

She won't pay for counselling as she can't countenance someone else talking to you and letting you make an informed decision.

And what if you have the surgery and then she still doesn't have sex with you?

You have zero guarantee.

And what if she has an affair and gets pregnant? Omg. That's you in the loony bin.

Here's another thing I don't often say (in fact I think have never said : ) - you have to get your act together and leave her.

Where are your parents?

Do you have siblings and or friends to support you?

She works, she takes responsibility for contraception. She gives birth...what does he actually do?

I Have raised and looked after our kids!!! I also do pretty much all the cooking and also most of the housework! So no I don’t work but I have contributed a lot!!

So you think that she doesn’t respect me or even love me?? I really don’t know what to think. It’s all a lot to take in and very confusing!

Well my dad left when I was young and I’m an only child so it’s just me and my mum bit she lives about 3 hours away so quite far away. It’s embarrassing to admit but I don’t really have many friends where we live now

In your shoes I’d go to counselling by myself.

Adding everything together doesn't paint a rosy picture I’m sorry to say.

Flower it sounds like you have been and are a wonderful father and husband. Really.

I think the general concern here, though, is that you're being manoeuvred into a position where you feel you have no option but to do something that many people would find unthinkable at your age. And there are simple alternative contraceptive methods which millions of us use with no problem.

Your mum is quite a long way away, you're not getting out into a workplace to make connections so are quite isolated in terms of friends, and this all means you have less outside support and alternative perspectives and opinions.

I'm so glad you came on here. I for one thank you for asking for our thoughts.

It doesn't need to be confusing.

I'm sure she loves you in her own way. But she is a controlling person and that has been sort of ok, although the financial control is bad, but now she's actually trying to force you into a drastic surgery. And you must feel it isn't right, because you came on here to ask what we thought.

You need to learn how to stand your ground and make new boundaries. The easiest thing would be to go to your gp, explain the issue and ask about counselling. Where I live there's a free or very low cost service called Talking Space. Maybe you could access something similar?

@hellsbellsmelons
I just want to say that was a f*$king epic post - thank you 🙏

Unbelievable that such obvious red flags around a power imbalance in a relationship can be labelled ‘misogynistic’ - as if feminism has nothing to offer but solidarity with any abuse as long as women are the perpetrators. When in fact it is the feminist critique that explains the power narrative that is perfectly exemplified by role reversal when a man is in the position that is predominantly experienced by women.
Just a thank you and @damnthatanxiety - you are scraping a barrel of shit.

@damnthatanxiety - OP’s wife has had ONE bad experience with condoms! That doesn’t give anyone some trump card to demand anything.
Condoms combined with spermicide lube and avoiding PIV sex during ovulation is pretty full proof really. I’d guess that if they split and she was back on the dating scene, that’s what she’d be doing, not filtering out any partners that were still fertile. What do you think?

@damnthatanxiety - well hello OP's wife! (I know you are not from your posting history)
We all agree. It's not just me!
I'm just highlighting ALL the red flags and there are many.

Not angry at women at all - just angry at abusers and their apologists!!
No matter what gender they may be!
It happens both ways.

And I think you may have missed the sarcasm, cynicism and irony in some of my responses!

I've been on some form of birth control since I was 17. I'm now 35. I would be fine with my dh having a vasectomy, it's his turn now frankly.
If we were to split I would honestly feel that him going on to have more children isn't really my problem.
Harsh perhaps but it's true.

My husband and I are both 30 with two children. My husband had it a few months ago because of what female contraception does to a woman's body and because he doesn't like condoms. It is the couple's choice but we are confident in our marriage and out choice.

@Beansandcoffee Condoms are not 100% safe.

That's true of all contraception choices, including vasectomies!

All this talk of "turns" is ridiculous. Op cannot carry children, so doesn't really get a say in that bit. He has however, stayed at home, giving up his career to raise his children, which actually is far more important, and harder than carrying them for 9mths (will wait for the onslaught of abuse for saying that).

"Turns" don't come into a marriage.

Of course turns are a thing. I've had 3 children. I've given up time in my career. I've spent years on hormonal contraception that has been taxing on my body, time spent thinking about what's best for my body, what suits me, what is causing side effects. Remembering to take the pill, booking appointments to have my injection. Years of this shite.
He hasn't had to give it a second thought. I've shouldered that responsibility. It is his turn simple as that because that's what relationships are about, he is as much invested in not having any more children as I am so he can take the responsibility. I've done more than my share.