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Original poster

Should I get a vasectomy

550 replies

Flower8919 · 29/01/2020 10:08

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

OP posts:
Urkiddingright · 04/02/2020 12:45

You can reverse a vasectomy and I’m not sure why you’d be considering finding another woman in future to procreate with if you don’t want any more children with your wife Hmm.

PaterPower · 04/02/2020 14:20

Dear God, really? Did you bother to RTFT?

You can’t easily (because the quacks will generally make sure it’s not during the first op) or cheaply, (as reversals aren’t done on the NHS) reverse a vasectomy.

And why wouldn’t he consider the future in the same way a woman would? He might change his mind about wanting more kids, either with his wife or with a.n.other woman.

And that would be exactly zero percent of anybody else’s business (with the exception of the person he wants to get pregnant at that point).

TangledMind · 04/02/2020 14:21

My DP has had a vasectomy, it should be your decision regardless of if your in a relationship, sure hear her opinion but it's your choice and you should never be forced. There's potential for the procedure to give you permenant pain that won't go away which is not pleasant and for me and my partner it was a worry for 3 months but thankfully he didn't have permanent pain. Also they lie about recovery time, my partner couldn't barely walk for 2 weeks let alone anything else and had a significant amount of time off work but doctors claimed his had been routine and was healing as they expected.
Why can't she have her tubes tied? She doesn't want any more children clearly so wouldn't it make more sense for her to consider herself having a snip.

Because of my age I literally can't persuade any doctor to tie my tubes (25) especially as I don't have any children. Where as my partner wanted a vasectomy before we met but our relationship gave him the push to get it done finally.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/02/2020 19:08

PIV is not the only kind of sex that counts

That's surely up to the 2 people having sex to decide? It's not really up to you to dictate it to other people is it?

category12 · 04/02/2020 19:12

Hardly - but claiming a relationship without PIV is "sexless" when there are tons of non-penetrative sexual activities a couple could partake in is clearly bollocks.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/02/2020 19:16

Well, I would class my relationship as sexless without piv because everything else is 1 partner doing something to another. piv is the only thing experienced by both partners at the same time.

category12 · 04/02/2020 19:31

So anal, oral, mutual masturbation, sex toys, and dozens of other practices that it'll get mighty graphic if I go into that involve two or more people are all not sex as defined by you. Good to know. But that's a very limited definition of what sex is and very excluding. It's not a definition I and I think most people would share. To me sexless is where all intimacy has ceased.

category12 · 04/02/2020 19:33

Or to put it ianother way, you and Bill Clinton.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/02/2020 19:36

@category12 Fair enough, but many couples really enjoy piv and it's a major part of their sex lives.

Marshmello · 04/02/2020 19:37

Cat12 Bill Clinton hahaha 😂😂😂

DesperateElf · 04/02/2020 19:39

I think what zebra is trying to say, all these other things are nice additions, but without piv ever happening, it's hard to sustain enthusiasm for other sexual activities. So no piv may not be sexless per se but would become completely sexless in no time for many people, particularly at age 30!

category12 · 04/02/2020 19:42

I do myself AmIcrazyorWhat2 - big fan Grin - but I really object to the erasure of all other types of sex from existence by people claiming if there's no PIV, a relationship is "sexless".

category12 · 04/02/2020 19:43

I'm not sure what basis you have for that, DesperateElf.

DesperateElf · 04/02/2020 19:52

Just guessing Wink

CHRISprattsFUTUREwife · 04/02/2020 20:00

My partner is 31 and I'm 33...currently pregnant but after birth I'm refusing to go back on the pill as it has been awful and the depo was even worse. He agrees that stuff shouldn't be going into my body either and we hate condoms. This will be our last baby so I will either get sterilised or him a vasectomy.as we definitely can't go without sex for the rest of our relationship. But I don't think she should be made to have contraception, it takes 2. Is she against having sterlisation herself? If you dont want any more kids then I don't see why you couldn't have the vasectomy..I know loads of men ages from 28 to 33 that have had the snip and they feel so much better not having to think about protection and the women arent pumped up with pills and hormones

differentnameforthis · 05/02/2020 05:53

I’m not sure why you’d be considering finding another woman in future to procreate with if you don’t want any more children with your wife

Because she may not be as controlling as his wife?

Also, something people need to take in account when pushing someone to end their fertility... It's one thing to not WANT any more children, it's a whole other knowing you CANNOT have anymore.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/02/2020 06:38

I really don't see how you can compare contraception with sterilisation.

Contraception is temporary, sterilisation is permanent.

A woman doesn't want to take contraception, that's her choice but she cannot insist that her partner has a vasectomy.

A huge number of marriages end and many people go on to have more children in a future relationship - men and women. This is something that should be considered when opting for sterilisation - are you sure that no matter what happens you definitely do not want anymore children. If you have any doubts then you shouldn't go ahead.

What's interesting for me about the ops wife is that she appears controlling in other aspects of their lives. She apparently wants no more children, rejects any and all forms of contraception including condoms and won't get sterilised herself, meaning she retains the option of having more children in the future but is trying to force the op to end his ability to do the same. It's almost like she's trying to control the possibility of him having other children in any future relationship if the marriage ends. I hope the op is very wary about this.

Marshmello · 05/02/2020 08:24

Hearhooves has made the point excellently.

That's it.

She refuses contraception but says wants no more children. She forces him to have a vasectomy or have no more sex and potentially lose his family.

So if they ever do split up, she knows he'll have less partner options as will be sterile, and also there's no chance of upsetting second families and half brothers and sisters.

I don't often say this, but in my opinion she is a total B.I.T.C.H. and please please please stand up to her, Flower.

☹️

Original poster
Flower8919 · 05/02/2020 10:16

Thank you for posting I have read everyones comments and i just really don’t know what to think. She said she thinks councilling is a waste of money and won’t pay for it And that she had it before and it didn’t help at all, only made things worse.

She said she will more than happily pay for my sperm to be frozen so she doesn’t see the big deal and that I’m just making a big fuss about a harmless procedure when she asks me to take a bit of responsibility.

I don’t know if she is right or not.

Also I know there is other sex you can do apart from Piv but since she said that we haven’t actually done anything

OP posts:
PixiKitKat · 05/02/2020 10:29

I think you need to have think, if you go through with this will you resent her afterwards? Could this be the beginning of the end for your relationship?
Don't let her pressure you into making a choice about your body and what happens to it. She does not own you, you are not an object.
I'd advise going for counselling on your own if she won't go. You should quite isolated and view it as her money when it should be family money in your circumstances.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2020 10:32

Wow - she is being very controlling OP.
Do you want this for yourself for the rest of your life?
She sounds very controlling.
Why should YOU give up your fertility?
What did she say when you suggested that, as she doesn't want more kids that she should get sterilised??
I would suggest, as you sound very passive, that you didn't even mention it.
I would now, honestly, give her 3 choices.

1 - easy option - use condoms
2 - she wants this so SHE gets sterilised.
3 - you separate as you are not prepared to live a life being controlled and without sex.
You are far too young to do that and you will end up resenting her any way.

See what she says to that.
But... you need to get far more assertive.
It's a firm NO on a vasectomy, so which option does SHE want to choose???

loveyoutothemoon · 05/02/2020 12:51

Like another poster pointed out - do you think she would actually want sex after you had a vasectomy?

millymollymoomoo · 05/02/2020 13:11

Just tell her no - end of

You’re sahd dad, primary carer and have given up career to support her so likely to be come out if split ok! Tell her thats what you’ll be doing

damnthatanxiety · 05/02/2020 13:59

At the end of the day his wife could end up leaving him and she'd still have the option of having children with a new partner. as could he if she got sterilised.

The OP is basically saying he doesn't want to take any responsibility. She must take the burden of child birth and of contraceptive treatment. The op doesn't want no PIV sex but dues by want to take personal responsibility. Sounds like a catch

PixiKitKat · 05/02/2020 14:28

The OP has offered a solution though @damnthatanxiety he said he is happy to use condoms! So has taken a reasonable precaution but she isn't happy with this. Therefore I think it's up to her to deal with it.

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