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Original poster

He’s Jewish . I’m not.

233 replies

Upyerbum70 · 27/01/2020 16:39

Good afternoon. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here - please be gentle. Sorry if it’s long.

I’m 49 with 2 x DDs. Met b/f on a dating app (nice story behind it too). It’s only been a 3 or 4 months so I appreciate its not a long time to be together. He’s 48 with 1 x DD. He nursed his wife for a good few years before she passed away.

Just recently His parents have started putting pressure on him to find a person within his own faith to be with. I take on board This is his situation to navigate.but He’s stuck in the middle and it’s making him miserable and poorly with worry. It’s hard to watch.

My question is - what I should do?
Options: Walk away? Make the decision easier for him.
Stay- and keep at a respectful distance /stance - I. E . Keep my mouth shut (as he’s getting it in the neck from one side)
Stay - and be vocally supportive and try to let him know I’m here for him and he should be able to choose - esp after such an awful few years.

I’m a bit confused by the whole situation and his messages are a muddled to be honest. I know he likes me a lot. We laugh and have lots of contact, intimacy and a good friendship.

The bottom line is he knows at 48 he should be able to act how he pleases (within reason) as long as he’s a good parent for his daughter. But he’s struggling.

OP posts:
OneHanded · 27/01/2020 16:44

I think this is completely down to him to handle and for you to be as supportive as possible/ as he needs. I’m sorry because it’s equally as awful a situation for you to be in but otherwise you’re potentially throwing everything away for nothing, or pressing him into ruining his family relationship.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/01/2020 16:45

Are his parents wanting/expecting more GC? If you are not Jewish then any dc from you would not be "proper" Jewish even if raised in the faith. (Matrineal descent)

At less than 4 months in, I think I'd probably give it til 6 months then see how the land lies. At that point I'd be wanting to meet his parents and other family. If he's not ready for that then I'd probably walk away.

Shoxfordian · 27/01/2020 16:46

He's struggling to stand up to his parents at 48
Game over

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 27/01/2020 16:49

Thanks. No more children. Both too old for that malarkey. He wears his emotions and talks openly - which I like about him . I Think his parents have seen a change in him - hes happier and he’s pushing forward in other areas of his life too - and I genuinely think they’re struggling with the overall changes he’s making. It must be hard for them too. They don’t want to meet me, I have offered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 27/01/2020 16:54

shox yep I know. He’s knows. But not sure what I do while he navigates. And to be honest I’m not even sure that he won’t end up toeing the line. At the weekend he said he’s taking one day at a time. But he’s not slept and has had limited contact today.

OP posts:
BercowsFlyingFlamingo · 27/01/2020 16:55

I wonder why they don't want to meet you? Do they think he's moved on too quickly after his wife's death perhaps? I'd hope he stands up to them but if not then I can't see this going anywhere as he'll be torn between you and his parents. But then he's nearly 50! His parents need to butt out. It's his life, not theirs.

Lipz · 27/01/2020 16:55

If he's happy and you are then I don't see a problem. What does he say ? Is he concerned that you are not Jewish ? Does it really make a difference in your relationship ? I don't know Jewish people so I'm not sure their beliefs etc. Surely if he had any concerns or only wanted to be with a Jewish woman he wouldn't have started dating you? I wouldn't worry about his parents, if they don't like you for not been Jewish then you can just not see them.

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 27/01/2020 16:57

He’s been a widow for over 2 years. He did meet someone fairly soon and dated for a year. But she was of the same faith.

They don’t want to meet me as I’m not Jewish, they’ve told him he’s not setting a good example for his daughter. Said daughter just wants her dad to be happy.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/01/2020 16:57

Cut your losses and get back on the app is my advice

VinceNoirsHair · 27/01/2020 17:02

He's 48! If he's letting his parents dictate to him about what kind of girlfriend he should have, imagine what they'd be like down the line. He's a grown man, fgs.

I'd run away as fast as you can, OP. Either way, this isn't going to end well.

Strongmummy · 27/01/2020 17:04

Bloody hell OP. Do you really want to be with a man who’s so beholden to his parents ?

ChinUpChestOut · 27/01/2020 17:05

I'm with shoxfordian I'm afraid. If his parents, who must be nearly or at least 70, are so hardcore that they don't want to meet the non-Jewish girlfriend of their middle aged son - well, they won't be at any wedding then, will they? No Friday night dinners for you, and you won't be at ANY family gatherings.

You can play it cool, see how it goes, but I really wouldn't get too attached. It's unlikely he's going to go against his family beliefs at this stage, and you're going to be dumped not too far down the line. Get out at 6 months unless he's given you a strong reason to believe he'll go against what his parents say. And even then, I'm not sure I'd believe it.......

FrownPrincess · 27/01/2020 17:05

Step away. The pressure from his parents will make your bf unhappy, and his feelings of guilt will end up poisoning your relationship.

Luscinia · 27/01/2020 17:11

This happened to me when I was in my twenties (I am 60 now.) I cut my losses after six months as he wouldn't/didn't want to stand up to his mother and I thought he probably never would. We talked about it a lot during that time. It was obviously important to him but, equally, it was important to me to be accepted. No regrets.

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 27/01/2020 17:12

Yup - I’m feeling all those feelings too. Obviously I want to scream FFS you’re 48! So, yes, I think I’ll get to 6 months and see how the land lies.

frown he’s been utterly miserable this week - it’s etoyten all over him. He can’t believe that they’re even doing this to him. I understand - but also feel he needs to find his voice and say “ I understand your concerns, but I’m not crumbling”. I can live with not seeing them - they can live with not seeing me - but he’d be stuck.

OP posts:
HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 27/01/2020 17:13

My Ex bf was Jewish and I'm not. His mum had reservations about me and was worried until she met me. We got on well and she could see he was happy. We became very close in the end. He is now married to someone jewish. His mum told me that she'd have been happy if I'd converted.

RuffleCrow · 27/01/2020 17:14

If he can't stand up to them now he probably never will. A decent man would laugh it off "ok mum and dad, that's a good one." And then carry on living his own life exactly as he pleases. He sounds completely enmeshed - or he's using their disapproval as an excuse.

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 27/01/2020 17:15

His viewpoint is that he did ‘the right thing’ and married a lovely Jewish woman and they were happy and had a lovely Jewish daughter. But it wasn’t to be and he’s had a crappy few years nursing his wife, parenting a small child. Now, he just wants a quiet life moving forward. Doing what he wants. He’s not arsed about me not being Jewish. We discussed this on the early days.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 27/01/2020 17:17

Start going to his synagogue and discuss conversion with the rabbi...(just to get informed)
Get a feel for his particular community
Is it orthodox or reformist?
Open or closed ?

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 27/01/2020 17:17

Enmeshed - They are close. They live nearby. They help with childcare. They’re the only family he has. Now both parents are deeply unhappy with his choice.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 27/01/2020 17:19

If his family see you turning up to events with him they might start seeing different e.g any holocaust day events you can go to at his synagogue?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/01/2020 17:19

What do you want longer-term op? To live together as a blended family? To wait until your respective DCs grow up? To keep dating and living separately (nowt wrong with that, by the way!).

I think that has a real impact on where this goes. If you are both happy and don't really want to blend your lives, then it doesn't really matter what the parents think. If you want more, in whatever timescale, then I'd cut your losses. Although if you do decide to stay in scenario A, I'd have it on the condition that he doesn't keep repeating all the parental angst to you - he'll need to deal with it himself, otherwise it's supremely wearing.

Embracelife · 27/01/2020 17:20

I went to an event yesterday with my Jewish friend...open to all...

Embracelife · 27/01/2020 17:22

Some synagogue/communities more open ? More liberal ?

BentNeckLady · 27/01/2020 17:27

I couldn’t stay with anyone who at almost 50 couldn’t stand up to his own parents.

It’s a complete waste of your time.

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