He’s Jewish . I’m not.

[Upyerbum70]

Good afternoon. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here - please be gentle. Sorry if it’s long.

I’m 49 with 2 x DDs. Met b/f on a dating app (nice story behind it too). It’s only been a 3 or 4 months so I appreciate its not a long time to be together. He’s 48 with 1 x DD. He nursed his wife for a good few years before she passed away.

Just recently His parents have started putting pressure on him to find a person within his own faith to be with. I take on board This is his situation to navigate.but He’s stuck in the middle and it’s making him miserable and poorly with worry. It’s hard to watch.

My question is - what I should do?
Options: Walk away? Make the decision easier for him.
Stay- and keep at a respectful distance /stance - I. E . Keep my mouth shut (as he’s getting it in the neck from one side)
Stay - and be vocally supportive and try to let him know I’m here for him and he should be able to choose - esp after such an awful few years.

I’m a bit confused by the whole situation and his messages are a muddled to be honest. I know he likes me a lot. We laugh and have lots of contact, intimacy and a good friendship.

The bottom line is he knows at 48 he should be able to act how he pleases (within reason) as long as he’s a good parent for his daughter. But he’s struggling.

I think we’d both be happy to live separately while we parent our daughters . We seem to be fine with days out and o etnogbts ehere we can get them. He’s a great cook and loves the fact I like his food (understatement).

He was at an evening on Saturday evening to celebrate a bat mitzvah (probably spelled that incorrectly). He didn’t want to go. Felt lovely whilst there. Pressure from parents to attend. No invite for me - though I had another event but I would have chosen to go with him as I know he hates those kind of things . People just want to talk about his late wife.

As someone with experience of this, I think that his parents are probably worried about him setting an example to his DD, in that there may be more likelyhood of her then marrying someone not Jewish if her dad is dating/married to someone not Jewish.

I do believe that at 48 he needs to make the decision to stand up for what he wants to do in life, and not his parents. He has obviously been through tragedy and feels indebted to his parents for their help and support, but he needs to move on from this feeling of guilt and obligation.

Either he goes through the route of persuading them that you are a good choice of partner, and maybe showing them that you are happy to get involved in some parts of the culture. Or, he needs to stand up to them and tell them that he needs to do what is right for him to be happy.

It may be that if this is not possible, then you’ll be better splitting up.

In a way he needs to talk to his parents and ask them whether they think he'll achieve anything by putting this pressure on him?

Does it really matter now? The kids are grown up and will do their own thing... but I suppose it is difficult in that they could decide to pin any child deciding not to follow Judaism, or taking a non-Jewish partner, is your fault.

I go to a synagogue that welcomes intermarried couples, but sadly I know that this kind of welcome is still not all that common among communities and among some older parents

I think it's a bit unfair to accuse OP's partner of 'not standing up to his parents', situations like this are about much more than standing up to one's parents, there's a huge legacy behind it about the continuation of Judaism, there is possible alienation from your community if they are going to be arseholes about it and so on.

I think this is way too much stress for so early on in the relationship.

I think growing up in a multi cultural society means that you can be of different faiths and celebrate both holidays. I understand the older generation aren't as open minded as the younger ones etc. That said, could you really move forward knowing his family think less of you because you aren't the same faith? That is the same as saying you are less than good enough because of ethnicity or skin colour.

Regarding converting - I only believe in converting if it is really what is in your heart - not to please anyone else.

Personally, I would NOT be with a man who couldn't/wouldn't stand up to his family. I think this can be done in such a way as not to offend and can be done respecrfully. For example, they can continue to be invited (birthdays etc) but if they chose not to come because you are there then they miss out. Really easy.

I know for a fact my parents have questioned my choice of partners over the years but never ever made it awkward for me.

Good luck OP. I know you feel for this man.

I think you two need to sit down and have a conversation about what the future holds. I’m Jewish, dh isn’t. It’s not an issue.

I certainly wanted to marry someone Jewish and did lots of Jewish dating sites, etc. But it’s not how it worked out and I’m quite happy with that. Jewish communities and synagogues generally are quite welcoming to non-Jews. Some aren’t, but it would be pretty obvious if he belonged to one of those. He wouldn’t be dating you! Those communities are quite isolated and suspicious of outsiders but that’s far from the norm.

There can be a lot of pressure to marry another Jew. That’s quite typical of older generations. It’s only an issue if he can’t stand up to his family and be forthcoming about what he wants to do.

That said, Judaism can be a lovely progressive and welcoming faith so if you would consider converting, you would be made very welcome. But there are lots of happy interfaith marriages that work very well (my dh is an atheist and we’ve easily found a happy middle ground).

Walk away. If his parents won't even meet you and he's having a hard time of it 4 months in, how do you think it will be if you get more serious? Never invited to family events etc.

He shouldn't have to decide what happens with the relationship, but he should be able to tell them that his relationships are his and they have nothing to say about them.

If he's not capable of this, then I'd rather walk away than play the waiting game. Plus, even it he decides to stay, it will clearly affect him and the relationship in the long term.

I'm sorry , can you imagine the outrage if OP said she didn't want to meet his parents because they are Jewish. In this day and age , unacceptable to discriminate (rightly) what message does this send to his daughter ?

speaking as someone who married someone from another faith - sometimes these things can work out - dh was prepared to marry me dsil (his lovely sister) played peacemaker & I was accepted by the family after we married. Give him a little time if you consider he is worth it - the fact that he cares enough about people he loves feelings is not him being weak but you can be honest with him - by saying that you can be patient for a while but you will have to rethink this if he hasn't reached a decision in X time - you don't have to be enmeshed in his family as long as his dd is fine with you & her df & your dc

Gosh OP, just wanted to say that sounds really hard. You clearly feel for him but he's also tied to his parents too. I'm sorry I've no real advice apart from I think you need to be ready for his choice to be his parents.

Would you consider converting

Rather than 'convert' (as not all variants would accept that anyway, Orthodox certainly don't), is it possible that you could learn as much as you can about his faith? They are probably concerned that with a potential non-Jewish stepmother, that their granddaughter will lose her identity - the one that millions of innocent people were murdered for. Perhaps if they knew that you weren't about to start feeding her bacon sandwiches and understood/supported their heritage and culture (and obviously went far deeper into understanding than that, I am being a little flippant there), they would be less frightened?

I feel most of the above too.

Firstly I’m just a bit miffed that they’re not interested in meeting me . My family and particularly my grandmother were very well known for running a boarding house in the 1950s and that she was so welcoming - regardless of background. Stories of lovely Irish workmen sharing rooms as they weren't welcome anywhere else, and a homosexual couple (plenty of stories there) and endless displaced Eastern Europeans post war. All treated equally and propetly cared for. I’ve been brought up not to discriminate. So, I guess I’m a bit 🤨

Secondly - I don’t think he’s that arsed. We respect each other’s festivals /events etc. No issues. I don’t think he’d even want me to convert.

He believes his parents are being unreasonable- his brother is living with a non Jewish partner with 2 children. No issues there - though they live far away. But he feels terrible about it. I suspect I’ll be ditched. Which will also irk me. 😡

I think this is complicated. There are a variety of Jewish communities in the UK, some more closed, some more open. Jewish culture does put family (including wider family) at its core. The Jewish mother jokes do have a kernel of truth to them.

His family were probably very close to his ex wife (presumably Jewish) and she was a member of that community. I imagine his parents are at least late 70s now, so their own parents grew up in the shadow of the Holocaust. It will be hard for them to embrace someone outside the faith, especially when there will be no new children. I am not saying that is right but it is understandable. Your boyfriend will thus be torn between devastating his parents and maybe losing contact with them or devastating you.

A lot of the above is speculation and they may just need to get over the hurdle of meeting you to welcome you into the family. Or it may not be.

I guess, for both him and you, you need to weigh the stress your relationship will cause him and his family versus what you both get out of it. If it is a true meeting of hearts and minds, maybe he needs to tell his parents that they have no choice. If not, however, maybe it is just not worth the heartache.

Those of you saying he just needs to grow a pair, or words to that effect, clearly have no idea of how hard it will be for him with both his parents and wider community.

No bacon sarnies. I’m veggie

He has to handle it. His parents want him with someone Jewish as it's the female line that makes children Jewish. Even if you're not having any more kids they won't want non-Jewish step kids.

You're a Shiksa... it's taboo for him to be with you.

I'm in a mixed relationship. My DH is a federation (orthodox) jew by upbringing. He hot divorced which in itself is a no no. His family were shocked. He them met me. I'm 20 years younger, not jewish and we had a child. His family freaked.
It was mind bending for them. His dad realised it was most important DH was happy.
DH managed to avoid his family for a long while initially so avoided any of the situations you're in. Can he not cut the apron strings a bit. If they were less involved it wouldnt matter as much as they would have less influence.
Some posters may find the Jewish family quite tricky to understand. It can be very involved compared to other family types and what parents say matters. The influence of tradition, and following the group has not evolved in some circles. Whilst we can say you have a man problem, there may be an element sometimes of a culture difference problem (not always). This doesnt mean its not possible to get past. It really depends on how much he is committed to you and the relationship and how much you want to stick with it.
Perhaps you need to have a serious talk. Maybe in a couple of months if you're still at this point he needs to make sure his parents meet you by hook or by crook and face the consequences. You'll see where his allegiances lie and his parents will be forced to come to the realise his happiness counts.

Can I pass on a story for you to pass on to your BF which he can pass on to his parents? This is the story of an older relative of mine. When she was young she fell madly in love with a young Jewish man. He asked her to marry him but her mother wouldn’t allow it. He was the wrong faith. He tried to convince her to go away with him but her mother hid her passport and talked the whole family into guilt tripped her over her duty to her parents. In the end they found a nice Muslim man for her to marry. Except he wasn’t nice at all. She left him after ten years together and raised her kids as a single mum. Things didn’t work out for her Jewish boyfriend either. They managed to get in touch years later thanks to the power of Facebook and for both of them not running away was the biggest regret of their lives. When two people are sufficiently in love to act against their families it’s a sign of divine intervention, acting against it often incurs punishment.

He’s the problem here.

Moping about it to you so much is a big red flag.

I’d cut my losses, but for your sake, not his.

Is he from an orthodox or reform branch?

Honestly - cut your losses. I am sure he is a wonderful man but it's pretty much going to end up going nowhere as he will have to marry a Jewish woman (if he wants to re-marry). Think about what you want for your future and if it includes marriage, families being involved etc, then it's time to leave.

Thank you for all the comments - it’s only raised its head this week - not sure why. I don’t really have lots of friends to talk this over with. They’re busy parents, I work shifts etc. So I’ve been mulling it over on my own.

I’m totally open and understanding when it comes to his faiths festivals and ceremonies. He’s close friends with a lovely gay couple and they support him a lot. he cooked for all 4 of us over Xmas and we celebrated Hanukkah and discussed all the important meanings it involves. It’s all been so easy. Until this week.

He’s not exactly ‘moping’ about it. But he’s painfully aware of the difference of opinions and it’s clear he’s carrying the weight of it. He literally looks weighed down with it all, so unlike him.

My husband is Jewish, I am not. When I first met his family, his grandmother was pretty set on my concerting, but she soon chilled out about it! I’ve always felt extremely lucky and welcomed, though I know that other, non-Jewish family members who’ve married in, don’t feel quite the same way. The big difference, I think, is that they were extremely resistant to the traditions and practices, whilst I’ve always been really interested, asked questions and enthusiastically joined in. My DH had a bit of a wobble early on because he had always seen himself marrying another Jew, but he found me instead and so we have an interfaith household. He knows that if we ever do finally manage to have kids (been ttc for a very long time), we will bring them up to understand their heritage and they have a huge extended family with whom we will continue to celebrate Passover and Yom Kippur etc.

My advice is to take an interest in his culture, ask him questions and try to involve yourself where appropriate. Can you suggest he does a Friday night dinner that you can come to? Maybe he can invite his parents? That way they can see that you aren’t going to take their son and GC away or prevent them from continuing their family traditions. Oh and don’t blow the candles out. Ever!

But the general concensus seems to be give it a little while longer and see what time brings. But set myself a time limit - though my gut feeling is he’ll crumble and give in. That’s shit isn’t it.

Thank you snarky. It’s interesting hearing others experiences.I’m genuinely interested in him - therefore his background and culture - he knows that. It’s not really been an issue.