He’s Jewish . I’m not.

[Upyerbum70]

Good afternoon. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here - please be gentle. Sorry if it’s long.

I’m 49 with 2 x DDs. Met b/f on a dating app (nice story behind it too). It’s only been a 3 or 4 months so I appreciate its not a long time to be together. He’s 48 with 1 x DD. He nursed his wife for a good few years before she passed away.

Just recently His parents have started putting pressure on him to find a person within his own faith to be with. I take on board This is his situation to navigate.but He’s stuck in the middle and it’s making him miserable and poorly with worry. It’s hard to watch.

My question is - what I should do?
Options: Walk away? Make the decision easier for him.
Stay- and keep at a respectful distance /stance - I. E . Keep my mouth shut (as he’s getting it in the neck from one side)
Stay - and be vocally supportive and try to let him know I’m here for him and he should be able to choose - esp after such an awful few years.

I’m a bit confused by the whole situation and his messages are a muddled to be honest. I know he likes me a lot. We laugh and have lots of contact, intimacy and a good friendship.

The bottom line is he knows at 48 he should be able to act how he pleases (within reason) as long as he’s a good parent for his daughter. But he’s struggling.

Actually OP be grateful your child doesn't have to be around such small minded, ignorant, prejudice people such as his parents. Lucky escape if you ask me.

Orthodox families do out pressure to marry only within orthodox families. There's a very good film about it on Netflix.

Being a Jew goes beyond religion, that's why there are so many secular ones. It's more about tradition than anything else. But tradition is very much embedded in us, many prayers say "our God and the God of our ancestors". You can or not believe in said God, that's entirely up to you but the ancestors remain. That's why when anybody converts most of the time they chose to known as son if Abraham and Sarah .

What I'm saying is that the weight of our families is MASSIVE and even when you do something out of tradition you have to hide it. My DS didn't have a Bris (circumcision) and my community doesn't have a clue it didn't happen just to keep the peace.

Times should change but some things that have remained for thousands of years are hard to break. Newer generations will continue to evolve it, but it will take some time.

Side note, you can't have a Jewish wedding in the UK unless both are Jews. That goes to all sects as that's the law (British law). Many Reform and Liberal shuls will perform a same sex wedding but still both have to be Jews.

My sister married a Kurd and everybody is fine, he didn't convert (nor did my DH) and everybody is ok about it, but our homes are Jewish and we live a Jewish family life.

I don't care who my DC marry / partner with but hopefully our culture and traditions will pass on.

I'm not condoning it, but they're old school. Marrying a "goy" or gentile is very much frowned upon and sometimes equaled with the Holocaust (I've heard it more than once).

For better or for worse I've seen a lot of these old school folks are VERY stubborn. I don't think his family is very frum (observant) but I can see why they're worried about his daughter.

Goodness me religions are hard work sometimes! Most of what has been said about judaism could also be said about Islam and yet there is an expectation that the latter 'should' modernise and keep up to date with current society.

This post is about Judaism. Don't get it twisted - I would be saying the exact same about Islam!

@Iamback23 What's the film called please?

I think it's age TBH... His parents are old(ish). Most people in their thirties/twenties would have more understanding parents.

I'm sure there's a massive difference in observance levels in Islam too. But Reform Jews are not expected to keep kosher. Usually intermarriage is fine as long as the other person converts or a Jewish home is kept. Obviously that varies between families.

LOL so marry who you want but you ha e to do it our way? Come in surely even you see the arrogance and oppression in that?

It's called "The Awakening of Motti" very funny film.

@IamTheAntiChrist I'm not saying that's what I think but I've heard it a few times. I honestly cannot think how they can compare the two but they do.

It all depends on levels of assimilation. If the daughter has never celebrated Christmas or Easter she might be more prone to do so and have a Mish mash of the both. There's nothing wrong about it , but it does take some effort to keep Christmas away from one's life.

And obviously if they're against his son marrying a goy, they wouldn't want the same for their granddaughter so it makes it more likely to happen.

@Ruderidinghood you're missing the point that you can't have a religious Jewish wedding unless both are Jews and that's unrelated to our own religious bodies. Liberals didn't make those rules, but it's the law.

Say you marry a Spaniard... I'm sure his family would like Spanish to be spoken at home and losing Spanish is seen as a downside? Why would it be wrong for the parents to expect (and hope) that Spanish is spoken at home with the DC?

But a language is something you can acquire given practice. You can't become genetically Jewish so it seems a bit harsh. I think it's the racial element that's the slap in the face.

I think as long as we have certain groups that are 'allowed' to be racist, or sexist, or homophobic if they choose to be (because they're Jewish or Muslim or even Transgender) it's going to be an uphill struggle to reach true equality.

@RuffleCrow of course you can't. In theory (and I'm saying in theory because I know for a fact that in Latin America this isn't the case) if you convert you're as much as a Jew as the Cohen's sitting next to you.

In Israel you see Jews of all ethnicities and I personally know a rabbi in Amsterdam who is half Indonesian.

@Iamback23

I just wanted to say thanks for your incredibly calm replies to this thread; aiming to educate and share information (regardless of your own opinions) without becoming emotionally involved 👌

And thanks for the Netflix recommendation! We will be checking it out

Blimey, this seems to have escalated.

There are only about 14 million Jews left in the world. Some feel that unless young Jewish people marry in, then Judaism will die out. They find that idea upsetting.

Is that really difficult to understand?
Yes, I guess it is.