He’s Jewish . I’m not.

[Upyerbum70]

Good afternoon. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here - please be gentle. Sorry if it’s long.

I’m 49 with 2 x DDs. Met b/f on a dating app (nice story behind it too). It’s only been a 3 or 4 months so I appreciate its not a long time to be together. He’s 48 with 1 x DD. He nursed his wife for a good few years before she passed away.

Just recently His parents have started putting pressure on him to find a person within his own faith to be with. I take on board This is his situation to navigate.but He’s stuck in the middle and it’s making him miserable and poorly with worry. It’s hard to watch.

My question is - what I should do?
Options: Walk away? Make the decision easier for him.
Stay- and keep at a respectful distance /stance - I. E . Keep my mouth shut (as he’s getting it in the neck from one side)
Stay - and be vocally supportive and try to let him know I’m here for him and he should be able to choose - esp after such an awful few years.

I’m a bit confused by the whole situation and his messages are a muddled to be honest. I know he likes me a lot. We laugh and have lots of contact, intimacy and a good friendship.

The bottom line is he knows at 48 he should be able to act how he pleases (within reason) as long as he’s a good parent for his daughter. But he’s struggling.

Why did the 1 year RS with the Jewish woman end?

He would have known what his parents views were explicitly and implicitly especially as his DB is in an interfaith RS.

So he knew that before he started with you. So did he just use you as a rebound / transition RS - to have some fun (all those calls sound a bit love-bomby - how did they make you feel deep down?) - I doubt he would have been able to have a short RS no strings attached within his own community.....

Maybe he was getting too attached and just used it as an excuse? Do you even know if his DPs even know about you?

I see it's over anyway op, I'm sorry, and I'm a bit late to the thread but I'll add my two penny worth anyway.

I'm the child of a similar relationship. My dads family weren't exactly strict orthodox but were aghast when he met my mum, a ten years younger, orphaned 'shiksa' who had no intention of converting. They refused to attend the wedding and didn't even meet my mum until I was born. I had a lovely relationship with my Jewish grandmother but she put my mum through hell in the early years. Anyway, my parents are deeply devoted 45 years later, and the family did eventually accept her (even if my own teens were spent being introduced to 'suitable' Jewish fellas to bring at least me back!) but only because my father dug his heels in so firmly.

I do understand their deep feeling to keep the culture and heritage alive, and I most certainly have a strong respect for that side of my heritage. I would still not myself get involved with a Jewish man unless I was 100% certain he was adamant my lack of faith was irrelevant to him. Or any other deeply entrenched religious / cultural background for that matter.

@Beansandcoffee I'm really glad if my post was helpful to you :) But please bear in mind I'm not Jewish and am only giving my own perspective as an outsider- you really need to listen to Jewish explanations of why people marrying out can be such a concern- if you'd like I'll link you to some I've found massively interesting and useful over time?

Anyway as my relative tells me all the time, two Jews means three opinions so you can never be sure you've found the definitive answer to any question!

My dh was told by his sister that he was a "bad as Hitler" for marrying out.

I told him that if one of my brothers had said something like that to me about him, I would never have spoken to them again.

Individuals should still be allowed their freedom. To follow their heart. Their dreams.

Op, I'm sorry this has happened to you but I think you would have been setting off down a long road of conflict had you got more involved with this bloke.

He was careless of your feelings and that really hurts. 😐

Oh, op, I'm so sorry for you and I'm also sorry for him (although much more for you, because he knew before he started this that there was a conflict coming and you didn't and that's just so unfair). It's really, really sad.

The previous g/f seemed to me a bit soon after his wife died. But then who am I to speak? His version is that the ex Gf had quite extreme views regarding politics /Brexit and he was getting bogged down and depressed with it all. She stockpiled food - and so did he, to an extent. I’m afraid I probably laughed at this . (Sorry to anyone stockpiling out there). Then he had a mini breakdown and is on medication and had counselling . All things that are to be fully expected and understood considering.

Perhaps a bit of love bombing - but he’s on his own a lot due to his current choice of lifestyle and career path - and likes to chat. So do I - and it worked.

I think if he couldn’t found a Jewish woman he would have - but he just wasn’t interested. His bottom line was I need to do what I want now.

I don’t know about how attached he was. I reckon he get pretty lovely soon though.

Thanks for your story limpletyice. Glad you have devoted parents - sounds gorgeous. But we are late 40’s.thiught we could make our own minds up .

He has massively wasted your time and emotions. He should never have dated you in the first place and allowed things to develop if this is such a big deal to him and/or he is unable to stand up to his parents. Really unfair on you.

I have first hand experience of this and understand your DPs thought process unlike many of those judging him on here. Not many will understand what his parents/ ancestors have been through which (wrongly) makes them behave a certain way. This is slowly improving for people like me (younger than you) but for his parents it is too late to change. What you could do is show you are prepared to embrace the religion (and no I don't mean convert before the shouting starts!) I mean show you can cook a Friday night dinner or read up on Passover and suggest doing the Sedar night (next year when you've been together longer) this will show his family that it is actually possible to combine two religions and that the world doesn't stop turning. They assume most don't care or wouldn't want to join in so prove them wrong slowly and you never know where you might get to.

In addition I don't mean that you are going to become Jewish, it's only like going to someone's house for Xmas dinner when you do not believe and no one sees anything wrong in that! It's called appreciating and respecting another religion.

I hope it works out for you, I really do

I adored my boyfriend's Jewish family and did the whole Friday night dinner every week and was invited to absolutely everything. Mind you - nobody was mentioning the M-word and I knew he would never marry me. Still, fantastic 2 year relationship and we had a great time!

His parents sound like a right pair of misery guts.

He sounds like hard work tbh - probably best to cut and run now! (Having a breakdown over brexit? Moping and distant and then calling it off because his parents don’t want him to be with you?) Fuck that!

Also, if this were someone from say, the Mormon or JW faith, we would be calling it cult-ish behaviour for the parents to essentially be saying “go with someone who is not of our faith and you will be disowned/disapproved of”. But because he is Jewish there seems to be a lot of “oh, you can understand it in the Jewish faith - it’s very intricate”.
I’d find it bloody offensive and send him on his merry way anyway. Hopefully he will just find a nice Jewish girl to please his parents eh? He has obviously been fed the doctrine that his Jewishness is above all else, even finding love and happiness, so let him jog on with that as I’m sure it would’ve presented many problems in your relationship anyway if he is that keen to please his parents.

His breakdown was as a result of his wife’s death catching up on him. Was bound to happen. I don’t think the g/f’s political issues was helping.

Agreed op. My dad was in his 30s and did make his own mind up, but I think it's hard to see just how enmeshed a lot of Jewish families are unless you are involved with one. Especially a widowed son with a child. I think my point was, gently, if he's not willing to push through that level of involvement, you're not enough for each other anyway.

I still dont understand how the brother got away with it?

I guess it’s how you handle the guiit. Obviously brother is more ‘robust’

Wait a minute...several engagements? How many exactly? And none of them lead to marriage?

I can't believe people are suggesting that you convert. After 4 months you'd be adopting a faith and culture you know little about and to me that would be too insincere and give your bf the upper hand. Are you sure you want Jewish traditions to suddenly dominate your family life with your daughters? Friday dinner, festivities (as wonderful as these may be) and so on, why should your dds have to bend over backwards to be part of a culture that is not theirs just to appease a family who refuse to even meet you?

Personally, I can understand the attraction to this man but he does sound like he is still in a vulnerable place and he needs to work out what he wants to do. He should really rather focus on parenting his dc and once he has worked out what he wants from a future relationship be honest with his situation to potential partners from the outset.

OP, I think you will get hurt if you stay any longer and I'd advise to leave amicably now before more negative experiences drag you down. Your first responsibility is to your dc so look after yourself and don't try to fix this guy, who really seems depressed.

I can def. see the potential for unhealthy long-term drama here. Quit it.

I am afraid jews tend to marry someone of their own faith and they are not really willing to convert to the faith of their spouse. Even the not particularly religious ones are like this.
He sounds a bit complicated with his past and all the issues surrounding him, plus a grown man should not be dictated by his parents who to marry.
Just like PopcornAcademic said he might still be in a vulnerable place so if I were you I would back off a bit and let him figure out what he wants.

Yes, well. It’s done now. Just licking the wounds.

Has this man ever had a successful relationship?
Lots of Gfs,
numerous engagements that fell apart,
an unhappy marriage?

The RS after his wife’s death failing is not a surprise but the issues around stockpiling etc sounds a bit dramatic.

Could there be a pattern of behaviours and he is the common denominator?

His marriage wasn’t happy - just beset by health problems from the start. Which I guess makes everything much more complicated and difficult

Had you been introduced to any of his friends or family (apart from the 2 guys)?

I'm Jewish and some of the comments here come from ignorance. First of all being Jewish goes way beyond religious beliefs. No, it's not that you convert to be of a certain "faith" you convert to what it's seen as line of families that started thousands of years ago. As my rabbi told me when my daughter was born (her dad is atheist) she'll always be a Jew, Jewish (as in a practicing one) might be not so certain, but there are plenty of atheist Jews!

I remarried, my DH at some point said he'd convert, he won't in the end but he knows our children are Jewish. We celebrate Friday night religiously and he has embraced it all. He still can't understand how you can be an atheist and a Jew and has some other issues, but as we'd way B'H he might one day see the light.

I'm sorry things didn't work out. Families are the centre of our lives and that's why it's so hard not to separate what are parents think of our lives (including who we choose to marry/date).
I think it's vital to understand that it's not anther of faith but rather more of becoming part of the family, after all we see all of us as distant cousins!

Wasn’t ‘unhappy’