He’s Jewish . I’m not.

[Upyerbum70]

Good afternoon. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here - please be gentle. Sorry if it’s long.

I’m 49 with 2 x DDs. Met b/f on a dating app (nice story behind it too). It’s only been a 3 or 4 months so I appreciate its not a long time to be together. He’s 48 with 1 x DD. He nursed his wife for a good few years before she passed away.

Just recently His parents have started putting pressure on him to find a person within his own faith to be with. I take on board This is his situation to navigate.but He’s stuck in the middle and it’s making him miserable and poorly with worry. It’s hard to watch.

My question is - what I should do?
Options: Walk away? Make the decision easier for him.
Stay- and keep at a respectful distance /stance - I. E . Keep my mouth shut (as he’s getting it in the neck from one side)
Stay - and be vocally supportive and try to let him know I’m here for him and he should be able to choose - esp after such an awful few years.

I’m a bit confused by the whole situation and his messages are a muddled to be honest. I know he likes me a lot. We laugh and have lots of contact, intimacy and a good friendship.

The bottom line is he knows at 48 he should be able to act how he pleases (within reason) as long as he’s a good parent for his daughter. But he’s struggling.

How come his brother gets away without this shit?

As a Jew (fwiw) this may be more about their sorrow over his former wife. Otherwise I agree with If he can't stand up to them now he probably never will.

He is miserable and poorly with worry.
You're hurt, unsettled and it sounds like you're just waiting for the dumping.
After 3 or 4 months I'd end it.
His parents are all but forcing him to pick them over you. If he's still not able to stand up to them at 48, I'd cut my losses.

His parents need to keep their nose out and he needs to stand up to them, he's 48 ffs.
I say that as a non Jew married to a Jew with lovely Jewish parents.

Does he do what his parents say?
Surely less pressure not to marry out for a 2nd marriage!

about much more than standing up to one's parents, there's a huge legacy behind it about the continuation of Judaism, there is possible alienation from your community if they are going to be arseholes about it and so on.

In my case this was understood and talked about but it was a barrier to our continuing relationship. Converting to Judaism was not on the cards, not only because we weren't at that stage of our relationship but I am staunchly non-religious. It can be very complex and I suppose it depends on the nature of one's relationship whether/what compromises are made on either side.

Well - I’ve convinced myself he’s going to end things with me tonight anyway as his contact has been limited today . I guess I’ll just take the dumping serenely and say ‘ok’. 🤨

Lots of cultures, protected characteristics and religious groups have gone through awful times of persecution and genocode - i don't see how that's relevant to a 48 year old man freely choosing a non-reproductive relationship with a non-jewish woman. There's no coercion involved. The link is tenuous at best.

Rufflecrow - I agree but it’s more complex than that. My family is very typical, with Holocaust survivors, children that have made their way to the UK on their own, and very recent persecution. I understand why my own DPs felt that if I married a non-Jewish man, that it would have all been for nothing as the religion would not be carried on through the generations. However, I’m soon to be single, and I know that second time around they probably will realise their mistakes, won’t be as fussy and would just want me to be happy.

Sorry to hear that raisins

Why didn't you answer all of the posters who asked which branch of Judaism he's affiliated to?

(FWIW I'm a Jewish woman married to a non-Jewish man)

I'd back right off and tell him that he needs to figure out what is right for him.

I've felt at times that my bf and I are from two different worlds and sometimes i'm wondering if I should end it and somehow he always intuitively backs off a bit whenever I have these thoughts. Then I end up having a bit of space and go back to him relieved. YKWIM.

Not saying this is foolproof. But go ''away''. Let him miss you. Don't hover around nervously waiting to be dumped.

scarlett I genuinely don’t know as he talks so much about the areas of his life - the specifics never came up

He called and finished things earlier anyway. It’s just ridiculous.

Do the best solution of all.

Become a magai.

Wonderful intelligent religion [that is the foundation of our philosophies and laws]. Wonderful family values. Wonderful community.

If he is a lovely bloke, do it!

Sorry to hear that. Have a clean break though. His inability to stand up for himself is up to him to deal with. If he gets back in contact, don't let him use you as an emotional crutch. Lick your wounds for a bit and then get back out there. 💐

I am so sorry, your update is hard

Oh I'm really sorry Upyer. Interested because dh was Jewish and I'm not. However I'm also a widow - and 2 years post bereavement. I would personally say it's still quite early days for him even if he doesn't think so. I hope you recover rapidly and find someone who wants exactly you.

I’m just sad he didn’t have more fight in him. This issue has only been brought to my attention this past week. I spent Saturday night there and yesterday morning we had a rather lovely long lie in. Flabbergasted. But there you go. People are strange.

Oh no, sorry to hear that upyerbum70

I know it hurts right now but you deserve somebody who is CERTAIN about you. No grown man who finds the right person lets his Mum put him off only four months in. He wasn't certain enough and that is not what you want. I read somewhere that it should be HELL YES or fuck no. I have wasted so much time in my younger years on men who were just passing time.

Wow that is quick. Very confusing alright.

Seriously - at the age we are - I think
We both felt quite lucky to have found someone we clicked with. He certainly persued me. He FaceTimes me half a dozen times a day - he’s going to miss that ! Perhaps a good dose of loneliness will make him reevaluate. I don’t mean to sound bitter. Just a bit 🙁

Sorry to hear that

That wee bit of bitterness will save you from doing the pick me dance. Leave him to deal with his parents influence. You supported him during your relationship, but as that's over, don't let him rely on you for support anymore.

Cheers - little bit hard to keep my chin up but it’s got to be done.There’ll be no ‘pick me dance’ bollocks. Been there done that years ago. Hopefully he’ll sit in his own lonely pit of despair and regret and realise his mistake. But I’m pretty au fait with no contact.