He’s Jewish . I’m not.

[Upyerbum70]

Good afternoon. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here - please be gentle. Sorry if it’s long.

I’m 49 with 2 x DDs. Met b/f on a dating app (nice story behind it too). It’s only been a 3 or 4 months so I appreciate its not a long time to be together. He’s 48 with 1 x DD. He nursed his wife for a good few years before she passed away.

Just recently His parents have started putting pressure on him to find a person within his own faith to be with. I take on board This is his situation to navigate.but He’s stuck in the middle and it’s making him miserable and poorly with worry. It’s hard to watch.

My question is - what I should do?
Options: Walk away? Make the decision easier for him.
Stay- and keep at a respectful distance /stance - I. E . Keep my mouth shut (as he’s getting it in the neck from one side)
Stay - and be vocally supportive and try to let him know I’m here for him and he should be able to choose - esp after such an awful few years.

I’m a bit confused by the whole situation and his messages are a muddled to be honest. I know he likes me a lot. We laugh and have lots of contact, intimacy and a good friendship.

The bottom line is he knows at 48 he should be able to act how he pleases (within reason) as long as he’s a good parent for his daughter. But he’s struggling.

Sounds like a cop out tbh. He needed an excuse to finish things.

To me...there's something not right with someone who has already had a 1 year long relationship plus another one of a few months, when it's only been 2 years since their wife died.

Something lacking in him.

You're better off out of it.

Yeh, if he still felt connected enough to you to communicate easily several times a day, I would be on the serious look out for him coming back to you soon, with some let's be friends nonsense and then, friends with blurry boundaries ie sex but because he's re-labelled you as friends, seeing no need to observe the normal boundaries between a friendship and a relationship.

He was never off the blasted phone! Seriously.

But There’ll be none of that ‘friends’ shit. Yes I’ll miss him, obviously, but I won’t be crumbling. I have some self respect.

Good for you. Onwards and upwards.

His parents are deeply unhappy with his choice?

Crikey. This won't get better.

He either needs to tell them firmly to mind their own business or he will buckle down to their preferences.

I married a Jewish man. His parents seemed to think they had a say over everything in our lives. He was scared to say anything. I had two blazing rows with them where I told them to buzz off with their interference.

It got better but I always had to make sure the boundaries were observed.

Annoying that dh didn't have the balls to do it.

Will this man?

You'll just get pissed off all the time if he doesn't stand up to them.

Sorry OP. Maybe he will realise. As cliche as it sounds at least you know the spark and clock is still possible. If he won't fight for you, then he isn't for you.

As you are au fait with no contact - you know the drill. Chin up Queen - you don't want your crown to slip xx

That’s hard op. I would want my children to have jewish partners especially if there were young children involved. I wouldn’t cut them off but it’s what I would want.

You had a lucky escape OP.
He chose religion over love - in fact he's spent his whole life happy to let religion do the dictating and making decisons for him.

Plus he hasn't cut the apron strings - at age 48!

His loss.

Terrible that this kind of discrimination goes on. Who cares what religion someone is as long as their morals and values are good. I wouldn’t dream of saying to my children they couldn’t marry a non CofE.

So sorry to hear that op. Hope you're feeling ok-ish.
It's a shame how religion can get in the way of who people are. Perhaps it was actually him who realised when push came to shove he wasnt able to take a further step?
Well at least you know where you are now.
Start today with a clean slate (and some fury!). Forwards is the only way. FWIW there are some lovely Jewish men out there, dont be put off of them all.

Thanks. Yes I’m thinking he obviously wasn’t steely enough to grit his teeth and find some backbone. And that’s because I wasn’t really worth the stress. Easier to let go and go with the parental view. Which hurts a bit - I’d rather he hadn’t wasted my time. It messes with my head when I think what lovely times we had and they were fake? Questions start to creep in, which I’ll need to bash on the head otherwise I’ll drive myself nuts.

Can’t help but think that all the Holocaust publicity, that was going on yesterday, brought the issue to the fore.

You meet someone- you click and laugh and match yourselves in bed (which is rare for me ). I just can’t go back to the frigging dating apps.

@Beansandcoffee
I wouldn’t dream of saying to my children they couldn’t marry a non CofE.

I'm sorry but it's really not the same thing at all and that gap in understanding is one of the reasons that some Jewish people still feel this way.

I'm a Jew married to a Welshman who was raised Methodist so I don't feel that way personally,but there is a lot more to being Jewish than simply what synagogue you may or may not attend.

He shouldn’t really have forayed into non Jewish girlfriend territory in the first place. I felt I was understanding and interested in his faith and it genuinely never cropped up as an issue between us. It’s a shock really.

@ScarlettBlaize - please explain what understanding I am missing and why it is ok for a Jewish parent to say that and not me to my kids? I clearly don’t understand.

Yes, if he only wanted a relationship with someone jewish, for his own reasons or to please his parents (!), it was shit of him to date you.

Sorry he behaved like that. Avoid him completely if he gets back in touch.

@Beansandcoffee I don't feel like you're asking that question in a genuine way. I feel that your posts are motivated by dislike and hostility and I don't really want to get involved with that. Sorry

A close family member by marriage is Jewish and she had to make a very clear choice between the family and community she loves and is proud of, and her gentile husband who she loves and is proud of. Her family really struggle with it- not so much that her husband isn't Jewish but that she has stepped out of the community and culture and customs, if that makes sense. Her family feel she flat out rejected them, their identity, their heritage, their way of life, their culture and customs, that any children she has will be lost to Judaism (yes, technically Jewish as born to a Jewish mother, but won't be raised as Jews, won't be part of the community, won't have bris and bar mitzvah, will be far more familiar with the norms and routines of gentile life than those of Jewish life)...

I imagine for a Jewish adult who already had children and many years of being an adult member of the community the choice would be even more stark and difficult.

This must be really painful for you and whilst I can see why he has made the choice he has I think you're right, he shouldn't have started this with you in the first place. That's not fair on you at all.

I think he'll be back in 3 mths...

icannotremember The opposite maybe -From the little he did say last week - I think he felt he’d done all that was ‘expected’ of him : Jewish wife, Jewish daughter etc. And after years of nursing her before she passed, he felt perhaps he could have an opportunity to catch some happiness and warmth and intimacy for a change. Regardless of faith etc.

And apologies for keeping this post alive but I’m on my own in the house before my late shift - no one to share with.

Thank you @icannotremember for explaining the reasons.

Scarletblaize - I’m not going to apologise for asking a reasonable question. Your reply is inflammatory.

@scarlettblaize

I do see exactly where you're coming from but at the same time many other of a more 'tolerant' faith also want to keep their customs and way of life but aren't allowed to because of the fear of being publicly pilloried if they say so. I honestly feel if we're to have true integration then this needs to be a two way street. One way will never work and will always foster anger.

I talked to my husband (who is Jewish and I’m not) about this thread last night.

Your last post above @Upyerbum70 about “he shouldn’t have even gone there” is very much what hubs said.
That the issue is a matter of cultural taboo and it either matters to you enough to actually adhere to it (in which case no non-Jewish dating to start with) or it’s totally irrelevant nonsense to you and you stand up to your parents on it and date whoever you want.

He found it odd this guy would get involved then change his mind. Gently put; he thought the man was just making excuses to call it off. 💐

He’s slways had no. H

Oops crap fingers.

He’d always had non Jewish g/friends. So it’s not new. He’s pretty cosmopolitan. He was pretty keen to get married and have kids.several engagements. This is back in his 20’s/30’s. One was in the process of converting but ‘it fell apart’. I don’t think he was truly honest with me about this - I’m guessing it was a bloody minefied - without being rude I suspect his parents were heavily involved. So then he met his late wife. But it wasn’t without its issues and problems- like all relationships. Thanks for your husbands view sirchompsalot. I don’t know any other Jewish folk - but like I said, I’m totally open.