He’s Jewish . I’m not.

[Upyerbum70]

Good afternoon. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here - please be gentle. Sorry if it’s long.

I’m 49 with 2 x DDs. Met b/f on a dating app (nice story behind it too). It’s only been a 3 or 4 months so I appreciate its not a long time to be together. He’s 48 with 1 x DD. He nursed his wife for a good few years before she passed away.

Just recently His parents have started putting pressure on him to find a person within his own faith to be with. I take on board This is his situation to navigate.but He’s stuck in the middle and it’s making him miserable and poorly with worry. It’s hard to watch.

My question is - what I should do?
Options: Walk away? Make the decision easier for him.
Stay- and keep at a respectful distance /stance - I. E . Keep my mouth shut (as he’s getting it in the neck from one side)
Stay - and be vocally supportive and try to let him know I’m here for him and he should be able to choose - esp after such an awful few years.

I’m a bit confused by the whole situation and his messages are a muddled to be honest. I know he likes me a lot. We laugh and have lots of contact, intimacy and a good friendship.

The bottom line is he knows at 48 he should be able to act how he pleases (within reason) as long as he’s a good parent for his daughter. But he’s struggling.

@PopcornAcademic

You’ve taken that sentence of of context and entirely misconstrued where I’m coming from.

I said;
“I don’t doubt there are some who genuinely do look down on non-Jews, but you get abhorrent and racist people in every type of community.”

I definiteky didn’t say I thought that about the OP’s BF’s parents or the granny in the other example.

I do not think you can pick and choose when discriminatory, prejudice or racist behaviour is abhorrent. It either is or it isn't. It can be one rule for one and one rule for another.

I hope you are ok OP. There is someone out there whose family will be eager to get to know you for you.

Cheers - 2 days of radio silence. Just been getting on with life.

My last b/f had such a warm, welcoming, eccentric (but lovely) and funny family. So generous too. They were a joy to be around and I missed them when I ended that relationship - though I am still in touch with one family member. So I know I don’t have two heads.

Sorry that was meant to say "it can't be one rule for one and one rule for another".
OP sometimes the silence is golden and gives us all the answers we need

I had a lovely Jewish boyfriend In My 20s, kind, loving.
Although not Jewish I loved Judaism and had already started conversion and loads of Jewish friends one of which introduced us.
However his father would not countenance even a converted Jewish partner. For him being Jewish was a race not a religion - most religious Jews do accept conversion completely as the mother of King David, Ruth was a convert.
I waited nearly 3 years for him before I had to walk away.
He knew what his dad thought so I don't know really why he put us both through it.
I loved him and hoped we'd be able to work it out.
His family never knew I existed!

Having said that I totally understand the issues some Jews have around Jewish continuity. It's a complex situation and one which gentiles can't really comprehend.

- it’s only raised its head this week - not sure why.

OP, you said this and referred to all the holocaust publicity. Are you sure you treated the holocaust memorial Day with the respect it deserved? Could he have found this offensive?

I'm not Jewish, but if I was I would want my partner to be sensitive and involved.

@addictedtoloveisland

I do not think you can pick and choose when discriminatory, prejudice or racist behaviour is abhorrent. It either is or it isn't. It can be one rule for one and one rule for another.

It's not about rules Imo it's about context, sensitivity and awareness as ell as social- and emotional intelligence.

andthentherewereseven he has an event last Saturday night that he didn’t really want to attend. A big fancy doo. His mum was having his daughter overnight so he could go- but we also planned to spend the night together. I wasn’t invited to his event. I had a friends birthday drinks to go to. We agreed to meet afterwards at his house. At some point last week he related a cinversation that he’d had with his mum - something like “I don’t want to go to this event, I feel lonely, fish out of water and all people can think to talk about is my late wife”. His mother’s response was “go, you might meet someone”. Then he repeated this story back to me - and I say but you already have met someone. It was only at this point (last week ish) did it dawn on me that his parents weren’t happy with our set up. They’ve known about me since the start. So he goes to the event. Does the right thing.

Comes home and I go to his house and spend the night. Bit of a chat late night - he looked like he was literally carrying the weight of the works on his shoulders. Looked dreadful if I’m honest. I was being gentle around the topic of “what do we do now?” , I just let him talk. And his reply was “one day at a time”.

Sunday morning - lots of sex . Breakfast and I left. Arranged to see each other on Friday. There was never any discussion about the following day - Monday - and the Memorial Day. Monday - His daughter was at a choral event and I asked how this went. I was at an away day with work - he was a bit distant and short with his texts but says we’d talk later. Then that was the end. Apologies for the length but I was reflecting on whether I’d been insensitive or disrespectful.

in The past he’s given me the heads up when there’s been a religious / cultural event and he’d gone along vaguely begrudgingly.

I've read this entire thread and I'm sorry he's put you through this. I've witnessed very similar futile relationship's amongst my Asian friends. They always start off as "oh I'm not looking for anything serious, so our differences won't matter". And then emotions develop and the differences that didn't matter (take your pick from religion/culture/cast) now matter.

At 48 he's old enough to know what he wants, I don't believe for one minute that this is solely his parents wants, this is what he wants as well.

He hasn't met a Jewish woman yet so while he's waiting, he'll casually date a non-jew. In theory there's nothing wrong with his approach, he can casually date who ever he wants, but he should be more honest so that women know where they stand.

Anyway, forget him you deserve better.

Come and join us on this thread until you're ready to go back to dating:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3789560-The-Happy-Singleton-All-welcome?pg=1&order=

Sorry to read this OP. I was in a similar situation. (different faith though)

I was in so deep when he admitted it would never be long term. It was a complete blow. He still pops up now and again because he had to marry someone he didn't love as much which makes it harder

It is such a minefield though. I just do not understand these parents that would rather their child were unhappy with someone of the same faith, than with someone they genuinely loved

@PopcornAcademic with all due respect, as I said, you cannot pick and choose whatever the reason/excuse (this is what I meant when I said "rules"), it either is or isnt. I simply do not think because one persons experience may be worse than another's it then becomes a more valid reason for discrimination! That said, just because I feel someone is prejudice/discriminatory/racist does not mean that I will berate them/be horrible to them/be rude/disrespectful. I can however know who and what they are and acknowledge that WITHOUT bullet pointing the reasons why just to make myself and everyone else feel better or ok about it. I disagree with lots of things that go on and manage (just about - lol) to maintain composure.

I hasten to add, there are plenty of things that many MANY people do not even notice or see as discriminatory (regardless of context) that I do because I am of mixed heritage. What may be a good enough reason for someone because of their background or heritage simply may not fly with the person on the receiving end. I am by no means saying anyone on this thread is ignorant, I do not know any of you (I don't think I do anyway!), but often times there just isn't an excuse. Just spare a thought that it gets very wearing when people make excuses or minimise things to those who are on the receiving end of discriminatory/racist/prejudice behaviour and ignorance.

IMO - and most of those who are active within the equal rights sector will probably agree - if one isn't totally pro-equality then one is part of the problem. And please - before anyone clicks the "report" button, this post is not directed to anyone on this thread or meant to be goading in any way. I am simply aiming to educate based on my experiences as a mixed heritage woman who grew up both in the US and the UK. Regardless of the reasons why, I think the OP has been subjected to terrible treatment and I am sure if she was a family member or close personal friend of one of ours we would be heartbroken for her that she has been the recipient of this type of behaviour.

@EachandEveryone
@NurseButtercup yes this type of thing is often seen in Asian communities and also Arab communities (I am also talking about Christian Arabs and Asians as well not just the Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims). I am a mix of Arab and Asian so I have seen it first hand and have definitely made my feelings known!

I guess it highlights my naivety. He assured me early on that he was intent on finding happiness and someone to be with regardless of culture/religion etc. Especially after all the heartache he’d had over a number of years. His last (Jewish) g/f didn’t have children and he felt being with someone who has got children would be better. That was his criteria, if you like. Which is where I came in. Thought it was going somewhere - nicely pootling along, calm and friendly. But i guess I was just a shag. Doh

Maybe he wasn't just shagging, but he was kidding himself.

I’m Jewish and widowed. He has had a Jewish wife, he has a Jewish child. He needs to grow a pair. I kind of get it if kids were on the horizon but this is ridiculous. He can’t be in his 40’s and being influenced by his parents.

I’ve done the Jewish husband bit, if I meet someone else then I couldn’t give monkeys About their religion and my parents can take a running jump if they object after anything I’ve been through

bluedog your whole post is pretty much what he said to me when we first met. But I guess, in reality, the pressure and hassle wasn’t worth it.

I really am so sorry this has happened. I don't think you were just a shag as I highly doubt he would have constantly been on the phone etc.
Try not to let your mind run away with you and say things like "I was just a shag" etc. I know it is hard because our minds play tricks on us at vulnerable times etc.

We are all here for you if you need to vent.

upyerbum70 I actually don’t think my parents would say a word now. They would have done 20 years ago.

I wonder if it’s less his parents but more him struggling with it and he’s using it as a bit of an excuse?

I think @Bluedogyellowcat is correct and it is him struggling with it.He probably went to the "event" and felt even more pressure, I think he has felt himself falling for you but is not emotionally ready or fit to commit and is not strong to overcome any opposition that might arise.

His parents were definitely on the phone a lot (waaaaaay too much if you ask me) and I know his mum was upset . But it’s how you let it affect you. I felt he wasn’t that robust and their opinion weighed heavily on him. Though I did see him go against some of their suggestions recently. So, he could go it, if he wished. But he didn’t.

How are you doing OP?

Some Jewish families do not like this. If so, YOUR life will be terrible. Be really careful. How will you even prepare Shabbat every Friday? They will constantly make it a choice between your and them.

I would be concerned about a relationship with a man who worried so much about what his parents thought. I understand that their faith is a big thing to many people, but I would have more respect for those who wanted their child to be with someone who makes them happy, even if of another faith. I don't think this will go anywhere to be honest.

addicted thank you for asking. I was just lying in bed feeling sorry for myself so your post made me well up a bit. Doh.

This time last week we woke up together and had really delicious interesting sex. I might be 49 but my hormones are still raging and sex was pretty great between us - especially as time goes on and you grow closer and relax and enjoy more. We fell asleep then woke and had more sex. Showered together, breakfast then he kissed me goodbye at my car window. Everything as normal. Even arranged meet on Friday.

No contact since his phonecall on Monday night. A missed FaceTime call on Friday -I sent a brief message to say I was at an event, he said it was a pocket call. Nothing further. He must have called me a zillion times over the last 4 months, never once did he pocket call. Anyway.

I don’t know about any one else but I feel like I’ve given a bit of my trust and friendship to him and hes abused it. I hate feeling duped as I’m pretty careful who I choose to get into bed with. It takes me an age to recover.

Generally f’cked off that I didn’t see this coming but I’ve never encountered this scenario before.

I have been thinking about your post loads as it doesn’t make sense that a non religious Jewish man in his 40’s who doesn’t plan to have more children should have such an issue with a non Jewish partner and for his parents to get so involved.

My theory is that it’s about his daughter and that this is what is bothering him

I wonder if his mother’s issue is if the 2 of you stay together what impact your not being Jewish will have on his daighter and that she will lose the practice and traditions with his mother believing that practice at home is driven by the woman in the house

I know if I married or lived with a non Jewish partner our practice would remain the same - Friday night, Passover, barmitzvah and I would expect a partner to support that but because I’m the mother and it’s instinctive to my life it would just happen even if I also embraced a partners traditions which I would

I imagine his mother has worked herself into a state that the daughter might miss out on that practice in the home. Not suggesting that is the case at all, I’m thinking along Jewish grandma lines.

From what you’ve said, it sounds like the daughter is at a Jewish primary school so she has that exposure. Parents at the school won’t care if dad has a Jewish partner or not but I’ll lay money grandma is having a panic and planted seed in her sons mind

I wouldn’t say he’s non- Jewish but he did keep it fairly seperate, low key and in the background. Maybe he was compartmentalising.

Yes - otherwise I’m pretty sure you’re correct. We only had a couple of brief recent conversations where he vaguely introduced this issue. (Obviously it was playing on his mind but he didn’t exactly share the enormity of it). The grandma was indeed mentioning his daughter - he needed to “set a good example” etc. Which - by the way - immediately made me feel like a “bad example” but that’s by the by. Daughter attends a Jewish primary school as that was her late mother’s wishes but he’s decided she’ll go to the local
Comprehensive round the corner next year. This has made grandma anxious that she’ll lose Jewish friends and “assimilate”.

Friday night dinner was always at grandmas. I expect it always will be.id have been pleased to be invited but equally fine with being in my own home with my children otherwise. I took it as a ‘one step at a time’ situation -after all it was relatively early days. I felt like grandma panicking and flapping has def sowed the seed of doubt. I’m just sad that he couldn’t stay grounded and reassure her that actually We might enhance each other’s lives -rather than the opposite.

And yes, I though I’d have heard from
Him by now. Tut.