Should I be worried

[jasminfh]

I’ve been with my DH for 20 years, we have two children.
He has many female friends and is generally a tactile, friendly guy. I’ve been a bit suspicious of two of these friendships and looked on his phone. One is a woman he has known for over 30 years and who he swears is just a friend and that nothing has ever happened between then. He’s been hiding his phone from me so when I got an opportunity I had a look. They have been exacting messages for over a year and have definitely been more than friends in the distant past. They have sent each other photos, talked about me and her husband, talked about the past and what they want to do now. I know he can’t have actually seen her, she lives far away and he hasn’t been anywhere without me but this isn’t right, is it? They talk about dtd, their fantasies but also everyday stuff too. He’s being unfaithful isn’t he?

You’ve absolutely done the right thing! I hope her DH appreciates what you’ve done - almost everyone would want the truth! You’re an inspiration OP. And I’m so sorry for the pain this has brought.

Very dodgy. My friend is married to a relative who had a 'friend' like this. They have a wide circle of friends and he has plenty of friends that are female, and his wife never felt threatened. This one woman though...

Identical story, they started texting as friends, it got sexual then it got physically sexual. Wife devastated and he's wandering around with a fuckwit bewildered expression like he has no idea how he ended up dick-first in another woman.

He thinks he can get away with fucking her right under your nose. He thinks if he can hide the assignation well, he can just declare you mad and brazen it out. Just remind yourself you don't HAVE to have a reason like physical infidelity to end the marriage. The sexting is enough. His dismissal of your feelings about her is enough.

Yes Halestorm. Fir me the dismissal of OP's feelings is the total deal breaker.

He could have navigated this. Together with OP. He could have said omg yes ffs it got totally out of hand and yes please have my phone, I'm never contacting her again. He could have said ok yes I'm so sorry and let's text or call her together and I will tell her this isn't fair and goodbye. Or he could even have just ghosted her.

But he didn't. He locked his phone. He tried to negotiate for open contact. And he was mean to OP for being upset.

I'm afraid he's another statistic.

But I'm so sorry OP that you're having to go through this horrid thing. Because it is just that. Horrid.

Please please look after yourself, love yourself. Hold on to yourself. You've done the right thing.

Jasmin, I’ve been thinking of you today. I know that you are devastated. Your husband brought OW into your marriage and sex life, and is happy to run roughshod over your feelings and boundaries. You are empowering yourself by refusing to tolerate his deceitful and contemptuous behavior.

Sending you strength.

Well done, OP.

Hope you're ok, Jasmin. Xx

Hope you are ok

Sending support, Jasmin.

Thank you all you kind supportive people. It’s sheer hell. DH still adamant they are just friends and that they’re harming no one with their messages and is denying an affair. The husband has replied to my messages saying he suspected it was going on and that he thinks it’s been at least 2 years if not longer but that he won’t say anything this weekend as they have a big family celebration. My DH doesn’t know I’ve sent them yet so the shit will hit the fan sometime this week. I’m being as calm as I can, just playing the long game. I’m going to the solicitor on Monday.

OP - if her DH also has suspicions- then there really is no doubt that what has been going on is cheating. If he suspects then it will be because it’s impacted on his marriage too.
I’m afraid some people will deny deny deny until it’s utterly futile. So be prepared for more gaslighting-that you’re crazy, paranoid, invading privacy, throwing everything away for nothing etc etc.
Once the OW is having to make the same arguments - and you and her DH piece things together and it becomes clear to all, there may be some realisation on their part that the bubble has burst.
All strength to you OP 💐

Well, he certainly is fighting for their relationship.

Jasmin, is he actually claiming that their exchange of nude photos is appropriate? Is he saying that he wouldn’t mind your doing the same?

As for it not hurting anyone, his wife is devastated, but he couldn’t care less.

Also, did you pack his bags and tell him to leave?

Should you be worried ? Even asking that raises a red flag....yes, you should be worried then !

Stay strong op

Yes the denying is almost funny. After the most seismic, catastrophic coming out of it all (massive repercussions for all), years later now he will say 'what do you mean that happened? How do you know that? I never did anything. You are mentally ill.' !

I think you need to pace yourself and just give yourself a breather with all of this. It's so intense, I know. Maybe just try to switch off from it and don't talk to him about it today.

The denial is always a protective move - to protect him, or her, or both.

I don't see why you should get the extra aggro from having told her DH. Talk to him and ask him to say he found the messages independently. That you weren't involved. Because anyhow he has had his independent suspicions.

Let him confront her but not involve you. Far better. Don't muddle the water with you having tipped him off, because they'll attack that to deflect from the real issue here.

Don't bloody tell them that you and her DH have communicated at all. Let that be YOUR private conversation.

Denial may also be to protect you. :( But protecting you would really be never talking to her again.

He doesn't seem realise this is all unravelling, due to his selfishness.

I hope she was worth it! You're stronger than you think OP.

Stay strong op sending explicit messages and pictures is not just friends when you are married
He will deny and gaslight you rather than admit it’s wrong I do wonder if he will change his mind when the ow husband confronts her

Good luck at the solicitors

Keep angry, he is going to continue to deny and deny 🤬

Good for you OP. Don't believe the blatant crap he is saying. Sending intimate photos and fantasies but they are just mates? Absolute lies.
I expect the next step for him will be begging you not to show the messages to any of your friends and family as it will blow his nice little family man image to pieces.

Throw him under the bus, metaphorically speaking.

If I sent nude photos to anyone I can guarantee my life would be on the lawn by the time I get home.

Oh my goodness OP what a pair of utter shits. well done for handling this so well

Wallywobbles hopefully also with a flea in your ear!