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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried

259 replies

jasminfh · 27/01/2020 16:13

I’ve been with my DH for 20 years, we have two children.
He has many female friends and is generally a tactile, friendly guy. I’ve been a bit suspicious of two of these friendships and looked on his phone. One is a woman he has known for over 30 years and who he swears is just a friend and that nothing has ever happened between then. He’s been hiding his phone from me so when I got an opportunity I had a look. They have been exacting messages for over a year and have definitely been more than friends in the distant past. They have sent each other photos, talked about me and her husband, talked about the past and what they want to do now. I know he can’t have actually seen her, she lives far away and he hasn’t been anywhere without me but this isn’t right, is it? They talk about dtd, their fantasies but also everyday stuff too. He’s being unfaithful isn’t he?

OP posts:
Marshmello · 30/01/2020 11:13

Well done OP through all of this.

I know you don't feel up to checking the messages, but I think you should force yourself to see if you can still access them. If you can, their exchange at this point will tell you a lot.

I regret myself having deleted or not copied things that upset me, as I was red to forget them. I would have helped me now that I'm in a better place, if not least to validate how I felt and the situation I was in.

I suggest you check and take photos of the messages.

Greenkit · 30/01/2020 11:16

He is having an EA and wants "permission" to sleep with her, hence the can I go and meet her.

Tell him to take a few personal items and what he will need for a few nights and you will send the rest on later.

Then see a solicitor

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 13:24

@TheReef

Excellent idea

mamato3lads · 30/01/2020 17:38

How are you OP? Been thinking of you, hope you're alright Flowers

MsDogLady · 30/01/2020 18:38

He is giving you the silent treatment? He appears to have no empathy for you or respect for your marriage. He feels entitled to blank you to make you back off, so he can proceed with his wrongdoing..

In light of his continued presence and refusal to engage, I would send a message: ‘You are having an affair with OW, which includes constant messaging, sexting, the exchange of explicit photos, and plans to meet. I am not prepared to sit idly by while you thumb your nose at fidelity and refuse to communicate. Therefore, I am making plans accordingly to protect myself and the children. I will be meeting with a solicitor next week to discuss my options.’ Or perhaps message him after your appointment.

Also, I would contact OW’s husband very soon. He deserves to gain the same knowledge regarding his marriage as you have.

Original poster
jasminfh · 30/01/2020 19:15

Just wanted to say I’ve been reading all of your comments and thank you for your support. I’m not ignoring you and will update later or possibly tomorrow. It’s been moving faster than I thought today and I need a bit of space to think.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 30/01/2020 19:56

You are not a soap opera, take all the time you need

GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/01/2020 20:01

Yeah don't feel like you need to update us. We're here to support you if you need us. That's all x

Marshmello · 30/01/2020 22:40

Just sending you strength - take the support and don't reply until you feel like it. This is a testing moment - just get through it xxxx

Original poster
jasminfh · 30/01/2020 22:47

Thank you. Writing here helps me to process I think. I can no longer access his messages he haschanged his password. He is talking to me though and still saying there is no harm meant by the messages they exchange, i said they make me unhappy and he said that he can have female friends if he wants. I asked him if he was going to meet her to carry out his fantasies and he said again they are just friends. I said I was going to have a chat with her husband and show him some of the messages and got told I’m losing the plot. I will send the messages to her husband tomorrow and will be packing his bags tomorrow while he’s at work. I’ve taken the day off to get some other stuff sorted too. He’s told me he loves me and wants to be with me but wants her friendship too. I’m angry now and don’t believe anything he says.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 30/01/2020 23:43

Good for you x

He wants her, but the wifey too

He can't have both

MsDogLady · 31/01/2020 02:13

So he intends for you to share him with his affair partner...I mean ‘friend’?

It’s good that you have found your anger, jasmin. He is taking you for the biggest mug in the universe by expecting you to fall for his con job.

He thought he had it made, but you rumbled him. Now he is minimizing and gaslighting for damage control. Accusing you of losing the plot is ludicrous. He knows very well that the sex talk and nude photos are massively inappropriate. Haven’t they previously messaged that they “shouldn’t be doing this”?

And yes, he is going to have sex with OW, spinning his ‘friendship’ line all the way.

Your plan sounds just right. Kick the greedy, entitled loser out. Keep your appointment with the solicitor.

Definitely contact OW’s husband ASAP. Do you have his work phone number or work email? She might intercept anything else.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 31/01/2020 05:38

He wouldn't be changing passwords if he believes it was normal.
He wouldn't be saying you're losing the plot for wanting to contact her husband.

I can't believe he hasn't just admitted his faults and either said "yep I want to shag her" or "I crossed a line and I'm sorry."

abracadabra1234 · 31/01/2020 06:00

Omg I would throw the perverted twat out . He's done all his op! He knew it was wrong and that's why he was ignoring you and saying your losing the plot . I would 100 percent leave him . She won't leave her husband for him . If he thinks that he's deluded just like he wouldn't leave you for him. . I'd give him a taste of his own medicine by leaving him and then he will realise what he's done because he will be alone and lost everything due to thinking with his cock 🤢 I hate men x

Littlewelshridinghood · 31/01/2020 06:23

How can stand there and say to your face that the messages are just friendly knowing exactly what he's written to her. Definitely send those over to the husband and pack his bags. My relationship with my DP would be done and dusted too if I found he was sending suggestive messages to other women.

Robin2323 · 31/01/2020 06:26

Oh you poor love.

He's the one losing the plot.

Thanks

Sadly this is more common than anyone would believe.

I am now very wary about men having female friends.

Yes in theory but when a marriage hits a rough patch - and most do at some point , do you really want them sharing their woes with the hottie from the gym/ office / running club?

It puts your marriage in a very vulnerable position.

Nothing wrong with affair proofing your marriage.

One couple were having counselling and the wife said:

'If I was doing something that was hurting you and you told me ti stop I would stop.

You have continued contacted with this 'female friend ' though I have asked you to stop - you are hurting me and our marriage - what is your end game ?'

The husband said

' that I should any form of contact from now on'

The wife quite calmly , though after 18 months felt any but said;

'That works for me'

Her dh just didn't get until that very moment in h thy councillor office. (Men can be a bit dense / child like. )

Men need a group of solid male friends - but as we all know men don't talk about their problems and that's the trouble.

Sometimes you have to treat them like children- NO That's not happening and let them see that all actions have consequences-

I know so many situations where the thought of losing their wife because they thought they could get away with cake eating had brought these men to their knees sobbing.

Don't let it get to that state.

Stay calm and carry out your plan.

Good luck

Robin2323 · 31/01/2020 06:30

Sorry typo

Should have read:

The husband said
*
I should STOP any form of contact '*

lesleyw1953 · 31/01/2020 06:45

Sorry you are going through this Flowers

Ozziewozzie · 31/01/2020 07:06

Your husband is a cheat.
He’s gaslighting you.
He’s disrespecting you and your children.
He’s not even apologised.
He’s still lying.
He’s blaming you
He’s accusing you of losing the plot.
His ‘future’ with the ow will never work.
Kick him out, and watch him fall.
You however will stand tall, head up high and strut your stuff forward. Show your children how worthy they are to not ever have to be treated like this.

florababy34 · 31/01/2020 07:20

I don't get it... they exchanged explicit photos and talked about having sex with each other..

How is this a debate?? Does he think that sharing explicit photos is what friends do?

I feel like I'm missing something.

TheReef · 31/01/2020 07:50

Sad deluded little man. Wants his cake and wants to eat it.

On what planet would sending explicit messages and photos to another woman be acceptable.

I'm so glad you're sending the messages to her dh and packing his bags. If you'd have decided to make it work he'd have brushed this under the carpet and you'd have been expected to simply accept his behaviour. What an absolute fool he is.

avocadoincident · 31/01/2020 07:57

Good luck op, I understand that friendships can develop and things can get out of hand. I'm not saying that's right at all but it happens.

What's so awful here for you is his reaction. When you first posted you were up for a discussion and open to explanations. He's really messed up the reasonable chance that you offered him. What a fool and one day he will look back and regret this.

Alfiemoon1 · 31/01/2020 08:05

If no harm was meant and he insists they are just friends and to him this is how friends behave he will have no problems with you share their messages with her husband

Stay strong op he is gaslighting you saying you have lost the plot he refuses to accept and shows no remorse for his behaviour sharing explicit texts and photos is not a normal friendship it’s an emotional affair that he had every intention of making physical given the chance and his refusal to cut contact to save your marriage is prioritising his friendship over your marriage

Alfiemoon1 · 31/01/2020 08:09

I recommend you read chumplady the cake eater. I hope you have some real life support op look after yourself

Marshmello · 31/01/2020 09:58

Yes him wanting to keep her 'as a friend' and blocking your access to the messages and not wanting the husband told are all classic signs.

Signs that he has to go.

Yes, save yourself the misery.

I didn't, as I'd never known about the signs and so had carried on valiantly. I lost everything. Still have him if I want, because half of them will just end up back sobbing in your lap, but of course I don't want him. No, he wasn't worth it.

When I hear of your DH blocking access and saying he needs her as a friend, I feel so angry I could throttle him myself for you.