Sibling, elderly mother and money

[needtonamechange1000]

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

@needtonamechange1000 This is bloody awful. Sadly however, not the first time I have heard shit like this. Stories of mothers BLATANTLY favouring the son(s) in the family. Particularly with (adult) children born pre-1980s.

Girls seem to be quite revered now and desired (especially by women,) but some 4+ decades ago, boys were hugely favoured and I knew (and still know) a whole host of women whose brothers were favoured. Treated like Royalty, could do no wrong, and always take take take, without ever giving back. Still, multiple sunbeams shone out of their arses........

I am not saying boys are NOT wanted or loved these days, but many people want a daughter. At least one daughter anyway. And neither one is favoured these days (not as much as a few years back anyway.)

I have lost count of the amount of women (45+) who I know, whose brothers are favoured. No matter what they do, the mother favours their brother(s) and they can do no wrong. I know a few women whose brothers only visit their mother 3-4 times a YEAR (for a few hours,) and they are still worshipped. Yet the daughter(s) are there 3-4 times a week, and are treated like shit. Go 2 days without contact, and you get 'I thought you were dead/in a coma/had gone abroad!'

I would literally ghost her OP. I'm not kidding. She has been an utter fucking bitch to you. I am sorry to say that, but what she has done is nothing short of utterly disgusting. She does not deserve you. Let her get her precious fucking SON to be her handmaid, along with his missus.

ARGH! I am fuming on your behalf, seriously!

What you're describing is batshit crazy (giving you the benefit of the doubt that it is true).

Ditto what SorryDidISayThatOutLoud suggested. Put her on a plane and let the pair of them deal with it together.

To be clear, parents do not have a right to put a child under the pressure you're describing because they don't want their care needs met by someone qualified to meet them. And as for the financials ... there's the law, and then there is decency and common sense. If she has genuinely done what you've said I'd be questioning her legal competency - she has basically given away her capacity to support herself and pay for care? That's not sane.

OP,
She moved in and disposed of her house and gave the entire proceeds to your brother.

And you are prepared to sacrifice your marriage and children for this woman?

Really?

You need to contact SS, your LA, and arrange for her to go into care.

I cannot believe this is the first time she has utterly disregarded you.

If you can't do it for yourself...do it for your husband and children.

Sounds like a tremendously difficult position. However, your mum isn't the only person whose feelings are relevant. You and your husband's feelings are very relevant. I know from bitter experience how hard this sort of thing can be and just how far it can push a relationship.

Tough if she doesn't want carers. You cannot sacrifice yourself. Your mum is being incredibly selfish and she definitely needs to get that money back for carers and / or a home.

Stop going to the appointments with her. Tell her why when she asks. Stop doing things that you don't have to do. Cut everything back to the very, very basics.
Tell her straight - this is what her faith in you has caused. You can no longer go to the appointments, the car would have help greatly. Providing money to the household would have taken some strain as you would have been able to hire cleaners etc. It would have helped to be able to reduce working hours to help her more. You and your dh cannot continue to work full-time, look after 2 young children and run around after her.

I would burst out laughing and tell her that she needs to phone her son and tell him to start saving. The Local Authority will be wanting it all back when she ends up in a home.

She will protest, but she needs to know that this is the reality and as her health declines she will be going, her money would have prolonged this as it could have been used for equipment etc. Of course, she also has the option of living with your brother, who is now in a financial position to be able to do this.

She needs to know the realities of how this will impact her and her precious son. If she cared about how you felt she wouldn't have done this.

Your mum and brother could be in for a nasty shock: www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/#

And this from Which?
Powers of recovery

If the local authority funds someone’s residential care costs and later rules that a person has ‘deliberately deprived’ themselves of assets, they have the power to claim care costs from the person that the assets were transferred to.

Legally, local authorities have the power to recover costs by instituting County Court proceedings. However, a local authority should only do this after it has tried other reasonable alternatives to recover the debt.

www.which.co.uk/later-life-care/financing-care/gifting-assets-and-property/gifting-assets-what-are-the-rules-alp865l0wlum#headline_3

Perhaps send those links to your brother and see what he has to say.

Deprivation of assets definitely relates to care too

It does, yes, but I didn't think there was quite the same 7 year "sliding scale" of what had to be paid back if someone dies during that time, as there is with IHT?

AFAIK - though I could easily be wrong - there's nothing to stop an LA coming after you for the whole lot if they believe it's been given away to avoid care costs

Depends where the brother lives though?

You really do need to get carers in. You can't do it all yourselves. Your mother needs people with the right training to help her, they will also be able to recognise much more quickly than you can if her condition deteriorates and she needs a bit of extra or specialist care.

You have to just tell her that this is how it will be. Do not sacrifice your family's (especially your children's) well-being on the altar of - what?- martyrdom?

Call social services, ask for someone from the Vulnerable Adults section.

@Puzzledandpissedoff you are correct. I copied this from a solicitor’s website:

The rules governing gifting and local authority financial assessments are not the same as the Inheritance Tax rules.

Unfortunately, there is no “7-year rule” when it comes to paying for care and the Council can go back as far as they wish when investigating deprivation of assets.

Gosh. Have you discussed the money with your brother? What are his thoughts on whether the money should be shared, and also that he might have to give it back for care costs?

I think this has to take the ultimate award for the biggest CF of all time. I have nothing to add others haven't already said.

You aren't a monster. But you are far, far, far too nice.

Get her out!

Sorry- too busy to reply properly. Of course I knew about the sale - I helped organise it. I just didn’t know this would be outcome. Being deliberately vague but money hasn’t been fully transferred.

If it hasn't been fully transferred, I'd be blocking/delaying it as best you can, if you can.

You need to tell her she will have to move out. She simply cannot expect you to pay for her for the rest of her life when there was money there, but she gave it to someone else! It will take some serious psyching yourself up, but you must do it. Your kids will lose out for no reason otherwise. Do it for them if you won't for yourself.

Well stuff that! I know it happens but I’m still gobsmacked that a mother can favour one child over another in that way.

Under those circumstances I’m not sure I could continue to make the sacrifices needed having her living with me.

Just read your latest - tell her right now not to move any more money or you will be phoning social services to tell them you can't house her any longer in the morning. Get your DH to say it / back you up if needed.

Capacity has nothing to do with decisions being good or bad. A person with capacity can make any decision they like, even if it seems unfair or outrageous.

The lady I know, gave home proceeds to her DSs and then went into supported living; in receipt of DLA etc but was outraged to be told no to housing benefit, as far as LA are concerned she deprived them of that money, I’ve seen the letters 🙄 Her sons never visit or take her out 😢

When you say ‘not fully transferred’, do you mean nothing has been sent to your brother yet, or she’s given him a portion of it Op?

Tell her that if she transfers that money, you will contact the local authority, tell them you can no longer care for her, and inform them of the deprivation of assets.

If you don't, and she eventually needs residential care, you're likely to be implicated anyway.

No 7 year rule that’s inheritance tax gifting LA have wide ranging powers to recover funds gifted in circumstances like this to avoid care fees. Your mothers not been as clever as she thinks she has.

I think this is appalling g if your mother and quite frankly shows how low she rates you and your family. I'd be looking at a council run care home now that she has given away the means of paying for something more comfortable.

Id be so hurt I couldn't bring myself to look at someone who has favoured an uncaring sibling over myself and my husband who were struggling to care for her. Tell you you can no longer afford to care for her

I’m so angry for you OP.

She needs an ultimatum. Either she gives you money from the proceeds of the house for her care of she's gone. She can answer to the LA for deliberately giving assets away that would pay for her care.