Sibling, elderly mother and money

[needtonamechange1000]

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

it might mean a council-run home rather than one of the better private ones

My MIL's council care home is many many times better than either of the two private ones that my mum lived/is living in. I'm told the same applies in the area where I live. Private + profit focused.

So through the entire process of her house going on the market, being sold and funds going through you never had anything to do with it? Despite her living with you?

Oh hell, I hadn't spotted that ...

=, not +

That’s true puzzled.
Op has to explain how her mother managed to sell the house

Chickenychick

“ How can anyone just say they won't go in a care home, and they won't have carers? And live with you?”

What I’ve seen is that they literally refuse and stay in their home, relying on their children not to abandon them. One friend had to leave her mother for three days before the mother agreed to carers but the mother could go to the the bathroom unaided. If they couldn’t, then I guess you’d be stuck, on humanitarian grounds.

I’m not sure if carers would be allowed to enter the home without consent of the caree.

I'm not surprised your hurt. She should go and live with your brother then if she's given him all that money and he's happily taken it !

Wow! Time for her to go to the nursing home!

I'm joking of course, but if it were me I would be really really hurt.

Genuinely very pleased to hear it, saraclara; it's good to know at least some LAs get it right

I'm the first to admit I'm influenced by the provision round here, and frankly you wouldn't put a dog in any of our local council homes

I'd be moving her right back out again. Social services will probably look at recovering the money to pay he care needs. What she's done is unbelievably hurtful, it will destroy your marriage I don't carries on.

@Puzzledandpissedoff
House could have been sold awhile ago and OP had assumed DM had funds in bank and this has just been found out, DB could easily have instructed a solicitor to handle it for her.

She needs to ask for the money back, or you or your husband ask on her behalf. What does she think she’ll live on?

If not, put her in a home, or a plane to your brother’s. Think of your own family.

Get her in a care home pronto.

You're right, JKScot4, but I can't take the credit for picking up on the house sale arrangements ... I was quoting a PP's remark and admitted I hadn't twigged the obvious question

This may sound harsh but under the circumstances I would put her in a home.

My guess is she has full capacity and did the house sale and money transfer herself.

I'd be so angry that I'd seriously consider whether I wanted to continue caring for her.

The assumption that she can live in your home and continue to rely on you but not help you out financially would make me really angry. She has not given you due consideration.

Social services pronto.....

She has made her choices clear she now needs to live with that decision, if she has no regard for you your long term health or your family she needs to manage on her own.

Social services will also not look kindly on the deprivation if assets!

AutumnRose1 - if she can manage the intricacies of managing a house sale and overseas money transfer, I would question why she can't live independently!

Of course, the house sale could have happened in the past and OP believed the funds were sitting in her bank account.... Strange not to have a conversation about financial arrangements prior to elderly Mother moving in.

This is very strange. She is elderly but managed to move in with you and without you knowing, she sold her house and transferred the money to your brother? What happened to the contents of her house? What did you think was happening to the house or did you think it was sold but the money was in the bank? Can you give us more context.
Are you posting because you want genuine advice, OP? Basically now you owe your mother nothing but she owes you everything.So do not be nervous about raising this with her.

If her house is sold - that money should be for her care, until she dies then it's distributed as per her will. She cannot actually just give it to your brother, there are rules surrounding this and tax implications. You need to discuss with her and your DH and get her to a solicitor and get this whole thing sorted out.

Honestly OP if my mother did this to me I would kick her out. You should not feel obliged to put yourself out for her. Her actions are incredibly selfish and take you for granted in a way that is somewhat dehumanising. It is bad for you, your DH and your DC to have her in your home.

@Puzzledandpissedoff Deprivation of assets definitely relates to care too.

Actually, another thought - if your brother has had all the money I would call him and tell him that you've bought your mother a one way ticket to wherever he lives as she is now his responsibility.

Oh my lord, she’s stringing you along!. You can’t expect to live rent free with your daughter while giving your son a cash sum like that.

Evict her, before your marriage cracks under the pressure, tell her to leave.

She’s behaved unforgivably towards you.

Has she given your brother Power of Attorney? That is the only way I can think she has managed to do this - he has done it all on her behalf with her backing

I think it's the money transfer that just came to light.