Sibling, elderly mother and money

[needtonamechange1000]

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

Op I think you're going to have to be very firm here. Once the money has gone realistically the council may or may not not pursue your brother to return the funds - suspect would depend on council resources and the amounting question.

There is a real risk that she could be refused assistance and potentially damage you financially particularly if the local authority deems your mum to be "self funding".

You need a very very strong word with her. Her intentions will place you in an impossible position. The fact she wants to buy your brothers affection is irrelevant particularly if the result is sabotaging your finances further and damaging your relationship with your partner.

So what I come does your mother have to survive off / conbtribute to you to cover extra costs of having another person in the household ? Have you discussed this with your brother ?

OP - I've been thinking about this and it's occurred to me things may actually be working out very well. You and DH have been devoted and exploited carers up till now, running yourselves into the ground for an ungrateful mother.

Regardless of the money issue, I think you should be getting your mother into a home before she works you or DH to death. She has refused carers at home forcing you to do all the work and demands constant attention. Now you have to say you've done more than anyone could be expected to do, and you're not doing any more.

I've just read your update saying the money hasn't been transferred yet. That's even better. Quickly get onto social services and tell them the money is ready to be used. They should be able to help get your mother into a good-quality home. You get your life back. Your mother uses her money to buy good care instead of killing her DD and DSL. Oh dear oh dear, your poor brother loses the jackpot.

Seriously, this isn't about the money. You and DH have looked after your mother well, and are protecting her and yourselves by getting her into professional care now.

“ Quickly get onto social services and tell them the money is ready to be used”

Agree.

As others have said, you're being treated horribly. Your mother may be trying to buy DB love but she's the one who raised another selfish misogynist.
Also, try not to give in to fear, obligation, and guilt with her in attempt to gain her approval.

You didn't say much about her condition but as others mentioned, she could live for years. You have to put your family first as you'll never get the time you could've spent with your DC back.

You need to tell your brother the money is to pay for her care as you can no longer afford to have her at yours, surely as she deteriorates, she’ll need 24/7 care, how are you supposed to work/fund your life?

I think you need indignation. Be indignent with her. What she has done to you is so grossly selfish and rude and unkind that I'm not sure anyone, short of a saint, would put up iwth it.

Tell her indignantly that her treatment of you in this way is unacceptable and that therefore she has to find alternative home and care. That as she values your brother so highly for doing nothing for her, you are following his lead and will do nothing further for her. If she is really expecting you to look after her for the rest of her life then she needs to understand and appreciate the sacrifice you and your family are making. Tell her that you deserve better treatment, you do not deserve to be snubbed like this.

Be prepared for her to make it all about the money and not the snub.

Where tf is your anger?

Serve her her favorite breakfast tomorrow morning well seasoned with arsenic

That is unforgivable. I’d tell her to move out and go NC. What a bitch.

See a decent solicitor, maybe a private social worker can help, but get the transfer stopped. Your brother is overseas and therefore out of range of any UK civil proceedings - once the money’s gone, it’s gone.

How on earth did you allow this woman to trample all over you and your family? She sounds an absolute horror.

Grow yourself a spine.

I agree that you need to do all you can to stop the rest of the money being transferred-and quickly before anyone gets an idea that you might do it.

As a pp has put, once it's abroad, it might not be reclaimable.

Disgusting if it really is that easy to get out of paying care fees.

Please go easy on the OP about her relationship with her mother. Only those with selfish self-absorbed parents know how hard it is to make your voice heard. The put downs started at birth. The OP is conditioned. The only way you can get out of the vortex is to physically move away which is probably what the brother has done here.

OP needs our support, not criticism to “grow a spine”.

Indeed OP has been conditioned. I wrote this earlier:-

"You've been really trained by her to put her first with your own needs dead last. Her last actions here are yet another nail in the coffin that is your relationship. It is really not possible to have a relationship with someone like your mother (who is really not worthy of the term)".

On a wider level are you really all that surprised that your SIL has not spoken to her (your mother) for two years?. There's reasons why that has happened and her H, your brother, cannot abide her either but he will indeed have all his mother's money especially if it gets transferred over to him.

You need to get your both ungrateful and abusive mother out of your family's life before your H and your DC further see you go downhill. Is this what you want to teach your children about relationships?. Do not suffer carer burnout as a result of your mother's actions. You will never get an apology out of her nor accept any responsibility for her actions. You will need to also grieve for the relationship with her you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

What a fucking kick in the teeth for you OP.
Honestly, she'd be straight in a home if it was me doing the looking after.
She is a burden and an extra cost and she should WANT you to be rewarded somehow for looking after her like this.
It shows complete disrespect for you to do this.
Get on to adult social care in your area today.
You cannot continue like this any way.
It's too much with a family to raise as well.
Tough shit if she doesn't want to go into a home.
That is her only option now.
I'd be fucking livid.
In fact, I'm raging for you OP!
What an utter bitch!

What do you want to happen?
Caring for a relative is an immense kindness but can also be a brutal hardship.
I assume you know what caring for your Mum currently entails, but what next?
I provided end of life care to my Mum over a few months in my home. We were very close and I am glad I was able to do that for her. But it really took its toll on my family and on me. I had four months off work with stress and my daughter had a mental health crisis too - aged only 8. This was within a kind, loving and supportive family.
More recently we cared for my Mother in law for a few weeks while we sourced residential care. We were on our knees in weeks with exhaustion, DD because very fragile again, DH was horrible to live with, he was so tired and snappy and we had no freedom to go out, as she couldn't be left alone for long. She is also becoming incontinent and had poor mobility so there was a huge amount of additional cleaning, laundry and emptying commodes. Despite having carers in the morning to get her washed and dressed, I ended up doing much more personal care than I would choose to do.
Be realistic about what you can do, what you want to do and how it affects your whole family.
Put aside the money issue for a moment.

Why would you risk your marriage, your mental health and your children's mental well being for such a selfish woman?

Stop the money leaving and get her into a nursing home.

How absolutely disgusting. OP I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be caring for her. Brother can do it or she can go into a home

I'm surprised more haven't picked up on the DM's remark that "I'm good at managing with little" - if that's not a complete insult I don't know what is

But maybe we need to wait for OP to return with some clarity before we can really help?

Does your DM receive a pension ?

Are you currently charging her nothing to live with you ?
Because at the least, she should be paying a percentage towards food, utilities, transport, holidays, luxuries like haircut, medicine etc

Are you able to prevent the transfer? Can you have a frank conversation with your mum about this asap?

"Mum, we need to have a difficult conversation. I have found out that (brother) will have to return all the money from the house if you need carers at a later date. Giving away your money like this is called 'deprivation of assets' if you later need to pay for any care in the next seven years. We cannot guarantee that we can support you on our own for that time.
I am struggling too. I feel unvalued that you think (brother) is worth supporting financially, but I am not. We love being able to have you here, but being honest it is not easy, physically or financially.
Do you have any ideas what to do? Maybe we could do to see a solicitor to get some advice?"

You know you can't actually interfere with what your mum does with her money, unless she lacks capacity and you have POA.

So, I echo Twillow's post that you have to have a serious conversation with her. One of the most important things you need to impress upon her is that you are exhausted and cannot look after her adequately; also that you have children whom you must prioritise, and a dh who is also on his knees.

Tell her she has to move out. Book her a night in a hotel, leave her there and tell social services you can't care for her. You've got to be as brutal as she has been to you.

As hard as it sounds any elderly person who refuses to either have careers or go into a home are entirely selfish and should be left to their own devices. I don’t think many people want to go into a home but may have to