DH heavily invested in awful friend. Advice please!

[mrsnec]

My DH has been friends with a bloke we both used to work with for years. We live in different countries but DH is in contact with this friend daily. Sometimes for hours. He talks about him constantly, discusses our sex life with him has started sending him money and talks about buying him extravagant presents.

This friend has had a tough time of it recently. He was made redundant then his business failed and he has struggled to hold down a job or relationship. He has 3 dc by 2 women but has toxic relationships with both and a criminal record for assault on one of them. He is currently sleeping with 6 different women and on various dating websites and has used drugs and prostitutes. DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour and says he'd probably be doing the same under the circumstances.

He has told DH he doesn't like me but when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it.

We don't have many holidays and in the past couple of years they have been trips to the UK which have mainly revolved around him.

The influence he has over my DH is destroying our relationship and I have had enough. I have tried to talk to DH about it but all he says is that I don't have any friends so I wouldn't understand.

I'd advise not saying anything about H maybe being gay or bi.
He'd immediately deny it and it would become the focus of further complaints about you.

The obvious thing to address is his attitude to you.
Saying you are not responsible for his bad mood is a good start.

Do look into your options for leaving and being independent, though, as it seems your H doesn't respect you or even like you.
Why would you want to live with someone who is so horrible to you?

The friend has something on your dh.
Your dh has overshared so much from what you've told us here, and much more you probably don't even know about.
Stuff has happened, what I don't know, but this friend has infiltrated your husband's mind and life so much that I doubt you'd ever be able to get your husband back.

I'm in South Devon, it's peaceful, and people are kind.
You seem isolated now so maybe you need to get away and leave him to his perving.
They're as bad as each other.

Hmm, I don't think either of them are gay/bi.

A gay man (friend) wouldn't be sleeping with 6 women, and using female prostitutes.

I think the DH enjoys partaking in the friends lifestyle, as often as possible. And he lives vicariously through him, until the next time he can see him in person (and dip into the lifestyle).

Any man who disagreed with using prostitutes, and shagging several women, would distance himself from this friend. Whereas Op's DH wants to get closer and closer....you have to ask yourself why?

If you decide to separate, i would try and persuade DH to move back to the Uk for a few months to be nearer to his mate. I’d move near where he lives get the kids enrolled in school and a few months later till him it’s over and move nearer your parents.

I wouldn’t let him know it was over until I was in a position to stay with the DC as you don’t want to risk being in an other country from them. I would also get excellent legal advice and start a hidden nest egg.

Trouble is, even if I take the situation with DH out of the equation I just don't know where I want to be.

I certainly wouldn't move here with no job and no support network and as I have said my parent's part of South Devon is not peaceful and friendly but it is different and there's lots going on. It's a market town with an old fashioned cinema and lots of unusual independent shops.

DH and I ages ago spoke hypothetically about moving back. I think around the time our friends left. He said he'd want to try somewhere fresh. Perhaps Wiltshire. That would be half way between my parents and Dodgy perv. Maybe worth considering. As a side note, the friends who moved back do not regret it and are thriving.

I probably should do something for myself. I tried to get shop work or tourist industry type work and I failed. I didn't really want to do either though. What I want to do is a TEFL qualification. I haven't had the motivation and struggle to get my dc to do their homework so decided I'd be a rubbish teacher.

DH says he supports the dodgy perv's lifestyle because his 3rd child was a mistake in a rebound relationship after his divorce so if he doesn't comit to anyone then he's less likely to make the same mistake again, his needs are met and nobody gets hurt apparently.

Moving near Dodgy perv is a ridiculous idea. He lives in a very expensive part of Kent where the income from a minimum wage job wouldn't cover rent on a bedsit. Besides, I have never lived anywhere I have actually chosen myself and I made a promise to myself that because I hate moving so much I'm not doing it again unless it's somewhere I really want to be.

Also, whilst there is no nest egg, we do have an asset we don't use which I bought with an inheritance. If we sold it there would be enough cash to live on for a few months. DH doesn't want to sell it but I might be able to convince him and I would definitely be able to sit on the cash for a bit.

I would have though that moving back to the UK would actually make it easier for you to leave.

I suggested the location to tempt your OH to get back in the Uk. Once you and the kids are there you can move afterwards. It’s not ideal but if you decide to leave then it would make sense to do it whilst living in the UK.

If you think you could get him to move to a different area then that’s great.

if its in your name alone you can sell it he can go for half in a divorce maybe

"Somewhere you really want to be" might not be a specific location - it might just be somewhere away from H and Dodgy Perv.

P.s. Doesn't Perv know about vasectomies?
His excuse is pathetic. He obviously wants that lifestyle, and so does your H probably.