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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH heavily invested in awful friend. Advice please!

185 replies

mrsnec · 27/01/2020 09:38

My DH has been friends with a bloke we both used to work with for years. We live in different countries but DH is in contact with this friend daily. Sometimes for hours. He talks about him constantly, discusses our sex life with him has started sending him money and talks about buying him extravagant presents.

This friend has had a tough time of it recently. He was made redundant then his business failed and he has struggled to hold down a job or relationship. He has 3 dc by 2 women but has toxic relationships with both and a criminal record for assault on one of them. He is currently sleeping with 6 different women and on various dating websites and has used drugs and prostitutes. DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour and says he'd probably be doing the same under the circumstances.

He has told DH he doesn't like me but when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it.

We don't have many holidays and in the past couple of years they have been trips to the UK which have mainly revolved around him.

The influence he has over my DH is destroying our relationship and I have had enough. I have tried to talk to DH about it but all he says is that I don't have any friends so I wouldn't understand.

OP posts:
Vanhi · 27/01/2020 11:55

their issue with me is that I don't put out often enough so the friend dislikes me because I make Dh miserable by being rubbish in bed apparently.

Read that back to yourself. If a friend told you her DH and a mate of his were talking about her like that, what advice would you give your friend? Because I'd tell her to leave him, and take him for every penny she could get.

HuskyloverI · 27/01/2020 12:01

Ah Cyprus....where they really value their women! He'll be condoning rape next. I mean, prostitutes are okay, attacking women is okay...not much of a leap, is it?

Your DH sounds vile.

northernstar0412 · 27/01/2020 12:02

Okay, I know where you are. So the hideous friend visits you there. For the life of me, I don't understand why women put up with this.

My ex is a multimillionaire, and had I stayed with him I never would have had to worry about money again, but he was an abusive, entitled misogynist.

I work like a dog to keep my head above water but it is a million times better than being a downtrodden bird in a gilded cage. Freedom, safety and peace of mind, you can't put a price on that.

Woollycardi · 27/01/2020 12:08

What Vanhi' says. And also re-read @Inherdefence*'s post, as many, many times as you need to so it will cement in.

Your husband has told you that his friend dislikes you because you are rubbish in bed and making him miserable? There is nothing about that sentence that is ok. I'm not here to keep my husband happy by pleasing him in bed, that's not my responsibility. We jointly have a sex life, it's a two way thing. Loads of us have low self-esteem, it's an epidemic, but our only way to build up our esteem is by taking action to protect ourselves and to leave situations that continuously feed into how shit we feel about ourselves. Surely being on your own is better than this rubbish?

lunar1 · 27/01/2020 12:09

They aren't friends, they are in a relationship, it might not be sexual but it's definitely the prime relationship for your husband.

ddl1 · 27/01/2020 12:13

Your dh shouldn't be discussing his sex life with anyone but you! And he's not a child or teenager: if he has bad attitudes or behaviour, it's a problem with him, not with 'bad company'. In any case, just for your own safety, you should not allow anyone with a conviction for domestic violence to stay at your home.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 27/01/2020 12:13

I am always worried DH is looking for someone better.

It's you that should be looking for someone better Op. Your husband is treating you horribly and he's using his 'friend' to help him.

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 12:13

Yes friend visits us here. I let him borrow my car so I don't have to talk to him or run around after him but he doesn't seem to appreciate it. I would be cooking anyway so don't object to that. DH suggested I do his washing to make him feel welcome so he visits more often but then he'd phone before he arrived to check I'd remembered which really annoyed me.

I know all of Dh's passwords. I've checked and never found messages from other women only porn the friend had sent but Dh hadn't responded to it.

Neither currently has a trip booked at the moment. I think that's why DH sent money so they could enjoy beers without him. DH wants us to book another trip to the UK but he wants to being the kids and for us all to stay with the friend so he can reciprocate the hospitality but I've said no.

OP posts:
Thedeadwood · 27/01/2020 12:16

I am very nearly speechless. With every post your DH (and his awful friend) get worse and worse. Is your self-worth really so low that you think any of this is acceptable?

IntermittentParps · 27/01/2020 12:17

I would be cooking anyway so don't object to that
You SHOULD object. Get a spine, OP, please. Cook for you and the kids. Make clear that DH cooks for his unpleasant guest; you do not cook for people who say offensive things to you and treat you like shit.

DH suggested I do his washing to make him feel welcome so he visits more often
DH can stuff the washing up his arse.

but then he'd phone before he arrived to check I'd remembered which really annoyed me. And he can stuff his phone up his arse too.

Please listen to us (and to your own real voice) and stop making excuses.

Nearlyalmost50 · 27/01/2020 12:20

Are you from the country in which you currently live? Do you need to stay there?

Their attitude to women is like something out of the Middle Ages- do you have girls, actually, even if you have boys, do you want them turning out like their dad and his friend?

This is waaaaay beyond a bromance. My husband has good male friends, the type who would do anything for you, but he doesn't slag me off to them, or hang around as they use prostitutes or make me do their washing like a servant as all those things would be utterly demeaning.

No wonder you are thinking of leaving, your lives are oriented around a foul unpleasant man who hates you (that's the friend) and a man who agrees with him (that's your husband). How easy would it be for you to stay on your own?

helberg · 27/01/2020 12:22

That would have been bad enough, but I got the feeling that the friend really despised women, and DP picked up on this and started treating me appallingly.

Yes, my ex did this too. Encouraged by this friend who was constantly telling him things like "Don't let her get away with that". "Don't let her tell you what to do". "Treat them mean to keep em keen" and all that jazz.

These so-called "friends" want to make trouble in the relationship because they want the other person at their beck and call should they need a drinking partner/someone to go to the brothel with/someone to plumb in their washing machine.

their issue with me is that I don't put out often enough so the friend dislikes me because I make Dh miserable by being rubbish in bed apparently.
Really? Then DH can fuck off and be not-miserable shagging prostitutes all the time. And who is telling you these things? Is it your DH reporting back to you on conversations he's had with his "friend"?
He shouldn't be. He should be telling the friend to get to fuck and then not repeating it to you.

I'm sorry OP but I think you'd be better off dumping this complete and utter knob.
I know my life has been better since I got away from my ex and his friend.

To those implying the pair are having an affair with each other - this could be a possibility but it does sound more like two heterosexual blokes enjoying each other's company doing what the fuck they like (drugs, prostitutes etc).

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 12:23

No I'm not from here.I am English too. I couldn't stay here if I left.

OP posts:
HuskyloverI · 27/01/2020 12:26

I think that's why DH sent money so they could enjoy beers without him

Stop being ridiculous. Friend can afford to buy sex, so I'm sure he can afford a pint at the pub.

Why are you believing such tall stories???????

justasking111 · 27/01/2020 12:30

Where are your parents in all this? Can you return home?

Luckystar20 · 27/01/2020 12:30

Sorry to say op but I agree with the other poster I think it's likely hes having sex with prostitutes or random woman when hes spending more time with these friends who do it and he says you're terrible in bed. It's likely his friends are also encouraging him to cheat. I think you know in you're heart by you're own admission on here something a miss.

nibdedibble · 27/01/2020 12:33

I was once in a relationship with a man whose flatmate had an odd hold over him. It was totally uncomfortable, infuriating and weird.

I found out fairly recently that they still live together, as partners. SO there was my explanation. Grin

I can't be the only one who's been in that situation, I'm sure. Posting this in case it rings any tiny bells, far off in the distance.

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 12:38

DH likes me to feel included in the conversations.

The other day this friend had met one of his love interests. She'd just told him she didn't want to commit .They were in the pub so because of this he didn't bother asking if she wanted a drink he just ordered what he wanted from his seat from the app on his phone. Stayed until he'd finished his food then went home and called another girl over to 'service him'

I thought this was absolutely hideous behaviour but DH didn't seem to have a problem it. DH never used to be like this. I guess I'm just really dissapointed in him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 12:42

My parents are in the UK. Their house is tiny. DSF awaiting cancer treatment.They know about this friend and they have met him.

OP posts:
loserssaywhat · 27/01/2020 12:44

He sounds like a disgusting creep. Although your husband says he doesn't condone his behaviour that's completely disingenuous because by continuing to be friends with this person he is condoning it. He says he would behave the same as his friend if his circumstances allowed it.
Grim indeed.
I think I'd have to put my foot down and not allow this person in my home tbh.
It's up to your dh who he's friends with but it wouldn't be for me. I wouldn't wanna associate with him in any way.

justasking111 · 27/01/2020 12:44

I would go home rent somewhere near mum and dad. How do you know OH is not visiting prostitutes, have you had a health check?

He is living vicariously through a vile man he is obsessed with, I think he must have gay leanings.

HuskyloverI · 27/01/2020 12:47

You seem to be skimming over the fact that your husband is probably shagging around.

Durgasarrow · 27/01/2020 12:47

Are you afraid of your husband? That is the only reason I can imagine you doing his fucking washing.

helberg · 27/01/2020 12:48

DH likes me to feel included in the conversations.

Are they talking about you while you are there?
Or are they talking about you and DH then tells you because he "likes you to feel included"?
What an utter arsehole your DH is being.

Do you want to stay with him?
Is it not knowing what to do if you split that is stopping you?

You say you can't stay in Cyprus if you split? Why not? Is this to do with not being able to afford it? Job opportunities? Not liking the place.
You don't have to answer the questions here if you don't want to. But something to think about.

If you were to return to the UK what sort of job could you do? Where could you live?

iswhois · 27/01/2020 12:48

Tell him to fuck off and he can enjoy a like of prostitutes and drugs with this loser as that is obviously what he wants to do.