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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH heavily invested in awful friend. Advice please!

185 replies

mrsnec · 27/01/2020 09:38

My DH has been friends with a bloke we both used to work with for years. We live in different countries but DH is in contact with this friend daily. Sometimes for hours. He talks about him constantly, discusses our sex life with him has started sending him money and talks about buying him extravagant presents.

This friend has had a tough time of it recently. He was made redundant then his business failed and he has struggled to hold down a job or relationship. He has 3 dc by 2 women but has toxic relationships with both and a criminal record for assault on one of them. He is currently sleeping with 6 different women and on various dating websites and has used drugs and prostitutes. DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour and says he'd probably be doing the same under the circumstances.

He has told DH he doesn't like me but when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it.

We don't have many holidays and in the past couple of years they have been trips to the UK which have mainly revolved around him.

The influence he has over my DH is destroying our relationship and I have had enough. I have tried to talk to DH about it but all he says is that I don't have any friends so I wouldn't understand.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 27/01/2020 12:50

It has crossed my mind to walk away but it feels like a petty reason to throw away a marriage.

I won't repeat some of the excellent points already made but you do realise that if you made your DH choose between you and his friend, it's likely the friend would be the one chosen.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 12:50

Good God - go home!

Leave your absolute twat of a husband. Tell him to wash his friend's pants to make him feel more welcome because you aren't a skivvy who enjoys being discussed between them like a prostitute, and GO HOME!

iswhois · 27/01/2020 12:50

And yes said friend will 100% be encouraging him to cheat on you.

If your DH can't ditch him you need to ditch your DH.

Highonpotandused · 27/01/2020 12:54

I hope Cypriot law is fair to women if you decide to leave this twat but after the case against the poor British girl that was gang raped, I have my doubts.

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 12:56

I have had lots of gay friends in the past. I don't have any reason to believe my husband has homosexual tendencies.

I don't know when my DH would be shagging around apart from the times his friend is over he goes out once a week to play in a sports league and he's with me a lot of the time otherwise.

My parents live quite remotely. Living near them would have to be a last resort. I don't want to burden them and I'm not financially independent.

I am sometimes scared of my husband. He has some dark moods. He has never hurt me physically.

OP posts:
PunishmentSnart · 27/01/2020 12:58

What is the point of this post if you're only going to make excuses for your 'D'H and not acknowledge that he is part of the problem.

Branleuse · 27/01/2020 13:00

Its staring you in the face @mrsnec

I think you should probably get a STD check sorry

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 13:03

They don't talk about me when I'm in on the conversations. It's mostly about the friend's escapades, or football.

I have never found work here. I haven't worked properly in nearly 10 years. I found it difficult to find work here them I had an illness then an Mc before I had my dc .I do the admin for out business though and I have been told I would be able to find a job in the UK.

OP posts:
Weetabollocks · 27/01/2020 13:04

Your H has a primary relationship and it isn't you.

I think it's all either a front for prostitutes and drugs or a gay relationship. Either way I would ltb

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/01/2020 13:05

I'm sorry OP but your husband sounds vile. If he weren't your DH but just someone you know would you like him? Would you be friends with him? I doubt that yet you are prepared to be married to him, for him to be a role model to your children.

I would not have someone stay in my house if they didn't like me, I certainly would not be washing, cooking and loaning them my car. OP,
where are your balls? Wtf are you doing? Wake up, see your DH for what he is.

ISpeakJive · 27/01/2020 13:05

Is your DH Cypriot, OP?

northernstar0412 · 27/01/2020 13:06

OP, I once read a book by a private detective who said that if she had a dollar for every time a woman said to her: "But he doesn't have time for an affair.", she would be a rich woman.

One man she followed was at home every night with his wife and kids, and with them every weekend. But he was visiting prostitutes in his lunch break at work during the day.

I had a married colleague who did this too and we all knew it was going on. It's easy for them - they don't even need an hour to get the job done, as it were, if the hookers are close by.

Honey, I don't want to be unkind, but your health could be at stake here. And if you are afraid of him, his moods, then that tells you everything you need to know.

I work in an industry where I come across a lot of scenarios in which women who didn't want to leave - for whatever reason: kids, money, house, culture, whatever - ended up dead or maimed.

Okay, so I work in an extreme environment and statistically it is unlikely to happen to you, but if it were me I would get the hell out of there. Disrespect could well turn into abuse before you know it.

HuskyloverI · 27/01/2020 13:06

I don't know when my DH would be shagging around

When he is with his mate that uses prostitutes and drugs and also has 6 women on the go.

Why can't you see this?

My first H used to go on weekends away with friends, and I'm pretty sure he was picking up women then. It was maybe only twice a year, but isn't that enough? He was also trying to snog women on nights out, even when I was there....he would "go missing" for an hour etc.

We were together for 20 fucking years. But once I knew the truth, I left him. I now have a lovely DH who wouldn't behave like this.

justasking111 · 27/01/2020 13:06

So your parents are remote, how far is the nearest town, what about your UK friends I presume you had a life, education before you met him.

TheABC · 27/01/2020 13:07

You need an exit plan, OP. It does not sound like your DH respects you at all the financial dependency is ringing alarm bells. At the very least, start looking for admin work outside of the home (so you have a reference and an independent cashflow). Get yourself checked for STDs and I would also book a solicitor's appointment to see where you stand, legally. You may encounter difficulties if you did want to return to the UK with the kids.

Regarding the friend, start enforcing boundaries. It sounds incredibly unhealthy and really does read like an emotional relationship.

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 13:08

No DH isn't Cypriot. He behaves very much like one.

Yes I do feel like there's not just us in our marriage.

OP posts:
HuskyloverI · 27/01/2020 13:12

I'm starting to think this can't be real....I mean, who would actually put up with this crap?

Happityhap · 27/01/2020 13:13

It has crossed my mind to walk away but it feels like a petty reason to throw away a marriage.

You don't have a marriage, or not a good one anyway.
Your whole relationship is centred on this revolting friend.

Do you want to be 'included' in their hideous conversations?
By 'including' you, and by telling you the revolting things they've said, your H is making this seem normal to you. None of it is normal.

Tell your H you never want to see this guy again, or hear anything about him, and see how he reacts and whether he respects your view.

Find out what your options would be if you leave, and think seriously about doing that.

Christmaspug · 27/01/2020 13:14

Is your dh ...vulnerable?
Im Feeling this friend is grooming \ controlling your dh .
He needs to cut him loose
I also wondered had there been any sexual contact between them in the past ,might also explain things

BlueJava · 27/01/2020 13:16

Does this guy have some hold over your DH? For example, have they done some dodgy deal maybe where the guy "looks after" your DH? I cannot think of another reason why your DH would get so involved - especially sending money/presents and going along with shocking behaviour. It's just a thought, but I don't think you'll solve the problem unless you get to the bottom of it or walk away from DH.

diddl · 27/01/2020 13:18

Could your revolting husband be the reason that you don't have friends where you are?

"DH tries to steer his friend away from here but never manages it."

Yes, of course he doesHmm

So your husband tells is friend that you don't let him have sex enough & it's rubbish when you do?

If that's not a non petty reason to leave then I can't imagine what is!!

northernstar0412 · 27/01/2020 13:21

Huskylover... on the one hand I have wondered this too. On the other, I have known people to put up with this type of thing - because they are terrified of their partner. They are often being mentally and/or physically abused and have no confidence or self-esteem left.

HollowTalk · 27/01/2020 13:23

You should judge your husband by the company he keeps. His best friend is absolutely disgusting.

justasking111 · 27/01/2020 13:24

So your OH tells his friend you are no good in the sack, if I have got this right, he will be well rid of you so you may as well go home so that he can find the perfect woman. Do the right thing take yourself off and leave him to find this mythical woman his friend tells him is out there despite said friend being a male whore. (sarcasm) I am sure he will be very grateful you bowed out so that he could find sexual heaven. (rolls eyes)

YouJustDoYou · 27/01/2020 13:26

More red flags than Russia.