DH heavily invested in awful friend. Advice please!

[mrsnec]

My DH has been friends with a bloke we both used to work with for years. We live in different countries but DH is in contact with this friend daily. Sometimes for hours. He talks about him constantly, discusses our sex life with him has started sending him money and talks about buying him extravagant presents.

This friend has had a tough time of it recently. He was made redundant then his business failed and he has struggled to hold down a job or relationship. He has 3 dc by 2 women but has toxic relationships with both and a criminal record for assault on one of them. He is currently sleeping with 6 different women and on various dating websites and has used drugs and prostitutes. DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour and says he'd probably be doing the same under the circumstances.

He has told DH he doesn't like me but when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it.

We don't have many holidays and in the past couple of years they have been trips to the UK which have mainly revolved around him.

The influence he has over my DH is destroying our relationship and I have had enough. I have tried to talk to DH about it but all he says is that I don't have any friends so I wouldn't understand.

That would be good if you could make friends. Perhaps your dh could meet some decent men who are parents with better values than his friend.

I really hope so. When I was in Devon last time I was looking at schools and places to live etc. It's beautiful but it doesn't feel like home and I just didn't feel welcome there. There's a soft play cafe opposite my mum's house and none of the other mum's would speak to me it just didn't feel like it was the answer.

mrsnec you say that you have not made friends in the 10 years you have lived where you live, so I don't really see how judging one play place in Devon can tell you if you would make friends there. My guess is that if you showed up every week for a couple of months, you'd make friends pretty easily.

You are in a tricky legal position and need advice on that, but you do have the choice of separating in Cyprus as well. You seem to be writing about this in a very dispassionate way, and are not that disturbed by the fact that 99% of people on here think your situation is untenable and your partner horrible, just absolutely awful in every way. I don't know why this is - whether you are resigned to your situation as you are not independent financially, whether you are numb to it all, whether you are generally unsure if this is really as bad as you think (it is) or what? Is there any chance you could seek counselling for yourself to start to articulate what's wrong and to think how you could live outside it?

It's all of the above and I have had a bad experience in the past with counselling that's put me off for life.

I can only think that you are turning a blind eye to the blatant obvious, because it's easier to cope with?

Op, I didn’t think my ex boyfriend had any homosexual tendencies. Not a hint of ambivalence.

Looking back I think the flatmate was grooming him. He had an alcohol addiction and was in retrospect young and vulnerable. Flatmate got to him that way.

I hope you get out of this. Men who use prostitutes are the worst and the pair of them sound absolutely riddled tbh

Im Feeling this friend is grooming \ controlling your dh

I wondered this too. Is there an age difference? Either way, your husband is enmeshed in a very unhealthy relationship with this man. It certainly feels too intense not to have a sexual element. But the friend does seem to be more in the driving seat with your husband almost idolising him. It’s bizarre, though, and not something I could tolerate. You’re in a very tough position here, I think you need some good legal advice.

OP your life sounds very unhappy, regard less of this friend.
You are isolated, not financially independent and with a man who does not respect you. It also sounds like he is sexually coercive in that he is even getting his friend to tell you how you owe him more sex.
Forget about the friend (he's not the real problem) and start getting some financial independence or go back to the UK

I do think that, not having made any friends in 10 years in one place, it's a bit strange to think you wouldn't make friends on the strength of turning up once in another place.

We have lived in Devon for 15 years. I can't work due to illness and disability, but even I've made a few friends! Bear in mind that Devon is often full of tourists, so people tend not to chat too much with strangers. We've had too many people from - particularly - London treating us like country bumpkins, being patronising and rude (yes, it really does happen), to actually WANT to make friends with any of them. Once you've turned up at a place a few times though, the other regulars will recognise you and you'll merit a nod and a smile; the next week you might get an actual greeting and the next week an opportunity to tell them you're living there now. This process will happen much more quickly if you have children at the local school.

I promise you, we're actually much nicer than you think on the strength of one visit.

Your problem is that your husband is a creep who is in thrall to an even bigger creep.

Sounds like your husband is more invested in his "friendship" than your marriage OP.

Devon is much friendlier, once you get to know it. If your parents are South Devon I'd look at somewhere like Plymouth or preferably Exeter. Join the right groups and you'd have friends pretty quickly.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience but please bear in mind that millions of people have good and positive, life-changing experiences with counselling or therapy of some form. You can change your situation, you don't have to put up with a husband who treats you like a skivvy and thinks it's fine to use prostitutes. If he stopped investing so much time in that friendship, he could improve his life out in Cyprus too.

I do appreciate the advice everyone. I'm just processing it all at the moment.

DH and I are early 40s. Dodgy perv is 47 all of the women he's involved with are a lot younger than him. A couple of them are half his age.

I have been going to Devon for years and always feel the same. It did take my parents a while to settle in. Sometimes I think South Hams is even more snooty than Surrey! It wasn't even tourist season. The woman in my mum's post office was so rude to me I burst into tears and that wasn't an isolated incident but I was emotionally fragile at the time as DH had gone to visit dodgy perv and I worry constantly when they are together.

They are both very heavy drinkers. I drink more than I probably should but nowhere near on their level.

I did make friends here who went back to the UK. What I mean is I have no friends here right now. I joined a mum's group. The first thing they said to me was slagging off where I live saying don't expect any of us to visit you there.I took my school to soft play where they live and they always let me down. I bought them birthday gifts but they didn't acknowledge mine and in chat groups they just argued with everything I said. Our DC made friends in nursery, one mum accepted a playdate, never reciprocated rejected my fb friend request and blanks me at every function. The other one just didn't respond. I gave up trying.

We tend to socialise with clients. We had a good time with some of them back in the summer but they owe us money and haven't been over here for months so I keep them at arms length.

So the friends thing, I can't decide if it's me at fault or circumstances. DH know it's a sore subject for me and uses it against me.

Those of you who mentioned my dc in all of this please know they have no idea about any of this and of course I will protect them and do what's best for them.

And really counselling, about 15 years ago I was a victim of knife crime. I saw a victim support counsellor. Not because I wanted to I was pressured to. He was awful. Just a walking bag of cliches. He just kept saying things like 'these things are sent to try us and 'what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger etc. I couldn't see how that was going to help then so I can't see how that's going to help now.

So one counsellor once was shit so you won't use any anymore? If you needed your house rewired but had once encountered a useless electrician would you live with it, or just find a better sparky? If one plumber flooded your kitchen would you decide they were all like that?

The best advice I got regarding therapy was that i would have to find the right therapist for me and that it would have to be at the right time for me. Perhaps now isn't the right time for you, but I wouldn't dismiss an entire profession because one of its members did a bad job once.

Your victim support guy clearly wasn't a counsellor. Was he just a volunteer?

If you search out the right one, I promise it will help. You need someone to talk to, who can advise you but who'll be on your side. You might need to try a couple before you find the right one but they will help you immensely.

Thanks Vanhi. I had never thought of it like that. I am quite impatient and would expect to get it right first time but what you say does make sense but no I don't feel in the right place for that at the moment.

Nanny, I didn't know they used volunteers for that kind of work.I assumed you would only have qualified professionals dealing with such vulnerable individuals.

Your husband is showing no respect for you by whining to this guy about not getting enough sex and then reporting the creep's opinion to you.
And by insisting you stay in the room for Skype conversations you don't want to hear.

Is there any way at all that your husband is someone you really want to be with?

no I don't feel in the right place for that at the moment.

Then there's little you can do to extricate yourself from your situation, OP. Sure, you can get out physically, but not psychologically.

We never go to counsellors when we feel like we're in the right place ... because if we're in the right place, we don't need one.

I am quite impatient and would expect to get it right first time but what you say does make sense but no I don't feel in the right place for that at the moment.

There's an old joke Q. how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, but the light bulb has to really want to change. There's quite a lot of truth to it. I needed therapy much earlier than I was ready to have it and I had to get to a point where I was so low that I could only admit that help was needed.

Therapy/ counselling/ psychiatry are all a little subjective. That means there's even less chance of there being an absolute right or wrong answer than there is with things like plumbing and electricity. It does matter that you get a therapist who suits you. Two I saw I didn't really gel with, although I got something out of it. The third was brilliant.

You do seem to be stuck - in fact your dismissing of therapy or counselling on the basis of one experience shows how stuck you are. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. You may not be ready for any drastic changes yet, but this thread is a start.

Hi, you say you're sometimes scared of your husband. What does he do that makes you feel scared? How does he talk to you?

Some counsellors can be crap, or not be the right person for us. It can be trial and error to find one that suits you- but it's worth it xxx

Oh and your husband's relationship with his friend does sound a bit gay tbh.

I agree with Vahni in that you seem to be stuck. Although your husbands behaviour is not your fault (and it's repulsive and disrespectful by the way) it is your responsibility to end this cycle. I mean this kindly and not as criticism, but you sound very closed to finding solutions or taking responsibility where you can. You've said no or shut down peoples suggestions on here. As I said, that is not meant unkindly- it's normal human behaviour and understandable that you might feel overwhelmed and therefore be subconsciously blocking your path out of this. It's so often easier to stay in our comfort zone, even if that is in fact the worst place for us.
All the time you tolerate this behaviour from your husband you are sending the message to him and out to the world that this is acceptable and that you will tolerate being disrespected. This may be a subconscious message you have also given to friends on the past- the ones who treated you badly, and you carried on seeking their approval, buying gifts etc. Again there is no judgement here- I've been there and this is understandable behaviour, which happens as a coping mechanism.
The only way you're going to change things is by really getting to grips with understanding your own psychological response to this and that means talking therapy. Please don't discount it based on one bad experience in different circumstances. You sound like you would greatly benefit from understanding your thought processes and how they are affected by any core beliefs about yourself you may have.
You can change the situation you're in by changing your response and valuing yourself more. To do this you need to take the first step towards taking responsibility for your own happiness.
If you moved to the UK you would have as good a chance as anyone of making friends, but again you need to have a full awareness of your responses and the way you interact with people so that you can establish clear and healthy boundaries with new friends in a new area.
I suspect those unkind friends and your DH all sense your boundaries are shaky or non-existent and so they feel they can get away with abusing you. Unfortunately abusers are attracted to people with unclear boundaries.
Good luck

Depending on the size of your community, you could be struggling to make friends because everyone knows your husband is an abusive piece of shit?

I am glad to hear some people have had some positive experiences of therapy.

Regarding my comment about being scared of my husband that's quite a strong statement perhaps wary would be better. He's never been violent but he has dark moods and says things that are hurtful during these times although these are infrequent and I can't think of examples. The moods come from nowhere and I will just see him pacing around chain-smoking. He has implied it's my fault but I have recently told him that I refuse to take responsibility for his misery.

I hadn't thought about the gay thing before but it's playing on my mind a bit. The present he wants to buy dodgy perv is an echo show to make it easier for them to communicate and he's recently mentioned booking a flight to the UK to surprise him before we've even sorted a family holiday.I think I'm going to have to address this.

I thought I was dealing with some of my issues myself. I told DH I wasn't responsible for his misery, I kept flaky clients at arms length, I didn't ask nursery mum what her problem was with me and tried not to dwell on it. I thought that was progress but perhaps I have a long way to go.

It is a tiny community here. Mostly farmers or retired ex-pats most of them don't know us and wouldn't care about what goes on anyway.

It sounds like your husband is in a relationship with this guy, that was the first thing that jumped out at me. Possibly they are both bi but not admitting it, or your husband at least is. It sounds like a sexual, romantic relationship between them even if it hasn’t actually gone to anything physical yet. Sorry OP.

You sound so unhappy, op. I think your H like you down in the gutter. Using not having friends against you, telling you his friend thinks your rubbish in bed, expecting you to wait on said shithead.

Can you stay in Cyprus and build a life on your own? Next time you visit shit for brains, just stay. Or convince H to move back so he can spend more time with doofas.

I think you need a job (not in H's family business) and some training so that you can learn new skills, gain in confidence, meet new people and become more employable and self sufficient.

I hope you can start making small steps to leave your awful husband.