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Original poster

DH heavily invested in awful friend. Advice please!

185 replies

mrsnec · 27/01/2020 09:38

My DH has been friends with a bloke we both used to work with for years. We live in different countries but DH is in contact with this friend daily. Sometimes for hours. He talks about him constantly, discusses our sex life with him has started sending him money and talks about buying him extravagant presents.

This friend has had a tough time of it recently. He was made redundant then his business failed and he has struggled to hold down a job or relationship. He has 3 dc by 2 women but has toxic relationships with both and a criminal record for assault on one of them. He is currently sleeping with 6 different women and on various dating websites and has used drugs and prostitutes. DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour and says he'd probably be doing the same under the circumstances.

He has told DH he doesn't like me but when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it.

We don't have many holidays and in the past couple of years they have been trips to the UK which have mainly revolved around him.

The influence he has over my DH is destroying our relationship and I have had enough. I have tried to talk to DH about it but all he says is that I don't have any friends so I wouldn't understand.

OP posts:
Woollycardi · 27/01/2020 10:22

My husband doesn't discuss our sex life with anyone. What are 'normal' people anyway and who does your husband think he is to tell you what is and isn't normal when he is completely enmeshed in his friends life?

diddl · 27/01/2020 10:22

Well I'd rather be a Billy no mates that have that user(?) as a friend.

Doesn't say much about your husband that he seems so desperate to have him as a friend does it?

SirVixofVixHall · 27/01/2020 10:22

I think you mean condemn rather than “condone “ as otherwise your sentences don’t make sense?
Are you worried that your DH might be gay ?

HuskyloverI · 27/01/2020 10:23

has started sending him money and talks about buying him extravagant presents

This is so bizarre and there has to be a reason for it. 2 options, I think:

  1. Your DH is bi-sexual (or secretly gay) and has some kind of relationship with the friend.
  1. Your DH wants to keep this friend on-side, because when he visits friend without you, they both indulge in prostitutes/drugs/casual sex (and he has no other friends who can offer him this lifestyle).

Does your DH ever visit this friend without you? Or when friend visits you, do they go out without you, or have time away from your home together?

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 10:24

What the fuck?!

discusses our sex life with him - this would ensure from me that there was no more sex life. No, people do not discuss their sex lives and personal details about their partners in this way. Especially to 'friends' of the opposite sex. Stop having sex with him and tell him why.

He has 3 dc by 2 women but has toxic relationships with both and a criminal record for assault on one of them. He is currently sleeping with 6 different women and on various dating websites and has used drugs and prostitutes. DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour and says he'd probably be doing the same under the circumstances. - Then you need to get rid of your DH because he is a nasty scumbag.

when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it. Well hopefully this will no longer be relevant as you're going to dump your shit of a husband, but 'expected to' can quite reasonably be answered with 'no, go fuck yourself'. Or preferably, leaving the room/building/country when the shitbag arrives.

The influence he has over my DH is destroying our relationship and I have had enough. No, it really isn't. What's destroyed your relationship is that your DH is awful. He likes this guy. He enjoys spending time with him. He thinks it's fine to treat you like a skivvy when he's there and actually tell you he's got no problem with using women for sex and treating people like shit and being violent.

You've had enough because you're done with being with this bellend, which is great news for both you and your kids. Get out asap.

Twooter · 27/01/2020 10:24

Sounds like your DH has a crush on his friend. Or else his friend could’ve blackmailing him. Or your Dh is himselfnot a pleasant man. I would get out.

Whoops75 · 27/01/2020 10:25

You’re dh and his friend have a lot in common.

They’re both awful!!

Notthebloodygym · 27/01/2020 10:26

He has told DH he doesn't like me but when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it.

Yes, really you have to find your backbone and tell him NO to every request of you that you don't like. You might also want to consider your long term future with him if these are his friends.

PerkyPomPoms · 27/01/2020 10:28

Sounds like your DH is in a relationship with this chap

kingkuta · 27/01/2020 10:29

Sounds like this man is a lot more than a friend to your DH

Bartlet · 27/01/2020 10:32

You mentioned that your dh said that you have no friends yourself. Is this correct and why is it - has your dh isolated you from people?

Your dh’s friendship is massively dysfunctional but he may not be aware if he has no other ones and you have none.

BlingLoving · 27/01/2020 10:33

Time, money, intimacy - your DH is in a relationship with this man which may or may not have got sexual but clearly it's far beyond friendship. Even if it is just a strange friendship, it's okay to have concerns that your DH is friends with a man who is clearly not a good guy in terms of the way he treats women. It's also okay not to feel the need to cater to this man when he visits. Cooking I can see if you do it usually, but doing his washing is just bizarre. Ditto, lending him your car for a day if it's convenient for you is completely different to you just handing over the keys on arrival.

I agree with PP. You have a DH problem and I'm honestly not sure how you fix it without leaving.

Also, I think you mean condemn not condone? It sounds like DH thinks his behaviour isn't weird in light of what he's gone through? Initially when you said condone I thought you meant that DH didn't think his behaviour is great but is cutting him some slack. But later, if it's actually the wrong word, then it's even worse because DH clearly sees nothing wrong with this behaviour.

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 10:39

Sorry if I sound garbled. That's what I meant anyway I will try and answer a few questions.

Yes they go out without me. All the time. 5 nights out of the 7 on one trip to the UK. DH spent 800€ on nights out on that trip. On another trip DH did a 12 hour round trip to visit this friend over the only weekend we had there and he complained they didn't have enough time together.

When he's here he wants to be out every night. We do live near a notorious seedy resort and DH tries to steer his friend away from here but never manages it.

It has crossed my mind to walk away but it feels like a petty reason to throw away a marriage.

OP posts:
calllaaalllaaammma · 27/01/2020 10:42

I think there's more going on than you know OP.
They send each other porn maybe? They go to see prostitutes/ indulge in drugs together? He might be gay.
They have a secret world that you don't know about for sure, it's not normal to be so invested in a friend like that.

helberg · 27/01/2020 10:45

You have a DH problem.
My ex had a friend like this - though not quite as bad - but bad enough.
The friend would constantly talk about me around the village and spread lies about our sex life and talk to my ex about our sex life. He wanted to split us up and was a contributing factor in the end.

I agree with this which a pp wrote:
2. Your DH wants to keep this friend on-side, because when he visits friend without you, they both indulge in prostitutes/drugs/casual sex (and he has no other friends who can offer him this lifestyle).
It turned out my ex was getting up to all sorts and every time it had something to do with this friend. Friend wanted a partner in crime and my ex went along with it. It was more to do with alcohol than drugs but prostitutes were involved. I have my suspicions about casual sex too though it was never proven. Friend was constantly trying to persuade ex to leave me as there are loads of prettier/better women out there.

Friend then got into a serious relationship and I was back together with ex at this point (more fool me). Things were quiet for a while until friend's gf got pregnant - he went wild again and my ex with him. Ex and I split. Thank goodness. Friend's relationship with gf is now on the rocks again.

Friend is a total user and only contacts my ex when he wants to party. When ex needs help with something he's nowhere to be seen and when friend's relationships are going well, similarly nowhere to be seen.
Friend is a total arsehole and a manipulator.

However, the bottom line is that the problem lay with my ex and with your DH. They go along with this shit.
Time to have a serious talk with DH about boundaries. What is and isn#t acceptable. You shouldn't have to socialize with friend at all. You're not going to do his washing and lend him your car etc.
See how DH reacts.

SonjaMorgan · 27/01/2020 10:46

Leave him and get an STI check. Talking for hours a day and sending money and gifts isn't normal. Either they are having a relationship or something more sinister is going on. Protect yourself and your children.

WheresMyChocolate · 27/01/2020 10:47

I agree with the others. My first thought was that there's more than just a platonic friendship going on here.

helberg · 27/01/2020 10:47

DH spent 800€ on nights out on that trip
On what? Prostitutes?
That's a hell of a lot of money.

How is your DH when not under this friend's influence?

ToastandCheese · 27/01/2020 10:52

OP your DH is throwing away your marriage.

LisBethSalander07 · 27/01/2020 10:53

Just because your DH is friends with him doesn't mean you have to be. Or have him in your home.

You don't have to accept any behaviour that you don't like, OP.

Nogoodusername · 27/01/2020 10:54

Goodness, that isn’t a normal friendship at all. Is your DH infatuated with this friend?

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 11:00

Yes they send each other porn.

I don't have friends really and I'm not sure why. There are few ex-pats here and I didn't gel with the other English mum's.

I am quite insecure though and when they are out I am always worried DH is looking for someone better.

The nights out are only a few times a year though. DH did 3 trips to the UK last year and friend came over twice.

OP posts:
Tooner · 27/01/2020 11:01

I would be giving my husband an ultimatum. He is absolutely taking the piss out of you and your marriage. It is not normal for most men to discuss their sex life with another man or anybody, how bloody disrespectful to you and your marriage.

It's a very weird and twisted relationship they have, God knows what's going on but I wouldn't want to be part of it.

LimpidPools · 27/01/2020 11:01

It's not a petty reason to leave OP.

  1. By discussing your sex life (and no doubt many other things) your husband is betraying your trust.
  2. This friend says he doesn't like you and instead of defending you, your husband just reports it back to you. He doesn't have your back.
  3. And yet you're still expected to skivvy for the bloke, so your husband clearly doesn't respect you. Are you supposed to skivvy for him too?
  4. He's sending family money and gifts to this arsehole.
  5. Wow, those sound like some great family holidays. #makingmemories Confused
  6. There are 3 people in your marriage.
Derbee · 27/01/2020 11:03

Your DH is definitely lying to you. He is either in a relationship with this “friend” or is overly invested in the relationship because he doesn’t want the friend to tell you about all the prostitutes he’s been having sex with.

Either way, not good OP. I think you need to tell him that things must change