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Original poster

DH heavily invested in awful friend. Advice please!

185 replies

mrsnec · 27/01/2020 09:38

My DH has been friends with a bloke we both used to work with for years. We live in different countries but DH is in contact with this friend daily. Sometimes for hours. He talks about him constantly, discusses our sex life with him has started sending him money and talks about buying him extravagant presents.

This friend has had a tough time of it recently. He was made redundant then his business failed and he has struggled to hold down a job or relationship. He has 3 dc by 2 women but has toxic relationships with both and a criminal record for assault on one of them. He is currently sleeping with 6 different women and on various dating websites and has used drugs and prostitutes. DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour and says he'd probably be doing the same under the circumstances.

He has told DH he doesn't like me but when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it.

We don't have many holidays and in the past couple of years they have been trips to the UK which have mainly revolved around him.

The influence he has over my DH is destroying our relationship and I have had enough. I have tried to talk to DH about it but all he says is that I don't have any friends so I wouldn't understand.

OP posts:
Bambooclock · 27/01/2020 13:28

Is Cyprus a signatory to the Hague Convention? Is so, then you need to be really careful if you do want to move back to the UK with your children, as they might be considered residents of Cyprus and so cannot be relocated to the UK without their fathers permission. Moving without permission would be considered child abduction and they would be returned to Cyprus.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 27/01/2020 13:37

They are either in some sort of sexual relationship, or one or both of them would like to be. You are not being at all unreasonable in wanting to end your relationship with your husband.

DH has a friend I really can't stand but he doesn't see him very often and never has him to stay, partly because once he's there you can't get rid of him. We find a compromise and we laugh about it when we can. DH understands why "Badger" and I don't get on and I do my best not to be snippy. DH is aware of Badger's shortcomings and often keeps him at arm's length himself. I understand that they have been friends since childhood.

This level of intensity in an adult friendship is not normal.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/01/2020 13:54

Please get checked out for STDs and get some legal advice.
This friend sounds dodgy as hell and sorry to say so does your husband.
Good luck.

MashedSpud · 27/01/2020 13:55

Why are you accepting this?

Get an std/sti check, get your finances sorted and make an escape plan.

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 13:57

Yes my DC would be considered Cypriot residents. It is difficult to get them out without both parent's consent.

My parents live in a small town in South Devon. They retired there from Surrey. I have no other connections. I cut ties with friend's when they were unsupportive of my miscarriage and my illness.

I don't know why we don't have friends here. We are quite rural and a lot of people we know went back to the UK because of work or education. It doesn't bother me but DH often complains about the lack of excitement in his life.

When DH talks to his friend sometimes I am involved because he Skypes him from whatever room I happen to be in. If I move DH will say I'm being rude or try and convince me that he's my friend too.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 27/01/2020 14:01

You need an exit plan, OP. It does not sound like your DH respects you at all the financial dependency is ringing alarm bells. At the very least, start looking for admin work outside of the home (so you have a reference and an independent cashflow). Get yourself checked for STDs and I would also book a solicitor's appointment to see where you stand, legally. You may encounter difficulties if you did want to return to the UK with the kids.

^^ Good advice, OP. It sounds as if your self-esteem has been affected by this unpleasant situation (unsurprisingly) so figuring out your exit strategy will make you feel more independent and you'll know exactly what your options are. There ARE other options to this disrespectful behaviour and you need to explore them.

Personally, I'd be planning to dump the DH and return to the UK, you just need to find out how to do that with the minimum legal hassle.

Gwilt160981 · 27/01/2020 14:03

Your husband seems to be treating his friend like a wife more than does you. Put your foot down and tell him his friend isn't welcome.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 27/01/2020 14:04

Don't get hung up on your parents' situation or lack of friends in the UK. You can make a fresh start with your DC. Find out about the legal process first and take it from there.

sillysmiles · 27/01/2020 14:06

That all sounds absolutely batsh1t crazy!

Is this the behaviour you want your children to model?

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 14:08

I'd find out about the legal process but tbh my ultimatum would be our marriage is over and you either come with us home, let us go without you, or we split anyway here and if you refuse to let the children leave we'll move out to somewhere else in Cyprus and you can have an even more boring isolated life on your own with less money and all the cooking and cleaning to do yourself plus solo childcare on a rota. So maybe you should come back to the UK with us and as well as sorting out what to do, you could start sorting out some of the issues in your own life which are clearly being made worse by living in some random rural bit of Cyprus with only a weird perve to talk to on Skype!

Didkdt · 27/01/2020 14:10

They do sound like lovers rather than friends I'm sorry to say
But your husnand sounds very dismissive of you as well.

NameChangeNugget · 27/01/2020 14:12

Seriously OP???

Your DH is totally the issue here. He has more issues than Vogue

🚩 🚩 🚩

squeaver · 27/01/2020 14:17

What do you think he would say if you gave him an ultimatum? Said: it's him or me?

When you challenge him about his and his friend's behaviour, what does he say? Do you challenge him, or are you afraid to?

If you didn't have this awful person in your lives, would you be happy, honestly?

YasssKween · 27/01/2020 14:20

I don't think your DH sounds gay, I think he sounds like an absolute cunt.

At best his morals are on the floor. He approves of his friend treating you like shit, talking badly about you, paying for prostitutes and being incredibly disrespectful to and about women.

If you think he spent €800 on a. I york of nights out and didn't spend a chunk of that in strip clubs / prostitutes you need to think again.

What will be bad enough for you to end this relationship? Is it only if you fine out he 'definitely' cheated on you that you'll leave?

Why wait for that? He's treating you appallingly and showing you he thinks it's ok to view women's existence as being to serve men.

He's moody because he doesn't get enough sex from you?! Him and his friend both say this?!

Fuck him off OP, how can you lie in bed next to a man who says that about you?

strawberry2017 · 27/01/2020 14:27

This is so weird, why on earth do they speak so long. I agree with PP I think you need to get an STI check just to be on the safe side.
They don't have a normal healthy friendship. There is more to the story it's just working out what.

Josette77 · 27/01/2020 14:36

A family member just split from her pastor husband who was using prostitutes. Yes, your dh has time. Yes you need a STD check.

CoolCarrie · 27/01/2020 14:38

Ffs leave your “husband” take your dc and get away from him and his weird friend.
You say your parents have met this “ friend “ what do they think about him?
You really need to leave , you and your children deserve better than this weirdness

Upstartcrones · 27/01/2020 15:22

My first husband (spoiler alert Grin) had a friend like this. They were obsessed with each other, the friend copied everything my ex did (job, motor bike, friends) it was weird. It got really weird when the friend used to go and stay with ex at the inlaws house when I wasn't there. Like they were a couple! His parents thought it was such a great friendship. When I was around he largely ignored me. It would have come to a head, only the friend was killed in a traffic accident. Looking back there was a serious crush there and I'll never know if it went further.

My advice to you, dig your tunnel to Devon and build a healthier life.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 27/01/2020 15:26

If your husband is so underwhelmed with his life OP is there any way you could persuade him to move back to the UK? Maybe the thought of being nearer his friend would entice him. If you can get him to relocate willingly with the children it would be easier to leave/divorce him once here than trying to get the DCs out of Cyprus without his consent.

Frenchw1fe · 27/01/2020 15:26

If you dh wants to visit the UK can you legally refuse to return to Cyprus with the dc?

OxfordCat · 27/01/2020 15:28

Your husband tells his friend that you "don't put out enough".

Vile.

That in itself would justify leaving him.

pinkyredrose · 27/01/2020 15:32

am sometimes scared of my husband

You are in an abusive marriage. Your husband doesn't respect you, doesn't sound like he even likes you that much.

Jux · 27/01/2020 15:33

Say yes to the holiday in the UK. Your dh can stay with his friend and you and the children can stay with your parents or a b&b near them (I'm in Devon. There are loads of b&bs). Then just stay. Perhaps your parents could look about for a house or flat you could rent, near them, and you could find some schools there.

Thinkingabout1t · 27/01/2020 15:33

OP, this is vile, definitely way outside any kind of acceptable behaviour, even allowing for this 'friend' being known as a bad-mannered lout who despises women and thinks the world revolves around him. (And why should you allow for that anyway?)

Sounds as if you and DH are both rather isolated, which is why he's clinging to his old friend.
The friend clings to DH because he gets free holidays with many other benefits; also perhaps because none of his friends in England or their wives will have anything to do with him any more.
You, I suspect put up with it because you feel you have no one to turn to except DH. And your self-esteem has been undermined by years of living with a man who prioritises his sociopathic friend above you.

It sounds as if your situation isn't at all happy, OP, despite your nice house and the business you've built up. And both the friend and your DH, who allows this behaviour in your home, are terrible role models for your children.

But I don't know if your husband is as bad as he seems at present: it could be that he's just continued in this way because the friend was spurring him on and he could get away with it.

So if you think it's worth trying to save your marriage, why not tell your husband you're not putting up with this any more? If he wants to continue living with you and DC, he must not allow his friend in your house or go on seeing him. He might even secretly welcome the chance to break away from their ageing-teenager lifestyle.

As a back-up, I would be looking at getting back to England with the DC. Some counselling might help repair your self-esteem and give you new ideas for what may be a new phase in your life.

I wish you the best of luck, OP.

Original poster
mrsnec · 27/01/2020 15:38

Dodgy friend lives 6 hours away from my parents. In an extremely affluent area of the SE. Both him and his mate are knocking on a bit and DH would struggle to find work in the UK.
DH's parents set us up in business and we live in One of their investment properties. We sold our UK house in negative equity to be near them as they were going to sign a house over to us but they never did.
The business does provide a decent income though.

My folks think dodgy perv is a freeloader who hates women. They say they will support me whatever but change the subject whenever I talk about it.

French, I considered that.

Dh hadn't mentioned him today and has been sweetness and light. We have got the dc starting at the village school next week and we'd been trying to get them in for ages it might be a chance to meet new people and feel like part of the community.

OP posts: