DH heavily invested in awful friend. Advice please!

[mrsnec]

My DH has been friends with a bloke we both used to work with for years. We live in different countries but DH is in contact with this friend daily. Sometimes for hours. He talks about him constantly, discusses our sex life with him has started sending him money and talks about buying him extravagant presents.

This friend has had a tough time of it recently. He was made redundant then his business failed and he has struggled to hold down a job or relationship. He has 3 dc by 2 women but has toxic relationships with both and a criminal record for assault on one of them. He is currently sleeping with 6 different women and on various dating websites and has used drugs and prostitutes. DH doesn't condone his friend's behaviour and says he'd probably be doing the same under the circumstances.

He has told DH he doesn't like me but when he stays here I'm expected to do his washing,cook for him and let him borrow my car and I get little thanks for it.

We don't have many holidays and in the past couple of years they have been trips to the UK which have mainly revolved around him.

The influence he has over my DH is destroying our relationship and I have had enough. I have tried to talk to DH about it but all he says is that I don't have any friends so I wouldn't understand.

1. Go shopping for self esteem and dignity 2) Go shopping for a divorce attorney 3) Go see a psychotherapist and discuss why you would tolerate this insanity 4) Kick his disrespectful ass out 5) Buy him and his boyfriend a congratulations card upon their engagement because they sound like a committed couple

He has told DH he doesn't like me

Then why is your DH giving him ANY time at ALL?????

Did you move to where you are for work? Or is it your home (bit confused there)

To the best of my knowledge, English blokes don't discuss their marital sex lives with their friends. Some might brag if they're sleeping around.

Your DH sounds like he has a 'thing' for his friend. But either way, both sound horrible and I wouldn't put up with it.

Why are you with him?

If my dh friend told him that he disliked me then I know my dh wouldnt be friends with him. I would LTB

You deserve so much more because your dh sounds scummy to be honest.. Also no my dh doesn't talk about our sex life and vice versa and he doesn't send porn to any of his friends either... That's quite wierd :S

I really hope this thread can help you see the light.

You sound very sad and it's time to recognise you can change your life. Imagine how much better it could be. Living somewhere else. Without this toxic influence. Without a husband who has no respect for you.

I'm not a knee-jerk LTB poster but I can't see any other way forward for you.

You need to leave this toxic relationship for your own sanity and for your children’s welfare. I also think you need to make a lot more effort to gain some friends. You’ll need their support when your relationship eventually implodes.

Which country/area are you living in? Maybe some of us could suggest groups you could join?

Both DH and the friend are as English as you like and insist normal people discuss their sex lives all the time.

No they don't. My OH would be hideously embarrassed discussing our sex life with anyone. I do but in the most general terms, and all of them flattering.

You have two very good reasons to end your marriage. 1. Your husband is in a relationship with another man. I don't know what kind of relationship but it's way too close. 2. Your husband is horrible. Either of these is marriage ending. Together, you have every reason to run.

If someone told my partner that they didn't like me and then expected to come into my house and have me serve them, I would throw them both out onto the street.

That's so disrespectful.

The fact that your husband is willing to maintain a friendship with someone who thinks this is okay is bewildering.

You need to have a serious talk with him.
Make him choose. You or the friend.

I never say 'you have a DH problem, OP' as I find it trite and unthinking usually.

This is literally my first. You have a DH problem, OP.

Hmm, I really feel for you OP.

My husband's 'best man':

• drink drives
• cheated on his pregnant fiance
• lied to my husband repeatedly and eventually bailed out of the wedding
• steals
• if a woman flirts with DH when they're out, he'll encourage him to 'go for it'

One of my top rules is that we are none of us immune from people's bad behaviour. If they do it to other people, they will do it to you. This was proved when he let my husband down for the wedding.

The thing is, my husband is an incredibly tolerant person. He was also on the receiving end of some low-level bullying at school (including from this toss pot), and he's an enormous people-pleaser. He's very moral and for want of a better word 'well behaved', though he gets carried away with feeling he has to be 'cool' to fit in. They talk about nothing of any emotional significance, except when the dickhead lurches into his latest self-manufactured crisis.

I was bloody proud of him this weekend, when his friend ghosted him for a birthday drink and he said he wasn't fussed about chasing him for his birthday, and he shouldn't be the one doing the chasing.

My tips, for what they're worth:

• Be incredibly clear and calm in saying that the hosting stops NOW, you're not prepared to have sex with him if it's going to be shared, and that you're no longer comfortable with this man's presence in your life. So from now on, he has to facilitate this relationship outside the home.

• Allow him a reasonable amount of time to do this. Say, a brief catch up twice a week, or a night out once a week (whatever suits you best really). Do not allow it to substitute for your family time.

• Be clear that the consequences for this could be your relationship breaking down. Not a threat, but a course of action you want to try.

• If you can, after the first few steps, move far enough away that those meets ups are sadly less possible!

I never treat the dickhead as a source of strain in my relationship. I call out his dickhead actions, and help my husband maintain his own boundaries. I have mine within our home.

All that advice is obviously IF you feel there's something worth salvaging.

I had something similar with my DP a few years ago. My no-self-esteem DP was initially attracted to the guy's confidence, intelligence and sense of humour but after they went through a traumatic event together (well, traumatic for DP, but the guy was there) DP grew emotionally dependent on the guy at well. What DP couldn't see, though, was that the guy was (is) a user, and took great delight in having DP run around after him, whilst DP fell for his sob stories left, right and centre.

That would have been bad enough, but I got the feeling that the friend really despised women, and DP picked up on this and started treating me appallingly. Luckily DP let me put my foot down about this guy coming to our house though he did try and persuade me to invite him for Christmas dinner one year as the poor guy would be on his own (his own fault). The funny thing was DP wasn't actually going to be there, and knew I wanted the time alone and was looking forward to it, but still thought I should accommodate his poor lonely friend! I didn't.

I was upset about the situation, as well as being concerned, and other friends voiced their concern to both me and DP. Nothing changed, though, until DP saw it for himself (no idea how) - like an alcoholic, the desire for change had to come from within.

DP still runs around after the guy to some extent, but has voiced more than once that he wishes he didn't, and he will say no to him now. It has taken many years to get to this point, though.

I'm honestly not sure there's anything much you can do. The more you try and break their bond, the more your DH will fight to keep it. Your only choice is to wait it through (and hope it does, eventually dissolve) or walk and leave them to it.

This reads more like him having a mistress than a mate? If they were opposite sex we’d all be yelling “emotional affair’.

I’m assuming from what you have said that the two of you are not the same nationality? He is English and you are some other nationality/culture? If so he is using the supposed cultural differences to try and bamboozle you. It is not ‘English’ to discuss your married sex life with your mate, I’d go as far as to say it’s the opposite of English!

Whatever the reason is for his being so close to this unpleasant individual, cultural or otherwise, you don’t have to tolerate him if you don’t want to. If you don’t like him you can be polite but frosty. You don’t have to wait on him or lend him your car or even be present when he visits. If you would prefer your DH to stop discussing your sex life you can make that request. Cultural differences are no reason to disrespect your partners wishes.

I am a couples therapist (what was once called marriage guidance). I see a lot of mixed race couples who come to me saying that cultural differences are coming between them. What it often meant that they were having the usual differences that arise when you live with someone but could use ‘but it’s my culture’ as a reason to refuse to compromise. Once you set up a household with two different cultures feeding into it, it cannot be completely one or the other. Unless one person is prepared to completely subjugate themselves the new household has to become an unique amalgam of both. I found very often that one or both partners unconsciously thought one culture was a superior one and this was then used as a way to control the other ‘inferior’ person - is this what’s happening here? That he is trying to impose his unacceptable ways on you because he can claim they are English and therefore ‘better’?

Sorry to rant on a bit. I’ve seen so much bullying go on in the name of ‘culture’ it makes my blood boil!! You and him need to take a long hard look at what is going on here and decide how you want to proceed. Some counselling, either as a couple or singly, might help.

I think the friend is bitter about how life has treated him and uses sex as a crutch.

They have another friend who regularly uses prostitutes and convinced the friend it would make him feel better. He talks about his need for sex. My TH agrees and their issue with me is that I don't put out often enough so the friend dislikes me because I make Dh miserable by being rubbish in bed apparently.

The thing is I know this guy would leave us alone if he found a committed relationship but he's scared of commitment now because of his past and he's saying he's not hurting anyone and they all know about each other.I feel like he's trying to sell his lifestyle to DH.

I'm in Cyprus. We have a lovely house and a business and 12 years of marriage.it is a lot to walk away from.

It reads as if you are a beard.

Sorry OP, I agree with PPs that your DH has a secret life that you know nothing about.

I know of a gay bloke who about 25 years ago was friends with a married man. The gay guy was not "out". The wife would make pointed comments about the amount of time they spent together. With good reason as the two men were having sex.

The fact that your DH associates with someone who is into drugs, prostitutes, has a conviction for assault; the fact he is so involved with him, that they swap porn and he spends hundreds of euros on nights out with him..... all of this makes me very afraid for you.

Please get an STI test asap and stop all sexual relations with him for the sake of your health. I can't see any good coming out of staying in this marriage. Sorry, OP.

I make Dh miserable by being rubbish in bed apparently.

Right, stuff the lovely house and the business and the 12 years of marriage.

If my DP told a 'friend' of his this (or a 'friend' said it to him and DP happily parroted it back to me), he'd be out on his ear. And we've been together over 20 years.

If you can, after the first few steps, move far enough away that those meets ups are sadly less possible!

From the second sentence of the OP We live in different countries but DH is in contact with this friend daily. Otherwise, sound advice

If anyone, family or friend, told my dh that they didn’t like me he would tell them to go fuck themselves and the relationship would be over. He’s even gone nc with a close family member due to the way they treated me. And I would for him.
That’s all really!

Disliking the kind of person your husband is a pefectly good reason to end a marriage. He just doesn't sound like a good or nice person that makes you happy.

Your husband should be the best person you know - on mumsnet people seem the marry the worst people they can find and then make excuses not to leave them!

Christ on a bike! Your husband is fucking awful, just like his scummy friend. I'd rather live in a council flat than put up with a man like this.

Is Brighton the seedy coastal resort?

Your dh has betrayed you utterly and yet you speak of it being a petty reason for leaving him? Petty???? - absolutely not. No. It is about as bad as it can be without him actually hitting you.

Leave him. Sorry, this isn't going to change until you do something to stop it and as you dh isn't interested in your opinion talking isn't going to help.

Leave him.

It has crossed my mind to walk away but it feels like a petty reason to throw away a marriage

There is nothing petty about leaving a "relationship" like yours.

Go - and get yourself checked for STIs, because the odds are the your "D"H is shagging everything he gats a chance to/

Read FizzyGreenWater's post and take in what she says - every word is gold dust to you. You and your children deserve better than this.

No. Not Brighton. We live near seedy holiday resort in the Med.

Yes they go out without me. All the time. 5 nights out of the 7 on one trip to the UK. DH spent 800€ on nights out on that trip. On another trip DH did a 12 hour round trip to visit this friend over the only weekend we had there and he complained they didn't have enough time together

What do you think your DH spent the 800 Euro's on? Hint hint....women.

When he's here he wants to be out every night. We do live near a notorious seedy resort and DH tries to steer his friend away from here but never manages it

Quelle Surprise.

They have another friend who regularly uses prostitutes and convinced the friend it would make him feel better. He talks about his need for sex. My DH agrees and their issue with me is that I don't put out often enough so the friend dislikes me because I make Dh miserable by being rubbish in bed apparently

So, let's look at the facts. Your DH as 2 friends who use prostitutes. Your DH doesn't see the issue with this. Your DH actively wants to spend as much time as possible with these 2 men. Without you.

These are the plain facts. Now let's ask : Why do you think this is?

The reason is staring me in the face : he likes that lifestyle and is also using prostitutes when he is with them. Or picking up random women for sex. His reasoning is that the other 2 do it, so it can't be that bad, ans it's only fair, because he's not getting enough sex at home.

He probably knows that if he dumps his friend, that the friend will tell you what has been going on. If this happens, your DH has already lay the ground work to have an excuse : "you don't have enough sex with me"

I'm shocked that you can't see what is blatantly obvious.

This is all bad enough, without even mentioning that your DH has told his friends that you are shit in bed.

Carry on with this marriage if you must. But I guarantee you that your DH is shagging around.

Is his phone on lock down? I already know the answer to this.