Dating thread 182 - keeping our irons warm by the fireplace

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@TheCatWithTheHat

You will find someone better, who wants what you want. You are a great person

We left it with a passionate chemistry ridden snog and I think he’s giving me some space

I asked if I could see him and he said that we would have to be out all day so I assume that I wouldn't be able to go to their homes or just see him for a few hours. He just doesn't seem to be the same person as he used to be. All stupid excuses from him. I deserve to be treated better and to be dating someone who wants to see me and puts in as much effort as I do

@bangheadhere40 even if it was ‘just’ humour that’s pretty bad taste and suggests an incompatibilr sense of humour. You’re invested in him and he knows it so should be making an extra effort to reassure you.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I wouldn’t wait two weeks. I think I once went 3 weeks between dates with Mr R but I think there was a holiday / work thing. Unless there’s a good reason - and those don’t sound like good reasons. I would be inclined to give him two or three suggested dates to meet up in the next fortnight, and if he can’t be pinned down then i’d text ending it. Having said that the lying about age is dodgy, and the medical appointment pressure.

@Dancerinthemoonlight where does he live then if he is always at his mums or sisters?

He has a flat but apparently hates living there. He spent 2 weeks at his mum's/sisters over Christmas. Then on 19th January went to his mum's for about a week. Was back for a few days then his dad picked him up on Wednesday night because he is still under his mum's address for hospital and doctors. He stayed there for a few days and went to his sister's on Saturday and as far as I know is still there

Do you see how odd this all sounds as you wrote it down @Dancerinthemoonlight?
Why are you chasing him to see you? I'd send a text ending it now and delete him. Do you have him on social media? Does 192 show where he lives and who with?

@dancerinthemoonlight, who messages who ? Are you initiating all the chat ? If you are I would pull back for a day or two and see what happens. He may just like the attention that you give him. I had a fair few guys who would message me at one point but I never initiated the conversations because for the most part I knew that none of them were right for me. But I liked the attention and my phone pinging every few minutes. When I met Mr Van I told most of them I had met someone and the messages dried up. Now Mr Van is off the scene ( I think) I am missing that attention. I have had to tell myself this during the last week but why hold on for something that isn't happening when you could be out finding someone who is interested

I do see how odd it all sounds. I don't have him on any social media. He is still registered at his mum's

I messaged him saying that I have a lot on my mind and texted back saying yh so do I, we will talk soon. I want a conversation with him before I end things.

@dancer he doesn't sound keen at all from that reply sorry! It would have been nice of him to ask you what is wrong.....I would just delete I think, he's not being very nice at all to you and sounds a bit passive-aggressive.

Although it's much easier to look at other's situations objectively. ( rather than my own)...I meant that you deserve better than that response!

Blunt message alert to noone in particular at all

Remember these 'men' are not going to treat any of you any better than you treat yourselves. If you don't show boundaries to things that you know is rubbish they will keep spinning the yarn.

Sometimes I wonder how men can get away with cheating or poor behaviour but when I read some posts in Relationship threads not just here, it becomes clearer.

It's funny how easy it can be to tell someone else to end a relationship than ourselves but if you'd advise a friend to do x, then maybe you should take some of your own good advice

Be kind to yourselves please

Omg. Just seen an old ‘date’ on three different sites. He lied and lies about his age and has now even changed his name..sorry, but what a total d&&&.. What is wrong with these individuals?

I can understand maybe he doesn’t feel comfy inviting you to someone else’s house but the out all day thing is odd.

Agree @saltysally. If i've learned anything it's that - unless you want a relationship where you chase for answers, spend your time detangling mixed messages and half truths and generally feeling confused - the only option is to take the question of 'what's happening' out of the other person's hands and back into your own. No amount of chemistry, connection etc is worth it. It has to be the complete article.

Good advice from @saltysally there. When I look back at my failed relationships I can see, in hindsight, how I allowed myself to be treated so poorly. By having no boundaries. By constantly giving another chance. Setting ultimatums and not sticking to them. I didn't value myself in the relationship so why should they?

@dancerinthemoonlight it sounds unlikely he has a flat. Have you been to it? He's hiding something from you. And he really doesn't show any interest in seeing you again. What do you want to get out of a conversation with him at this point? What would you say to a friend who was being treated like this? Or to one of us on here?

@bangheadhere40 is there still no sign of a date set up? Is his wife still on his address on the electoral roll? Again I think he's hiding something from you.

@Notcoolmum still no sign! I am not interacting as much though, and am trying to chat to new irons! They weren't married but her name is still down, which ties in with what he said that they haven't sorted the house out. I agree with @salty completely, and @notcool about trying to decode stuff is just not worth the energy! It's just such hard work trying to find new irons that click, or that want to speak to you!

She should only be registered on 192 if she actually lives there though @bangheadhere40 regardless of whether her name is still on the mortgage. I think we could run a private investigations agency on this thread!!

My potential iron for Friday sounds nice, whether the date will happen though is still not 100% after reading how people flake all the time!

Never underestimate the amount of men who will actually have partners/unconcluded marriages etc and pass the 'we're seperated but it's complicated' line. Seen it far too often turn out that the 'ex' wife had no clue they were separating, or thought they were working on it etc.

Hey @TheCatWithTheHat I felt much the same as you when a short relationship ended in August. I castigated myself for reading it wrong and doubted myself tremendously about that. In part that was because the previous long term relationship had been so shit, that the amount of affection and appreciation I received was really nice to bathe in, but it was mostly because I'd been dating for more than two years and hadn't come across someone I could let myself go with quite so easily. It was as if I finally knew what I was capable of.

It's tough when it ends; tough on them too. They harboured hopes and don't want you to be hurt. They took a chance on you with that hope - be thankful that someone sees you that way and appreciate that is down to you and the positive way you approach dating.

On dating in the aftermath, I unfurled a lot of grief, the dating after that when I got back to it was never going to work in retrospect - everyone fell short and flat as I was searching for the same feeling I had before, not just in myself but from the other direction. And that's just not allowing people to be themselves and also a bit ridiculous to be holding them to a standard that actually didn't turn out too well for me.

Take care and look after yourself in the next few weeks. Exercise to take your mind off it. Meditation videos to get to sleep etc. Once that settles down you might be equipped to unpick it all.

Yes I have been to his flat and stayed round there. I would say that something's wrong in the situation and it doesn't all add up

Dancer at the very least it sounds like a 'failure to launch' - he's a grown man, why the hell is he running back to Mum all the time??

Re: 192 - at the end of last year it was showing me living at the former matrimonial home with my exh, even though I'd been living somewhere else for 3 and a half years! And was on the electoral roll at my new place. It's not that accurate. I asked to have all my information removed from it.