Dating thread 182 - keeping our irons warm by the fireplace

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@lovemusic yes I am realising that. He talks about meeting again, how much he likes me but doesn't expect me to wait.

In reality he doesn't like me enough or he wouldn't say that I don't think. I am certainly emotionally distancing myself from him now.

Sorry to hear that @bangheadhere40 and @TheCatWithTheHat but I think it's better for you both to know where you stand rather than feel like you're being kept dangling. Hopefully you can both start to move forward now. So my iron who was so keen to meet me this morning has this evening deleted his profile on match! So he can't have been that keen to meet me! Is everyone you meet online a complete nutcase ?!

I don't think I can overlook the issues I have with Mr G. I think I have probably already overlooked a few signs already, but was charmed by him. And now that we've been seeing each other for a while, the charm is wearing thin. I know some people would try to work things out, but this is a LDR and is supposed to be fun, light-hearted, happy times. I don't want to drudge through working something out. I suddenly feel like I need to be single for a long, long time. I jumped into OLD with the goal of separating myself emotionally from my previous lifestyle, which has worked successfully, but never intended to get into a relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore.

So, now what? He has no idea I feel this way, it's going to be a complete shock.

@PerfectPretender you've sounded pretty smitten until now. Is this a wobble, or really the end? If you aren't up for a relationship and don't see anything or anyone working out right now then I'd say so and end it.

But if not, just mention your issues to Mr G and see what he says? He might want to work on changing things.

@sexy thanks
..I think for me anyway I don't like a lot of men enough so it's hard when you meet one you do ☹ but it's worse to be kept dangling!

Most men are odd on there, it's such a headfuck!

@PerfectPretender Did I miss something? That happened with Mr G?

I just feel like my eyes have been opened a bit, and I recognise that I am probably more vulnerable than I'd like to admit to myself. I'm attempting to undo decades of conditioning from a coercive controller in my ex and a lifelong religious affiliation.

I have been smitten! Definitely. He's been lots of fun and I've enjoyed our time together. But something feels off all of a sudden and after a lifetime of ignoring my intuition and early warning signs, I need to sit up and take notice sooner rather than later.

I mentioned some concerns I had a few pages back, sunshine. I've been thinking about it a lot and trying to parse out why I feel kind of sick about everything. I haven't shared all my thoughts or examples of his behaviour, tbf, so probably why my jump in thinking is appearing so sudden.

Bang I agree, it is a head fuck. There are not many men I feel a spark with (I’ve probably been on over 100 dates in the past 4 years) but when I do it’s always with someone who doesn’t feel the same .

In the last month I have stopped messaging all the (what I call) “danglers”, the people who I have dated but they haven’t wanted to commit for what ever reason but feel it’s ok to message me every so often asking how I am or if I would like to meet up (for sex), I’m not giving these people space in my head anymore, if they were really interested then they would have put the effort in a long time ago. So now my phone hardly pings, I’m not really talking to anyone, it feels odd but much less stressful.

@PerfectPretender I think if you have any doubts or concerns you need to end it. After being in an abusive marriage I need a man who I feel safe and secure with and you've already said you don't feel like that with him. You've not told us everything but I found what you did tell us a bit disturbing especially the bit about trying to make you drink the wine after you'd said you didn't like it I can't understand why anyone would do that. If you're seeing red flags you're seeing them for a reason. Pay attention.

@@lovemusic agree completely, I have had lots of dates but the ones I like don't like me! Maybe because we are more aloof with the ones we don't bother about 🤔

I agree the stress isn't worth it and the danglers need to go. Maybe one day it will be reciprocated

I'll be ok. I don't want to have this conversation though. I don't even know what to say.

Tell him you are having an affair with me and we are running off into the sunset

Sounds lovely, I will.

Hooray! And with that PP and Salty broke rule 10 but lived happily ever after. The end.

@menora I hope the chat goes well tonight. I don't think knit needed to be done face to face when you have known him a week? Reading your posts here it does seem hat things start quite intensely with you. It seems you had 3 dates with Mr Muddle in about a week including having him to your house. You also say you aren't ready for a relationship but both Mr M's seem to have moved quite quickly. This is just an observation from your posts. I wondered if it would be wise to slow things down and just do one meet up a week until you are more sure of what you think of them?

Good luck @PerfectPretender clearly you know what is right for you. And awesome work of applying and sticking to your boundaries.

@TheCatWithTheHat, I'm sorry that things didn't work out how you had hoped; I'm glad she was honest with you.
@PerfectPretender, that's sad to hear, but good that your intuition is being heard
@menora I hope all goes ok.

Well, I'm back after date 2 with mr boat - it turned into a 5 hour date . I'm probably not allowed on the smitten bench yet, but please can someone plump a cushion or two ready for my arrival?
I have genuinely never experienced this before - such utter comfort and easiness in a man's company, time evaporating and not wanting it to end. And, he's the same...
...sigh...

@TheCatWithTheHat I'm sorry it didn't work out. I felt you had a lot of hope invested in her and that she was stringing you along a bit. Hopefully you now can meet someone who really appreciates you

But something feels off all of a sudden and after a lifetime of ignoring my intuition and early warning signs, I need to sit up and take notice sooner rather than later.
@perfectpretender I would say that is bang on the money. Don't ignore it and don't get talked out of it. This is exactly what your intuition is for!

Excellent @undecidedsofa I'm moving to the overinvested naughty corner so there's plenty of space

@catinthehat sorry to hear that but at least u know now and can move on. I agree she was stringing u along and that was unfair.

@bangheadhere I feel like I mostly message mr builder 1st and he replies. I just keep on doing it lol 🙈 I do think if he didnt want to reply of it was bothering him he'd say. we have been meeting at least weekly tho too. dont know if I'd continue to message 1st if we weren't meeting so frequently?

is meeting your irons neighbours a milestone? lol was dropping him off today and ended up being introduced 😂

Thanks all - I just feel really upset. Have spent the evening over at my Mum's, crying. I'm feeling still going over things she said, and trying to make sense of it - but as so many people here said, if she was really into me she would have made the effort.

I did ask if she thought we had as good a connection as I thought, and her reply was that she liked spending time with me, but her life was too stressful to know if it could have turned into anything more. So I guess that answers that one. But she gave so many signs during our time together that she was into me, so I really don't know.

I guess I need to delete her chat from WhatsApp and her number now? That feels really hard, but I think I know I need to do it to move on.

If they aren't initiating @bangheadhere40 I delete the chat and their contact. Suggested by @supercali77 if they are interested they will get back in touch.

@TheCatWithTheHat yes you really should delete her now. It's hard but you know now she didn't feel the connection the same way you did. It hurts but this has dragged on for a while now. You can move on now you know where she's at.

@saltysally ...budge over, I’ll bring snacks & wine...