Dating thread 182 - keeping our irons warm by the fireplace

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Dancer I think you know what you have to do. Things should be fun at this stage, he shouldn’t be telling you off for silly things like putting the milk away, it sounds like he has a few issues, I would walk/run a mile.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

He does sound a little controlling, and maybe like everything has to be on his terms? and lying about his age isn't good...sounds like he has from the two instances you have mentioned unfortunately.

@Dancerinthemoonlight doesn't sound great if I'm honest, just a bit controlling. Do you think it's one of those things where now Xmas is over, he feels like he has you where he wants you so doesn't need to make an effort. How long have you been together?

He's at his sister's or his wife's dancer? When did you last see him? Not having a date arranged would be enough of a reason for me to walk. But the other stuff sounds really weird.

@Lovemusic33 its a funny time of year but will pick up I'm sure. Maybe take the time to care for yourself whilst you can

I have been seeing him for 3 months now. That's exactly what it feels like. All the effort on his part is gone. He was so lovely at the beginning, seeing each other a few times a week and now going weeks between seeing each other. I last saw him on 10th January. I know life gets busy but he isn't working at the moment so he really has no excuse not to see me. I have no idea why I haven't met any of his friends or siblings yet. He has previously said it's a big thing for him to introduce someone he is dating to his family but has met my family and some of my friends (I don't have a wide social circle) He seems to go running home to his mum all the time even though he says they don't have a good relationship, this is a 31 or 35 year old man depending on if he has lied about his age.

What are the appropriate times to be meeting friends, siblings and parents? I have never met siblings or friends of anyone I have dates because my first relationship was long term, emotially abusive and his mum and sister lived abroad so never met them and since then I have had a series of short relationships

@dancerinthemoonlight, I think the truest thing that can be said about dating and being in a relationship is that people find the time to see you if they want to. Or they sustain proper, thoughtful communication until such time as they can get to see you in person. I know once emotions or hopes are involved it's difficult to walk away or not want to find a way through but it seems at the moment he's not really reaching out to you in the way you might want or need

Just catching up with the thread. Had a mad busy weekend out with friends and dealing with the twat of an ex.

Sorry catwith at least now you know

perfect yep red flags I would say. Sorry it’s not worked out for you.

Not sure what’s gonna happen with me and big. I’m all in and he says he is but I’m just not feeling it. I don’t know if we just need time to transition or if I just need to admit that his feelings for me are not as strong as mine for him. We just cannot see each regular enough unless we introduce kids and that feels too big a step. We have a lovely date planned for the weekend and the following so will see how that goes but I honestly think I need someone to be a bigger part of my life

@dancerinthemoonlight I think it’s early to meet family. For friends it depends on the level of interaction he has with them but it’s not odd to me not to have met friends after 3 months

However not seeing him for 3 weeks out of 3 months is a lot. I’ve been seeing mr g nearly that and we’ve increased the amount of time
We see each other from every few weeks to twice a week over that time. What’s the reason he can’t meet at the moment

Do you both have kids @Dancerinthemoonlight what excuses if he giving you for not seeing you. Why don't be working.
I've never had an iron that didn't push to see more of me. I think he's seeing someone else. Either an existing relationship or he's met someone new. Sorry.

I've not met Mr B's friends. He has met a few of mine. He's met my kids (older teenagers) in passing. And I've met his son and mum on a day out. It's been over 6 months.

Age thing has riled me in the past too. A couple have tried sustaining lie. Bottom line is, if it’s really not comfortable then it’s not the right arrangement for you..

Meeting friends is hard to generalize about. I'm not sure I'll do that with MrN's friends or he with mine for a while longer. It's been 5 months of regular dating. But I don't think that's what we are heading towards. I think we'd keep very separate lives out of choice even if things go on for a while longer.

@bangheadhere40 I am so angry on your behalf. Usually i’m honest and I don’t believe in games but I would want to hit Mr NotStraight in the ego and send a message that ‘i’ve met someone else who fulfils my needs’ even if I hadn’t.

Neither of us have children so it not like it's different child care arrangements. There never really is an excuse of why he can't see me. If he is at his mum's or sisters it's because we would have to be out all day but if he is at his then there isn't an excuse. I ask if I'm going to see him that week and he either says I don't know or a certain day

Thanks for all the kind comments everyone - it's actually made me cry reading them this morning - all your support is overwhelming.

I've taken the day off work as I could hardly sleep last night. Hopefully I'll bounce back soon enough, but it's really painful at the moment, and I can't stop thinking about her.

@shitwithsugaron that's interesting you say that. I think I'd done similar with my 8 year relationship so although that was very hard for the first week or two, I felt OK much sooner than I was expecting. How long did it take for you to get over your 4 month one? I'm glad to see things are going well with Mr List.

@Menora thanks - I'd like to move on too, but there were many things about her I really liked, so I worry it's going to take a while to find someone who I like as much.

How did you leave things with Mr Muddle? I don't drink a huge amount, but have been on weekends like that with friends where I join in and it is all a bit messy, so depends if it really was a one-off for him or if he's just saying that to tell you what you want to hear.

@Dancerinthemoonlight if you’ve not seen him for 3 weeks and childcare is not an issue then it does seem a long time. For me even thou we have kids we always meet on a Wednesday then on a Friday or Sunday which we discuss on wed. After 3 months there Should be some rhythm to seeing each other

There should always been consistency. Even with my ex who was 2 timing me there was consistency with when we would see each other. I know I probably shouldn't but I'm going to give him 2 weeks to see if anything at all changes but if nothing does then I'm going to have to break things off with him. He was so lovely at the beginning but it seems as if things have changed. Maybe it was love bombing. Do I have to do it in person or would a text/phone call be okay? I hate to do that but I have seen him when he has been angry and while I'd like to say he wouldn't do anything you can just never tell.

Innit doesn't have to be in person. He can't be bothered to make time for you so why should you? Not sure why you are giving it another 2 weeks to be honest. He's not seen you for 3 weeks neither of you have children and he's not working. He's just not that into you. I'm sorry.

Plus he has lied about his age (what else has he lied about). Made you feel awkward about agreeing to take him to his hospital appointment.

I really think he's met someone else or his long term partner has suspected he's cheating.

Why do you have to be out all day. Can't he come to yours?

If I was to see him when he is at his sister's or at his mum's then we would have to be out all day. Although now typing it that does sound fishy, if he didn't want to introduce me as his girlfriend he could say I was a friend. This early on in a relationship it should be fun, easy and eating to see more of each other not going weeks without seeing each other and him not seeming bothered.

Why do I seem to have such terrible luck with men?

Thank you all for helping me see clearly

Why do you have to be out all day ? Do your mean you can’t go to their homes or he can’t just meet you for a few hours ?

Thanks @StealthNinjaMum I know from meeting him in person he was very different and lovely when we met, it's these messages, can't tell if humour or if there is some meaning to it and he enjoys the so called 'funny' digs..... I would need to meet him again to decide, but can't see that happening.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I don't think you need to tell him in person, he's not showing you much respect is he, so I would just send the text, expecially if you think he may get angry.

@TheCatWithTheHat I hope you feel a bit better soon, are you still going to go on your date later?

Also with Mr Grandad who I asked out for Friday and he said yes, we haven't firmed up plans yet. When do people think I should leave it until before asking about arrangments? or should I leave it to him?....I suggested it.