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Original poster

Do you think that some people are just unloveable?

228 replies

NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 20:24

That's it really.

Do you think that some people are just simply unloveable?

As in they don't possess any of the qualities required for someone to love them? Or, if they do, it is simply not enough to outweigh their unloveableness.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/01/2020 20:29

I think it is limited to people that have seriously damaging personality disorders and that don't rein themselves in.

So true narcissists and psychopaths probably. Mainly they don't love others...

Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 20:37

I had a physically and emotionally abusive childhood and beyond. I've had therapy and I'm in a good place personally but I am unloveable.

My parents told me I didn't possess any of the qualities necessary for someone to love me. I think I do now. Maybe I always did. Not necessarily the qualities they meant but they are my qualities and maybe someone could love me for them. But it never seems to be quite enough.

It makes me very sad at times. Like a huge, suffocating weight I carry round inside my chest.

OP posts:
Graciebutterfly · 22/01/2020 20:43

There are so really nasty fucked up men ( and women) Mainly men I'm talking about who are loved and loved a lot even when they act badly.

No one is unloveable.
But they may not be able to return the love they receive

RandomMess · 22/01/2020 20:43

They were wrong, they were the unlovable ones.

Head and heat can be very difficult to align Thanks

Graciebutterfly · 22/01/2020 20:45

Just to let you know Op I gave so much to my ex, we had a dc, home, holidays and lots of sex. At times I was his therapist and still he binned off for some online hook up.

What I'm saying you don't have to be enough you are enough as long as your true to yourself xx

user3575796673 · 22/01/2020 20:46

I think some people who've survived abuse are left with the intense feeling of being unloveable. So intense that it forms part of their core beliefs about themselves, despite the fact it's not actually true.

And that was what I intended to say prior to reading your second post.

Having read it, I would add that one of the most important jobs of a parent is to instil in their child the unquestionable belief that they are loved and loveable. This is why emotional abuse and neglect cause such catastrophic damage.

I am so sorry your parents let you down so badly.

That you still feel unloveable is a legacy of the abuse you suffered. It's not a truth.

Did any of your therapy address this particular core belief of yours? Or would you consider using some of the strategies from your therapy to work on it?

OpheliaBalthasar · 22/01/2020 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SophieSong · 22/01/2020 20:51

I think you need more therapy to tackle this belief. You say it as fact but it’s not fact, it’s a cruel thing some fucked up people who you had the misfortune of being born to told you.

Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 20:53

It's such a deep belief that is reinforced by life that I can't unpick it.

I get that my parents were flawed and that they shouldn't have said it all but everything they said about me is objectively true.

I'm just finding it very hard to deal with at the moment. Sometimes I can go for months and it doesn't bother me so much. For the past couple of months it's been a constant, inescapable sadness and pain in my heart that just wont go away or stop or even lessen for a short time. I've had no respite from it for weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 20:56

It feels like a fact and all the evidence of my life only supports it.

I know that sounds pathetic. It's not meant to but I want to believe it's not true. I want to find evidence that it isn't so I can say "see, it's not true! It was all lies!" But the evidence only supports it.

I've had therapy. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 17. I'm approaching 50. It's too late for me now.

I just want the pain and the sadness to go away. I could cope with it if it didn't hurt so badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 21:00

You were and are lovable. It’s just that they were incapable of love.

But I've never been loved by anyone else either.

OP posts:
AceOfShades · 22/01/2020 21:18

Oh, of course you're not unlovable. It's not too late for you either! 50 is still young!
Do you get many opportunities to meet people? Work/interests hobbies etc?

Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 21:25

Yes. I meet loads of people. I have a couple of very sociable music based hobbies that provide the opportunity to meet new people all the time. And I do. And I've recently started a new job
.
Those aspects of my life are fine.

In terms of meeting people in general, I have no issues.

I've still never been loved.

OP posts:
ErinLee93 · 22/01/2020 21:31

I have a personality disorder that I do find difficult to rein in, and it has ruined many relationships and means I end up attracting the wrong kind of men. But I don’t think it means I’m unlovable, and neither are you @NeverBeenLoved it’s never too late. I agree with @AceOfShades about getting out and meeting new people. You sound like you need a good confidence boost, and maybe hobbies and getting out and mixing with lots of people would help. Learn to love yourself first, it seems like your self esteem has taken a bit of a bashing over the years. Work on yourself and get out there.... there’s someone out there for everyone. Think positively

Lalalabrador · 22/01/2020 21:36

I have BPD. I was mentally abused as a child. I didn’t get my needs met and I developed unhealthy ways to cope with the pain. I am unlovable too. The cycle is so hard too break.

Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 21:38

Thanks. I can't get out any more than I already do! I'm in a band. We rehearse weekly and gig a couple of times a month. I have a couple of other music ventures and I've met loads of new people through these.

I mix with loads of people. I dont have the time or the inclination to do more hobbies or meet more people than I already do. It's hard enough keeping up with the people I already know!

Besides, I'm not really sure how meeting more people would change things, if I'm honest. People often suggest it. If the implication is that I will meet a man then, tbh, men generally aren't interested in me. I very rarely meet someone who is interested me and even more rarely meet someone who I am interested in.

But this isn't really about that. I'm not lamenting being single. I'm sad because of the legacy of being told I'm unloveable.

The biggest problem is that the things I was told made me unloveable are true. I'm not going to deny it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 21:39

Lalalabrador ❤

OP posts:
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 22/01/2020 21:53

No it's absolutely not true. Babies don't have any traits but their parents feel love for them before they are even born, they love them no matter what with a love that is all consuming just because the baby exists. If your parents were unable to do this for you then the fault is theirs entirely. The most terrible people are loved not because they deserve it, but they are. I'm sure you are perfectly lovable and I'm sorry that you haven't found someone.

Classof66 · 22/01/2020 21:55

I feel exactly the same

IrenetheQuaint · 22/01/2020 21:59

Do you have close friends, OP? Or relatives you are close to?

Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 22:00

Thanks. But it's not really about having found someone or met someone. I don't have any expectations of that. I mean, it would be lovely but I just don't see it ever happening. I don't think I'd know it if it did.

OP posts:
Misty9 · 22/01/2020 22:02

Do you like yourself? I had a pretty neglectful childhood and never felt loved or lovable. And I still haven't felt loved by a significant other (had the misfortune to marry a man with autism who can't love) but I do feel loved by friends and I am starting to like myself. I don't think I'll ever love myself, so perhaps I'll never feel loved by anyone else as its so alien to me. But I'm happy with liking myself as that's progress. Have you looked into self compassion? Flowers life is tough

Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 22:03

Classof66 ❤

IrenetheQuaint I have friends. Not really close ones - a couple of closer ones maybe. I dont have any family. Both my parents were only children. I have a sibling who see about 4 times a year but they were also damaged by our upbringing and I find them very difficult to he around for extended periods of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 22:05

Do I like myself?

I like some aspects - most aspects - of myself.

There are a couple of things that were pointed out to me as contributing to my unloveability that I still struggle with but most things, I'm ok with.

I could tell you all the things I think are my positive qualities.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 22/01/2020 22:07

OP, have you looked at how to flirt?

I wonder if you are waiting for a man to "choose" you (partly due to feeling you aren't good enough and therefore shouldn't be choosing someone for yourself) ... but the problem with this is that it's actually the woman who chooses the man first, with looks and body language, giving him the go ahead and the confidence, to make a move.

My suspicion is that it isn't so much that men simply aren't interested, more that you are inadvertently indicating to them that you aren't interested and they then leave you alone.

Just worth a thought.

FWIW, I don't think for a second that you're unlovable. Your simply in a bad place due to a hard life. You're only 50, there is so much possibility ahead for you. 💐

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