Do you think that some people are just unloveable?

[NeverBeenLoved]

That's it really.

Do you think that some people are just simply unloveable?

As in they don't possess any of the qualities required for someone to love them? Or, if they do, it is simply not enough to outweigh their unloveableness.

@NeverBeenLoved your post has made me cry.

To feel that you're unlovable when you have listed so many amazing qualities.

I wish I could give you the biggest cuddle ever and love you as a friend.

A PP mentioned getting a dog. It may sound ridiculous, but the love of a dog heals many wounds.

I always say, I want to be the person my dog thinks I am. They love you soooo much.

I hope you find love soon, wether it be from a friend, a lover or an animal.

What do you mean they were issues for the men you've met too?

Well, namely that my bum is too big. I'm fairly petite but I don't carry weight well so, despite being a size 10/12, and having an apparently reasonable figure, I don't look nice naked. I think men are quite shocked when they see me naked. Well, I know they are.

Yes, my mum was very focused on appearances. My dad never really said much of anything in that respect.

I feel like it all the time. Some times, like now, it's worse than others and is a physical pain. Other times it's just a sad and unfortunate 'truth'.

I can't have a dog - I'm out of the house and away a lot. It wouldnt be fair to have pets.

Sometimes it's hard to receive love if we don't have a model for what it is or how it feels.

I understand this and it's something ove thought about often. But love isnt being 'offered' for me to receive.

I'm exhausted. I need to sleep now. Thank you so.much for the replies. I'll read them again and reply to any I've missed in the morning.

I think your parents taught you never to expect love, and so you never have

This is very true.

But it's never been offered for me to reject either. I don't think.

I will read that article.

Can't you find others in your circle of acquaintances who also have issues with their childhood/ self-esteem/ relationships who you can get to know better.
Your posts sound as though it's only you having this problem. But ime everyone has problems , or believe they have problems, though not often as extreme as yours. Do you talk about your childhood? Perhaps you come over as super capable and not needing anyone.

OP fight that idea with all your might!

It is called 'negative Internal introject'.

It means you take the projected AGGRESSION and contempt of others and absorb it as a reality.

It is not a reality. It is the dustbin of dark matter other people dumped on you.

Keep going to therapy, and if I can suggest a real life changer: Al Anon or the other co dependent groups of the 12 Steps.

The 12 Steps is a blueprint on how to live an authentic, connected life of integrity.
It is a hidden gift.
It is also free group therapy.

Regarding your bum:

You mean Kim Kardashian ugly?

That ugly that women spend $$$$ getting implants to get what you got?

If you change the way you see things, the things you see, change

I truly don't think you're unlovable. Your mother was a real piece of work, similar to mine.

There are plenty of men out there who 'love' a woman for the sex, if she makes him look good to his peers, if her life revolves around his. They're not capable of love. They don't care to know her, her interests, they don't really know their children either. She gets sick with cancer or something, he's gone. Midlife crisis, he's gone.

The abundance of those types may seem to make women who aren't docile and compliant unlovable. It's not true though. Your mother was hyper critical and not loving. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her not being able to love.

I've been married 2x. 1st DH, pretty sure he loved me but it came at a price; controlling, alcoholic.

2nd H just pretended to love me. He said my success made him feel inferior. He said he was jealous and resentful.

I keep hoping there will be just 1 guy out there who can love without being, insecure, expecting me to kowtow to him, etc.

I've wondered sometimes if I'm unlovable as I am? Because I don't smile and defer?

YOU ARE LOVEABLE
Your mum did a number on you -,probably jealous
Looks have nothing to do with being loveable

Think about Marilyn Monroe
When told that everyone loved her she said
'Why don't I feel it?'

I think it means if you can't feel your worth doesn't matter how many people love you - you won't feel it.

You need ti keep doing the therapy until until you can rid of the lies your mother told you.

I've been where you have and come out the other side.

Good luck

You mean Kim Kardashian ugly?

Not quite that bad! But have you seen what people (men) say about it online?

MissSmith1

Yes, a couple. But they are all loved by their partners and know they are.

But then, trying to be in a relationship always makes it worse because it just reminds me of it all and throws it into sharp relief, so all the suggestions to go out and meet someone, or reassurances that I might, are not a solution either.

It is called 'negative Internal introject'.

I've not heard of that but it does make sense. But it's all I can see.

I do look at the messages and feedback from other people around me and it just reaffirms it.

MissSmith1

And I can assure you, men don't like it.

Sorry, last comment was to ScreamingLadySutch

I don't want to be a novelty or a fetish. I don't want people to comment. I just want to be loved. By someone who feels lucky to have met and to know me.

And my arse is such an impediment to dressing nicely and to having sex. The rest of me is 'normal'. No one wants a girlfriend with a big bum.

What?! Plenty of men want that OP.
Absolutely loads.

I really do think the PP is right and you've taken the vile lies your parents said to you and internalised them as truth and now project them as "what men are thinking".

I also think that your mother was probably jealous.

Re: style, if you dress "alternative", that will reduce the approaches you get as most men won't be looking for alternative. I would say that the options are to either affect a more standard dress style or to joins groups and clubs where there are men who prefer the alternative style.

It's not all about looks.
I know some really sexy ugly men
But nothing I can say will convince you if your mother's programming is so deeply entrenched entrenched.

Please get a good therapist who can unpick all this.

You could try this book OP
here
By Louise Hay, its flowery and a bit woo but has affirmations which actually worked for me when I tried them amazingly
It's republished regularly so some people must have faith in it.

This is hard, your mother / parents have let you down. Your internal narrative is too skewed and it’s not surprising given what you heard by people who love or were meant to live you.

It doesn’t sound as if your figure would be an issue for many, it’s more in these days to have a slim waist and a bigger bum.

Thanks, MissSmith. I have that book. And the affirmation cards. I've got them dotted around the house on mirrors etc but the words just seem pretty hollow most of the time 🙄

I know some really sexy ugly men

I do know what you're saying but it's only ever women who tell me I'm sexy! And only ever my straight friends so...

PicsInRed

I'm not hugely alternative, just that my style has an alternative edge to it. I used to be a super goth many moons ago. Now I suppose I look like someone who was a super goth many moons ago. I still wear DMs. I suppose my style is 'quirky' rather than 'alternative' and I spend a lot of time with a broad mix of people - from proper die hard punks to quite conservative people and it doesn't really make any difference.

What?! Plenty of men want that OP.
No, some might say they do and they might think they do. But the reality is different. The only men who regard it positively are fetishsing it. It just becomes about wanting to 'fuck' me - I don't really matter. And I find that hugely unattractive. Most men are a little embarrassed that they have that girlfriend and would really rather prefer to have a girlfriend with a nice small bottom. Which seems to be amplified by not having one!

Honestly, get therapy (if you can). I used to feel like you do and I had therapy and it very much changed my life.

I do believe that until we can love ourselves we cant attract live from others. Vicious circle.. you didnt feel loved by parents, you grew up thinking you were unlovable, you then didn't attract experiences of being loved and it reinforced your belief about being unlovable. I know that one well.

You need a skilled therapist to break this.

OP I’ve not commented as I think you’re dealing with some really complicated stuff and I didn’t feel qualified. But now you’ve brought up my area of expertise...

No one wants a girlfriend with a big bum.

Absolute bollocks. And that is your mother speaking. I have a big bum (and extremely flat chested too boot). I’m a size 8 and it is v out of proportion with the rest of me. If I put on weight it develops its own gravitational pull. The teenage years fucked me up but then I realised some men love it. That doesn’t make me a fetish or a novelty. It’s how attraction works. Yes some men don’t really care about the tiny boobs and love the bum.

It took me a long time to accept this. My mum has the same figure and hates it. My father was very rude about it (her’s and sometimes mine). I was brought up to believe it’s horrible. But they were wrong. Two fucked up people did not know what other people would find attractive. My mum still goes on about her body and now I find it tragic - and tell her as such.

I really really urge you to get some therapy. You say you’ve blossomed in the past year. Something positive is already underway and I think therapy would really help.

You sound fabulous. Really fabulous. But something is holding you back. I think the lack of close friends is more telling. I’m so sorry that your parents did such a number on you.

Try to look on it differently, OP.
All men want to fuck - you have them wanting that early on, you just make them wait until you're ready (which helps sort the wheat from the chaff).

Yes, they might find having a girlfriend with an envied feature difficult - if you were gifted a priceless Ming vase, wouldn't you feel nervous about keeping it or losing it? It's not necessarily that they're embarrassed by the attention, but that they're worried that they'll lose you to it...or to another man.

Some will be controlling men, making negative comments to bring you down to stop you "straying". Have you done the Freedom Programme? Google also "negging".

Can you start something new that will therefore take you out of yourself. You seem to have life/ hobbies / social life all sorted. Try running, or horseriding or painting or mountain climbing, something which you can't do so you are dependent on others to learn.

I know I sound really negative and like I have problem for every solution 🙄 but this is my experience and why I find it so frustrating.

I know what the perceived wisdom is, it just doesn't seem to work for, or apply to, me. So I wonder how many other people it doesn't apply to either.

Therapy helped loads. I now pretty much accept myself. Like I said, I know what my positive qualities are. I know where my strengths lie and I like me.

My sadness and frustration comes from the fact that it has had absolutely no bearing on how others see me.

And I know I'm not supposed to care and all that but I can't help that I do. Even the people I know who have had difficult- awful upbringing including parental suicide and abandonment have still found acceptance and love in their lives.

Which is why I begin to question whether it is actually something about me that makes me unloveable.

As others have said, even awful people who do awful things are loved. Which brings it back to it being something really innate. It realy makes no difference how good a life I lead or the sort of person i am.

I think you sound lovely too!

Have you ever had heart to hearts with your friends about how you feel? What do they say?

How do you imagine your life would be if you were ‘loveable’? x