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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you think that some people are just unloveable?

228 replies

NeverBeenLoved · 22/01/2020 20:24

That's it really.

Do you think that some people are just simply unloveable?

As in they don't possess any of the qualities required for someone to love them? Or, if they do, it is simply not enough to outweigh their unloveableness.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 25/01/2020 08:31

*The only men who show interest are these men. That I'm older and single just makes me appear an easy target for these men.

It frustrates me because some of them have been friends before it happened.*

It is an unpleasant effect of being single (long or short term) past your 20s (early 30s) that the vast majority of people you meet are in relationships; that's just demographics .... and of those a portion are cheating chancers.

GilbertMarkham · 25/01/2020 08:32

Oh and they weren't friends. The vast majority of men cant be true friends with a woman one.

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 08:34

GilbertMarkham

That's a good point about separating the two issues... thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 08:36

Well, in some cases they were, in some they weren't and in some I was a friend of the family so friends with their wife too.

I don't like to think that men can't be friends with women. It's just a bit tragic that! And I have a few male friends that I have no interest in.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 25/01/2020 08:39

I can think of a dozen stories off the top of my head like this; a lady I know originally from a hobby was single long-term (decades) after a divorce from her cheating husband, she told me she was come onto by numerous attached men including a work colleague (whom she found difficult to deal with because they had previously been in great terms and seemingly friends) and also people like a married man in holiday with his wife and kids - whom she'd made polite, friendly conversation with several times ... When he got her alone, he started taking about coming to her room that evening and how she must be so lonely.

She had tonnes if this shit and as she said "only met people she liked who were married" but eventually tried a new hobby, was approached by a widower:s female relative and agreed to go on a sort of blind date with him and has been in a relationship with him since then. This took from her 30s to nearly 60.

Nothing to do with what stupid shit her abusive parents spouted about her, had they done so.

GilbertMarkham · 25/01/2020 08:46

Another lady I worked with, again divorced from the sort of guy who has kids with three or four different women, has been single long long term. She is nice looking relative to her age and very outgoing, bubbly and friendly. She lives in a huge old house owned by her family, rents out some rooms and also had people to stay when they're in her area because she had so much space. The people who've stayed have includes married men whom she thought were friends (she was friends with them through their wives) and from what she told me every one of them (without exception I believe) tried it on with her when they stayed. Repeatedly, even when she politely but firmly rejected their advances and talked about their wives.

She's still single, I think.

It's not you!

GilbertMarkham · 25/01/2020 08:49

I don't like to think that men can't be friends with women. It's just a bit tragic that! And I have a few male friends that I have no interest in.

In my experience only the vast minority of men can.

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 08:56

Yeah all of that sounds pretty familiar!!

But I guess that was only a side point really. Just to clarify what I'd said previously.

I suppose where I am now is feeling that this has gone on for so long, I'm not even sure I'd be able to have a relationship. I've got so many thought patterns that would be incompatible with a relationship, even if I did meet someone who was interested. Including that I would trust their motivations.

But then I come back to, it's not really something I have to worry about anyway.

Just weighs really heavy on me that the older I get, the less likely it is to happen for many reasons.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 25/01/2020 08:59

Incidentally the first lady, who has been in a relationship for several years now; I wouldn't say the relationship is perfect and wonderful and all about love etc. They have broken up twice due to his apparent ambivalence - though they've been back together now quite a while. She lives with him part of the week but lives in her own home the rest of the time. They do lots of breaks, trios and holidays together. They are each others plus one for events and family things ... It's about company, companionship and it's quite pragmatic in many ways. This is the reality of relationships in many cases. It's important not to idealise. Not trying to patronise but it seems like that's part of your problem here; idealisation and extreme thinking.

*Sorry, not the only ones. That's a bit simplistic.

But. as I said previously, the single ones aren't interested 'enough' so that even when I have dated, it's their lack of interest that has ended it. And I've known that, in some cases, it's not because of a lack of compatibility, it's because they didn't imagine themselves with someone who looked like me and just couldn't get past that.*

How do you know it's your looks that made them not continue the relationship, things are not often that simple. Unless you asked and they gave you (which most people won't) a brutally honest feedback saying it was your looks, you don't know.

GilbertMarkham · 25/01/2020 09:06

If it were all about looks, noone conventionally attractive would ever get dumped, which they do!

I agree it's your thought patterns/behavioural patterns. I'm no psychologist though and am not sure how to approach that other than the ol classic counselling. .. and just trying to date and break the patterns.

You can just date for fun and company, it doesn't have to be s relationship, it doesn't have to go anywhere, you can reject people too ... I'm sure you have if you think about it, you just don't focus on it and only think about your rejections.

GilbertMarkham · 25/01/2020 09:14

Btw having read your op again, I think user3575796673 nailed it on the first page.

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 09:15

It's about company, companionship and it's quite pragmatic in many ways.

I don't expect it to be idealistic romantic love - all hearts and flowers n all.

I mean more in the sense that I would want to be treated with kindness and consideration and respect. I would want someone who cared about me. For whom I was a priority. Someone who looked forward to seeing me and was interested in me.

But the idea of having a 'companion'; a named person who was my plus one and to accompany me to things makes me a little sad.

Perhaps I am too old for it now.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 09:18

You can just date for fun and company, it doesn't have to be s relationship

But not even that is an option and, tbh, I have other things I like to do with my time. I'm not really interested in casual dating tbh.That's all I've ever had. I've had a lifetime of 'casual dating' when it has happened. I want something real or not at all.

But that would require someone to not be put off by me.

OP posts:

QuentinWinters · 25/01/2020 11:07

I'm not really interested in casual dating tbh.That's I've ever had. I've had a lifetime of 'casual dating' when it has happened. I want something real or not at all.

See, that in itself will be of putting to potential partners because it's a lot of pressure when you don't really know each other. And that is off putting in a way that's nothing to do with looks or personality.

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 11:30

There are no 'potential partners'.

But this has become about why I'm single and it's not really about that. I might not like it but I know why I'm single.

I don't 'date'. It's not an option.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 11:34

I dont see how it can be off putting to know that you're not interested in casual dating. Loads of people aren't!

Just dating for the sake of it so that I'm not stuck at home on a Saturday night isn't of any interest to me. If I weren't genuinely interested in someone, why would I bother?

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 12:32

I think another issue is that I always feel better about myself when I'm not seeing anyone. On the occasions I have tried dating, I always feel worse about myself. It's not good for my confidence or self esteem and I think that contributes to me breaking up with them.

OP posts:

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 25/01/2020 16:21

This thread is turning into a 'Yebbut'

OP has lots of helpful suggestions and to each replies 'Yeah but...'

Frustrating for those of us trying to help

Thinkingaboutsummer2020 · 25/01/2020 17:05

The ‘yebbut’ is 30 years of walls that make the unlovableness a self-fulfilling prophecy x

Eckhart · 25/01/2020 17:20

I think essentially, OP, you sound convinced that you're unlikely to be able to have a relationship, so that'll be the vibe you're giving off. You're not doing it on purpose, and men are probably not even aware they're responding to it.

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 20:58

The ‘yebbut’ is 30 years of walls that make the unlovableness a self-fulfilling prophecy

I know I'm doing it too. On here at least. It's just that every response triggers a memory of when I've tried to do it differently.

I probably do have walls. Huge ones. I thought I'd broken a lot of them down. Obviously not x

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 25/01/2020 21:10

Eckhart you're probably right.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 25/01/2020 21:16

Are your parents still abusing you, OP?

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 26/01/2020 01:15

No. One is dead and I havent had any contact with the other for nearly 10 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverBeenLoved · 26/01/2020 01:16

But, evidently, abuse is the gift that keeps kn giving 🙄

OP posts:

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