Do you think that some people are just unloveable?

[NeverBeenLoved]

That's it really.

Do you think that some people are just simply unloveable?

As in they don't possess any of the qualities required for someone to love them? Or, if they do, it is simply not enough to outweigh their unloveableness.

Please do - tell me your positive qualities that is

I agree with RandomMess .

But someone like the OP is definitely loveable - they've just been conditioned to believe that they aren't.

I think if you're rarely meeting people you're interested in, it's probably just a vibe you're giving out. I can't speak for anybody else but personally if I'm surrounded by people I'm not interested in (relationship/sex/platonically, whatever) then I'm a different person. I come alight when surrounded by people that 'spark' me.

Have you worked out what sort of person you would find attractive? Then you'll know where to go and look for them.

Don't forget that the focus isn't just on how attractive are. It's also about how you are, and how attractive the other person is for you. It only has to happen with one person and you could be set for life.

It's not you OP, it was them.

You are loveable, your only problem is that you don't believe you are and either people pick up on it some how or you are so sure you are unloveable you close things off on that presumption.

I would like to know all the things you think are your positives

*those were meant to be brackets, not

I'd be interested to know what the qualities are that you think make you unloveable.

Here are some of my qualities: I am stubborn, irritable, overly emotional, messy, disorganised, snappy, inattentive.

I'm still lovable. I can't think of a quality that would make someone unloveable.

Did you hear of the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve". I think your parents taught you never to expect love, and so you never have. It's not because you are unloveable.

Do you mean you don’t think you are lovable in terms of sexual love; you say you have friends and it’s quite possible, and in fact probable, that friends love you

Listing your positives is a great thing to do, but listing (not here!) what you think is unlovable about yourself might be very useful. Like Partysong, unless you're an axe murderer or something, there's not much that could render a person unlovable. I just think your parents were utterly horrible to you and you've internalised the lies they told you, as all kids do. If they couldn't love you, that's a failing in them as parents, not a failing in you as an individual.

What they told you wasn't true, OP.

I’m so sorry you feel this way, OP. When we can’t give ourselves love and acceptance, we can’t accept it from other people - and sometimes we can’t see it when others are trying to give us love. In fact, considering that we might after all be loveable is threatening. You are not alone in feeling like this; back when you were a child you weren’t given what you needed to grow into someone who knew deep down that they were acceptable. If you can, find a therapist who is able to do some inner child work with you. You deserve to experience yourself as worthy of love, because you are.

'You deserve to experience yourself as worthy of love, because you are.'

Well said.

Oh god I know exactly that heavy feeling of the pain you are carrying around. My parents told me they loved me a lot (and still do) but also that love was conditional and there were a lot of problems with the way I am for me to work on, I am adopted so I think primed to expect people to leave me. I felt unlovable for a long time and I am still very uncertain about my potential to be loved. I have chosen a wonderful man to have a relationship with but he really struggles to express love and particularly compassion for me. I recognise now that for many people who expect those things that would be a deal breaker. So I do feel like I may never feel totally comfortable with the idea that I am loved by him. However I love my best friend so much and know she loves me. She also feels unlovable so I know intellectually that some wonderful people feel that way and she thinks that about me. It has helped. I am in therapy and have been for more than a decade. It has helped. Some days I feel, like you, that I am objectively crap. Trust me we are NOT objective. You can not see what others see. If you are capable of loving then I have no doubt at all that you are lovable. If life seems to substantiate otherwise (ie you have been left a lot or loved imperfectly?) then I would suggest that is because you don’t expect to be loved/don’t really know what it looks like and might tolerate things others wouldn’t. Just my thoughts. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could help. It’s the worst feeling. You do know somewhere that you couldn’t feel this way about anyone else in the world right? That it’s only really possible to feel this way about oneself?
PS I see and analytical psychologist for therapy, it’s the third kind of therapy I have tried and is the one that’s been working for me.

I don't know Pics. In the past, that was certainly the case. I flirt quite comfortably now, I think. But I'm always just seen as 'one of the lads' or just not 'considered'.

My female friends get approached, married or single. But even when I'm out with them, laughing and having a good time, they're approached by men and I'm not. On the rare occasions I do meet someone, it doesn't go anywhere through lack of interest on their part.

Maybe you're right though. Although, I have been told before that I'm very approachable.

Misty9

I'm intelligent and I have a professional career. I'm kind, compassionate, loyal and faithful. I slightly alternative style. I dress well for my figure, I get my hair done regularly (I only mention these because I see dressing well and getting your hair done mentioned often on here). I'm told I'm 'quirky' - as a compliment. I'm not preoccupied with the superficial or material trappings and I'm often told these are attractive qualities. I'm quietly confident and independent. I'm 'humble'. I dont take myself too seriously. I'm able to laugh at myself and I'm not bothered about making a fool of myself if it's good natured and entertaining. I'm musical. I've been told recently that I've "really blossomed" over the past year or so.

I suppose I just don't think I'm what men are looking for generally but, either way. I've never been loved. No one has ever come close to loving me.

What are the positive things about you OP? xx

Just wanted to comment as your post jumped out at me. I've just sat in therapy assessment today saying almost exactly this. I feel totally unlovable & more precisely, not deserving of it. I have my son, so I've put to bed any stupid notion of having a DP.

This is going to sound really flippant, but if finances and your lifestyle allow it,get a dog.

Having someone bursting with joy everytime you walk through the door, even if you just go to the bathroom is priceless. You will be loved and adored and needed.

Sometimes it's hard to receive love if we don't have a model for what it is or how it feels.

It sounds like you still have yet to shift from child to accountability adulthood. You still accept your parents world view as superior and correct nothing will shift until you address

That's a good place to start and no one is unloveable but more people struggle to recognise healthy love

So lots of positive things. Is feeling unlovable a constant thing or is it stronger when triggered by certain events? What would suggest to you that you are lovable? Apart from having a partner. I'm now single again and modern dating is triggering me left right and centre! But, with systemic therapy I am coming to realise that I am enough just as I am. Is feeling lovable the only goal? Or could there be a lower one? Like feeling good enough?

Even hitler had a girlfriend! There’s really no such thing as unlovable. It just takes some of us longer than others to meet that person, some people never meet that person. It died to mean that they are unlovable, just unlucky.

This might be interesting www.theguardian.com/science/2020/jan/10/psychotherapy-childhood-mental-health

Thank you for all the replies!

The unloveable qualities I was told about growing up were everything - there was never a single positive. I have small feet - size 3 - and slim ankles. I was told they only make the rest of me look 'bigger'. I have a small waist and i was told the same about that - it just made my bum look bigger than it was. My hair was too mousey (it hasn't been my natural colour since I was 15 and now it's silver anyway). I'm not pretty - although I think I'm quite attractive regardless. Although I'm told I was an ugly baby/child. Just about every aspect of my physical appearance and character/personality was criticised - from the shape of my nails to the 'cow lick' of my hairline and the fact I blush easily. I was too quiet or too loud. I'm not, nor was I ever, 'well behaved' enough (read compliant). I'm too opinionated, too intelligent, too challenging, too stubborn, too questioning. I critically evaluate rather than 'accept'. I was always either "too much" or "not enough" and, ultimately, just not loveable.

All of those things are true. To a degree.

The physical aspects of me are the same or 'more' as the years go by and I'm very conscious of that. Those, amongst other things I was criticised for have turned out to be an issue for men I have met.

I'm not subservient, I will stand up for myself. I have no problem saying "no". I have a very low tolerance for shitty behaviour. I challenge racist, sexist, homophobic comments without thought for whether I should or not. I'm not confrontational, and I'm always polite/respectful, but I'm not afraid to speak up for what I think is right. I'm not jealous but I dont tolerate disrespect. I don't have any 'people pleasing' qualities. I do what I think is right and kind and just.

I doubt Hitler thought he was unlovable...

Bloody hell, your parents were a bit obsessed with appearances then?! I think you sound lovely. Being kind and compassionate are way more important than how you look... What do you mean they were issues for the men you've met too? Have a read of that article. Unfortunately those of us who feel unlovable tend to attract/gravitate towards those who can't or won't meet our needs, and who replicate our childhood experiences. But we can change that.

I challenge racist, sexist, homophobic comments without thought for whether Ishouldor not

What I mean by that is I don't give a thought to whether this person should be challenged or if this is the right time. Obviously, I moderate what I say for the audience/situatio .

Off to sleep but feel free to pm me if you like