Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

[Interestedwoman]

I'm not going into grizzly details in this original post as I'm on Relationships rather than Sex board, but will give more detail in the thread if people request it.

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

I did do these things early on (a lot of people are wilder at the start of something I think) but gradually decided they weren't for me- or there are some things I've never liked, which I've made clear from the start.

I have bipolar and was in a ridiculously horny phase when we started seeing each other. I also have more insecurities about my body at the moment as I put on a bit of weight.

Another thing he's said is that most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like) and says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it, as I could be missing out.

Interested in your opinions :)

OP you state you are Bi Polar, have ADHD with Autistic tendencies. (If I remember correctly) You have had episodes of high mania. Are you perhaps also Borderline Personality Disorder? If so, that translates to someone who is easily talked into risky situations. In fact attracted to risky situations. And unable to establish what that might involve ultimately. In other words you enjoy risk and actually get off on it. But then blame others for your risky behaviour. Hence your post and unwillingness to take on board others advice.
And yes, lots of 'therpaists' are screwed up. They go into the profession as they feel they have experienced some fucked up situations. So there are a lot of 'therapists' out there. Doesn't mean you should join them. Please take a step back and don't project your own fucked up perspective on others. Focus on getting yourself well.

Oh god. I just don't know where to start. I'm not a therapist but it's clear that this is totally dysfunctional, every bit of it. For some reason you seem to need to maintain this drama and I think your boundaries are way way off being anywhere healthy.

He is a creep, a predator and a narcissist. He's got another lover. He isn't great sexually. He's selfish. He belittles your trauma. What on earth is making you cling to this utter steaming turd of a situation?

I wouldn't engage with him at all. Block block block. You won't convince him he's wrong. Narcissists are never wrong. The drama of the arguments will be fuelling him. Stringing you along is fuelling him. The fact that he postures as a therapist and preys on clearly vulnerable people (and make no mistake, this is exactly what is happening) makes me sick to my stomach.

' In fact attracted to risky situations. And unable to establish what that might involve ultimately. In other words you enjoy risk and actually get off on it. But then blame others for your risky behaviour. Hence your post and unwillingness to take on board others advice.'

@NotLangyButLangy No not really, and I find that quite offensive actually. I'm very risk avoidant, unless I'm in a manic episode, which are several years apart. I'm a homebody, and just like to see friends for coffee or maybe a wine. :) I have a lot of social anxiety so I avoid a lot of situations.

I have bipolar and so sometimes I'm not entirely in control of my behaviour- that's a fact of how bipolar works, people become disinhibited etc and they do things they wouldn't do in the normal run of things. That's not me making excuses- it's a fact.

If it weren't for 'Bob' I would never have been in an adult cinema- he took me there.

I also did other things I would never usually do with someone I never would as I knew he was dodgy.

All people with bipolar can do is try and recognise early warning signs, seek help, add extra meds appropriately. I was under a consultant at the time who didn't manage my condition well (the nurses at the hospital said they would back me up in suing him if I needed to, as I had a rape and also a hospital admission which the nurses, without prompting from me, said was a result of his negligence.

A lot of people with bipolar do things they wouldn't usually do outside and episode. They to an extent can't help it (except if possible to be lucky enough to have a decent consultant etc, as I do now) and they have to try and forgive themselves.

They can get into massive of debt they wouldn't in their normal state, be unfaithful, the list goes on. It's an illness, an episodic one, which they can't entirely help, they can only try and manage.

'Hence your post and unwillingness to take on board others advice.''

I have taken on board the advice and had a conversation with the bloke and said we will no longer have a sexual relationship.

'So there are a lot of 'therapists' out there. Doesn't mean you should join them.'

As I've said, I've no intention of joining them. I'm doing a course primarily for my own self-improvement.

'Please take a step back and don't project your own fucked up perspective on others'

I don't know what you're on about here, except it's very rude and insulting and I will be reporting it.

' For some reason you seem to need to maintain this drama'

@carlywurly Not particularly. I want him as a friend as I only have 1 other friend I see regularly, and I'm sure he has some ok qualities. I won't be doing any of the sexual stuff he wants anymore.

OMG! He wants you to go to therapy to make you like doing something you dont like (but that he wants to do to you). That is majorly fucked up. he sounds like a jerk and not someone who is good for you to be around.

Op, he just isn't capable of being a good friend to you.

But OP he's not interested in you other than for sex. He's told you that. He said he will be Furness and expects the sex stuff to start again. That is all he wants from you. He is a sexual predator.

I can't stress enough that this man is not your friend. You would. It treat a friend the way he has treated you.

You have said before how you have read posts on here and found it unbelievable the woman can't see the situation she is in. Your situation has shocked me more than any other I've read on mumsnet for the sheer predatory nature and manipulation of a vulnerable woman.

Friends. Not Furness!!

@Notcoolmum Thanks for your message.

'But OP he's not interested in you other than for sex.'

A couple of times he's said stuff like that. It's kind of hilarious in a way when he makes these comments, as it's beyond transparent- the mask has slipped a little or something.

But he always claimed (usually!) that the friendship was the most important thing. I live in hope. Time will tell. :) He can't reject me any more cruelly than he did in Autumn 2018 anyway, and I'm a stronger person now. If anything does go wrong, he won't break me. :) I'll make sure of that. Plus, I have more hobbies and my own plans etc now.

He isn’t a friend. You are deluded if you think he is.

BTW Who diagnosed you with being bipolar?

@Tfgjiknfr Are you thinking I'm just self-diagnosed or something? :/ Couldn't be further from the truth. I've been in hospital four times with bipolar, assessed and treated for it by several experienced consultants and teams in different parts of the country over the years. They all reached the same conclusions on observation for weeks during admissions.

I don't make a habit of the risky behaviours etc in the usual run of things. I'm not saying I don't have other issues (ADHD with autistic features etc) in the normal run of things, but not this.

I asked because I didn’t know if you were officially diagnosed or not. I hadn’t assumed anything.

I was diagnosed about 19 years ago, when I was 24. Been treated for it ever since, including admissions etc.

This is in no way a friendship by any stretch of the imagination.
You are an extremely vulnerable woman and he has put you through some really awful degrading stuff OP.
He's awful beyond words and I can see how you are drawn to his high intelligence and how he has drawn you in to his warped world.

You are trying to convince yourself that you are emotionally and mentally strong enough to cope with this man's deviant behaviour when it's the last thing you are capable of doing.

He is causing you a lot of extreme and unnecessary emotional stress and risking your mental health....you cannot keep this predator in your life.

He has absolutely zero respect for you as a human being.
He's a puppet master, devious, unkind, sexual deviant/predator who will never respect your boundaries.

He's a total liar....telling you that he doesn't know anything about BP. Also conveniently has selective memory loss when it suits him.
He's absolutely bloody evil.

You deserve so much better OP than being used and violated by this monster.

The only way you will ever be able to work on building your self esteem and confidence again is if you do it without him in your life.

I have taken on board the advice and had a conversation with the bloke and said we will no longer have a sexual relationship.

I hope for your sake that you stick to this. Look after yourself OP

I'm not sure if you can see how he's manipulating you. He said he might not see you again then changes his mind then says you might have sex again anyway. That's him telling you that's what he wants and that if he won't get it again eventually he'll stop seeing you - he almost used it as a threat. He's completely taking advantage of you and now you've raised it, he'll try to step back a little before wanting it all back the way it was before. Everyone here is telling you what he's doing, there' not one person here saying 'oh he sounds great!' - is there?

You want to be friends but he wants way more than that and do you know what? I bet if you don't give into him again he will vanish from your life. He is not friend material! He never will be. There are plenty of other people out there who are and who will not use you like he is doing.

Also, this is why I personally NEVER go to male therapists. I doubt from what you've said that he is NHS employee - or is he? :(

The thought of telling a man like this the sexual abuse and traumas that I have experienced in my life in therapy absolutely sickens me, scares me and makes me very very angry. Who knows what a man like this is thinking when women tell him those sorts of experiences? He probably gets a kick out of hearing it. and then he is off using women like yourself to live out his fantasies. It's beyond sick.

I would say Raise your standards as well. What a crappy situation this is.This guy sounds weird and loopy.

@ShatnerWig thanks for the reminder!

@Interestedwoman best of luck. Learning to be with yourself? Best relationship you will ever have.
There is an integrity filled little girl waiting for you to notice her, and start listening to her.
She will keep you out of dangerous situations because she is the voice of integrity, but its hard for you to take notice of her when everybody squashed her.

PS Bob needs reporting.

Sick vile predator.

Notice how quickly he brought sex up?????

He is not your friend.

I have taken on board the advice and had a conversation with the bloke and said we will no longer have a sexual relationship.

This man is far too manipulative to have any relationship with. ‘Staying friends’, is a excuse to keep one foot in a highly dangerous entanglement. Walk away.

He will withhold his friendship until you have sex with him again for sure. He will blow hot and cold until you can't stand the cold and do anything to turn the heat back up. I'm unfollowing this thread now as it's too upsetting to see someone carrying on in such a damaging situation.

Good luck.

You are doing really well, OP, and I know it's really hard to get your head around the idea that someone who is close to you is not only bad for you, but actively trying to hurt you (he is, BTW - his actions towards you are deliberate and calculated).

The thing is, we can all see this guy for what he is, and we are appalled and anxious for you. We want you to get away from him RIGHT NOW and never see or speak to him ever again, because this guy had hurt you, is hurting you right now, and has plans to hurt you even worse in the future.

You are in the trap of thinking "but if I can only explain to him why his actions upset me, then he'll stop doing it" He won't. He likes making you feel bad. He likes manipulatng you, seeing how far you'll go to please him, being in control of your emotions, being able to get you to do things you don't want to.

You make so many excuses for him - despite saying he's a genius (and BTW, I bet that's just what he's told you) you seem convinced he is never doing any of this cruel, manipulative stuff on purpose.

It is on purpose. He will never admit that, or agree with you (one of his favourite, best ever games seems to be talking you into thinking that everything is your fault really) and you are never going to get him to see it your way. He had no interest in changing - why should he, this way works out very nicely for him.

Hang on. He was going to give you £40 to go to an adult cinema to have sex with random men? He describes himself as a “therapist” and wants to get you to do sex acts you don’t want. He is bisexual.

There’s no chance he’s actually a pimp trying to “turn you out” as a prostitute is there?

Either way he sounds like bad news. If you are “vulnerable” you need stability imho. NOT unusual sexual adventures you are not entirely comfortable with.

Of course not. And you definitely don't need therapy to learn to like something. He needs to get a grip and if he can't deal with you not liking the same things he does, then he isn't worth being with.

I'm worried for you OP, but very happy that you're in counselling. Please be honest with them.

Do you not have any friends or siblings that are looking out for you?