^'are you actually in a relationship with this man or are you FWB as you said previously?
Do you honestly think regular sex is worth this much emotional stress?'^
@GiveHerHellFromUs It's a FWB thing but as my libido cooled off, rather than just wanting to get laid somewhere, it's that I fancy him in particular.
'Now reread what you said he said to you about the rape as if he'd said it to someone else, remembering that he's not thick and he does mean it. You said you're a feminist? confused What does your feminist lense say about this shit?''
@category12 Obviously, it was appalling.
'I can see now its rejection you are afraid of. '
@Notcoolmum Yes, issues about rejection are mainly what I'm seeing a psychologist for at the moment. I have a major thing about it, was always hurt by it throughout my life, and recently have dreaded how I might handle rejection from anyone in future.
'Could you possibly try that? The pain and terror of being on your own'
@ScreamingLadySutch I don't mind the loss of a lover, it's losing friends I don't like. I have a real thing about it. I tend to measure my (lack of) worth by how few friends I have etc and how hard I find it to maintain friendships. But I am trying to be less like it, and I have a few more goals than I did.
Of course I'll try and think of stuff to chat about to you all. On my counselling course we have to keep a journal of self-awareness or something, so I'll be more aware of things I'm experiencing etc.
So, Great Vipers, I think you'll be marginally pleased with me today.
I met up with 'Bob' and helped him get back from his treatment, as I usually do.
Then, I found that a lot of it came out of my mouth. I said that he shouldn't have shagged me when he knew I was hypomanic and therefore suffering from a ridiculous libido- I'd told him these things at the time. I do not personally believe some of his replies.
He claimed that as bipolar etc is not his specialist area, I shouldn't use that he's a therapist to say he should've known. I don't believe that he doesn't know the basics of the condition. He has books on his bookcase about psychiatric diagnoses etc.
He said that he felt everything was consensual, and that he constantly checked (which is true, but what I consented to I don't think I would've done if I was in my normal frame of mind and wasn't hyper. Having said that, I have no regrets.)
Then I said, I don't like the 'interrogations,' which he said were just that he was genuinely interested / making conversation- hmmmm :)
He claimed that the nagging is down to his health condition, that he forgets what I've said. I don't believe that is true about things I've mentioned repeatedly. He also said again that there's nothing wrong with him saying what he wants. In general, I promised to tell him to shut up or something when he makes me feel uncomfortable or nags.
He asked whether we will carry on having some kind of sexual relationship, and I said I felt there was something wrong about it. I'd be seriously interested in your opinions about this, or at least to have it spelt out for me- what is wrong? I think it's that I'm somehow doing sexual stuff I don't want/don't feel 100% congruent with. I don't think I'm 100% lesbian, so it's not that.
He does make me ridiculously horny He says he's not sure we'll be able to keep our hands off each other. Usually it's kind of me that starts stuff. I said that I am in control of my hands, they're not prone to uncontrollable spasms, so I should be able to not do it.
At first he said he mightn't want to see me again etc, but he rang about half an hour later, when I'd got home, to say that we'd still be friends. He said that after a few weeks or less we might slip back into sexual stuff (this is kind of what happened before, when I'd been chatting to a therapist and I managed to tell him I was doing sexual stuff I don't want in order to please him etc.)
There've been two different things- 1)= the hypomania which effected my actions 18 months ago.
- Whatever this other thing is, that I end up doing stuff that somehow I'm uncomfortable with, even the really basic stuff I sometimes have a feeling of wrongness about. I'd be interested in your opinions about what that is.
Maybe some of it is that it doesn't always arise organically, as you've said @SirChing . He'll ask me if I'd like us to go back to mine and have 'sex,' and there's just something about it, I find it hard to say no, or whatever, for fear of him being less fond of me.
The worst has been a couple of times I've been trying to talk to him about other things (IDK what in particular) and the things can be quite deep. He then once or twice, when I've finished a sentence talking to him about something as a friend, will say 'that's good now X my Y.' I think these instances have been disrespectful. So rude! :) He said the same about another lover he has, that she witters on when they should be doing sexual stuff.