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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want nothing to do with you anymore ....

183 replies

deedds · 19/01/2020 20:32

I've been seeing him for 5 months now.
This last two weeks have been awful.
Him picking and choosing when he spoke,being short with me,cold etc
He said you remind me too much of my ex.
Then today he just said "I want nothing to do with you anymore"
No explanation

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 22/01/2020 10:45

@deedds

Until you get help, you will continue to exist in your own personal hell. It's awful, isn't it? I've been there. I got help. It no longer runs my life, and my choices are better, because I put myself front and centre when it comes to making decisions about what will serve me.

deedds · 22/01/2020 11:09

@AFistfulofDolores1 it's awful,I'm trapped inside my own head.
Analysing,hating myself for things I've did.
Wondering if I hadn't of over reacted etc things might have been different

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 22/01/2020 11:23

Yes, I know that one very well, @deedds. I don't call it "hell" lightly. And it affects you physically, too, because you'll be running high cortisol and adrenaline levels. The strange thing is that your body gets used to these levels, and so while it feels awful, it is also somewhat of a chemical dependency. So it becomes a vicious circle.

But, you see, writing about how awful your feeling doesn't change it. Does it?

You need to do something. Of course, the first thing you'll want to do is to contact him. That will give you the psychological and chemical fix you want. But it will also just keep things going - cycling, cycling, cycling. And you find out that you're still in hell.

What you could do, is do something different: book yourself some therapy (not counselling; it won't help, imo). There are therapists who offer reduced fees if you ask. And don't be afraid to ask.

It's one step, then another, then another. It can feel thankless at times. And then one day, if you keep at it, you'll look back, and realise you're somewhere different. And you feel different. And life is different.

Either that, or just keep choosing the same-same.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 22/01/2020 11:23

*you're

Princessfaffalot · 22/01/2020 11:33

This guy has treated you badly. That is not your fault or responsibility. Some people sadly are just shit. I know you’ve blocked, that’s good. It will take time but eventually you’ll find your anger and with time, you’ll heal. Try not to focus on why this has happened, you’ll probably never know and that’s ok. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and he doesn’t want to be friends. Right now that hurts and it’s sucks but he’s perfectly entitled to not be with you. BUT no one else is responsible for your self esteem, your self worth and your happiness. That’s on you. You need to stop expecting him to care and take responsibility for how you feel. Yes most people would care if they hurt someone but for whatever reason he appears not to and you cannot change that. You need to seek help to build up some self esteem because it isn’t healthy to only feel worthy if someone wants you. I know it hurts now but this man wasn’t right for you but regardless, you are still grieving and not ready for a relationship.

Take care op, get some counselling and I’m sorry for the loss of your mum Flowers

Deadsouls · 22/01/2020 11:34

OP- do you know anything about love addiction. There is plenty of information on the internet and many books about this subject. Don't get put off by the 'addiction' part - it's really about an obsessive pattern of behaviour and thought.
Another good book is 'Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl' by Natalie Lue, which is about why some of us pursue relationships with emotionally unavailable people.

This guy is emotionally unavailable, avoidant and cruel.

Getting entangled with these types triggers everything you've talked about; depression, obsessive ruminating, desperate behaviour etc

Qcumber · 22/01/2020 12:16

You're definitely better off out of it. You shouldn't have to wake up every day scared of what he's going to do.
Stay strong. If you're ever thinking about contacting him, post here instead to remind yourself why that's a bad idea. You can do this. And in 6 months of no contact you'll look back and wonder why you cared so much about this loser! X

MaisWeee · 22/01/2020 14:16

If as another poster has intimated, you've posted about him before, then it's not all that sudden of a change is it?

You do sound clingy and needy and that will come across in a relationship. Which is why he has cut you out completely I suspect.

The answer? Therapy.

deedds · 22/01/2020 14:20

@MaisWeee hi,yeah I have posted before
I'm not clingy or needy but he was constantly sending me screenshots of girls messaging him (and him replying ) saying "she's fit" adding these girls to his Facebook (constantly liking pictures of them)
He made me insecure and paranoid
In a normal healthy relationship I wouldn't of had to worry and doubt myself.

OP posts:
deedds · 22/01/2020 14:21

@Deadsouls hi ..il see if I can find them and have a read.
I know I used to kick off when he told me about all the women messaging him
Once one girl sent him a naked pic ..he replied (didn't know what he said tho )
It was all just too much

OP posts:
deedds · 22/01/2020 14:23

@Princessfaffalot it's honestly like he has no empathy or doesn't even think he's behaved bad.
I know everyone is different but I don't know how you show no emotions like that.
I am still really hurt.
I hope I start feeling better soon

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 22/01/2020 14:51

I wouldn't even bother asking for any explanations from this cold -hearted excuse of a man. He sounds like a right misery to be around.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 22/01/2020 15:42

I hope I start feeling better soon

You will. When you decide to do something about yourself.

katy1213 · 22/01/2020 15:50

Block him. Don't even entertain the idea of taking him back. Get out and enjoy yourself, with friends, on your own - anything is better than hanging around at the beck and call of a nasty little man like this. Don't be one of those women who is so desperate for a man that she'll take the dregs. (Plenty of them on Mumsnet. They're the ones bleating, 'But he is a good father' when a controlling jerk takes minimal notice of his off-spring. Do not let this be you in five years time!)

Sunsetandmoonlight · 22/01/2020 16:01

He has messed you around from the start hasn’t he?

deedds · 22/01/2020 16:03

Yeah he's messed me about.
Hot and cold.
Getting with others at the beginning.
Then in summer telling me he only wanted to be friends ..then changed his mind.
Etc etc
Just a massive head %#*# from the start

OP posts:
WellErrr · 22/01/2020 16:14

Yes but only because you’ve allowed it! You should have sacked him off from the start.

Honestly I think you need therapy. To explore why you let yourself be treated like this. You’re worth more!

Brazi103 · 22/01/2020 16:15

OP we can call him all the awful names and he probably is all of that, but have you taken a look at yourself?
Where is your accountability in this mess? You are in this position, because you are allowing it.
You could very easily solve this for yourself by blocking him and having no contact. But you entertain this to a point where you are asking to be treated badly. You actually sound obsessed with him. I do think you need counseling because you cant seem to help yourself with him.

Mayomaynot · 22/01/2020 16:17

deeds, you did nothing wrong. Try to forget about him. You're are better off without him, truly. You deserve better.

deedds · 22/01/2020 16:17

Oh I know,I didn't help myself,your right he should have been gone months ago.
I've blocked him on everything now,so no worry of me texting him or anything.
I just stupidly fell for him and thought I could change him.
That was a big mistake on my part

OP posts:
deedds · 22/01/2020 16:18

Today I've had much more productive day.
No tears
I've tidied up
Done some baking
Without that horrible churning feeling worrying who he's talking too-in that respect this no contact with him is helping me.

OP posts:
Princessfaffalot · 22/01/2020 16:24

Well done OP. He has lighted you into being jealous then was horrible when you were. He’s not a nice person. But that aside, you need to focus on building some self esteem Flowers

deedds · 22/01/2020 21:35

Thanks everyone Smile

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 23/01/2020 08:26

Glad you had a more productive day and feel less anxious after deciding to block and not communicate with him. So great you are enjoying some freedom from the worry and double checking that his purposeful mind games has caused.

Refuse to waste your emotional energy or time with selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless people in future.

Only allow kind, reliable, thoughtful people like yourself into your life

midsummabreak · 23/01/2020 08:39

Too bad we can't sift out the bastards to a far away place, but for lack of that, you will benefit immensely if you choose to be very selective, and deflect away from communicating meaningfully with any dickheads who may cross your path. Flowers

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