Contact from the other woman

[FMO1976]

I have just received a text from the woman I suspected my husband was having an affair with - it arrived when we were in the car together and it was read out through the car speakers.

She said she felt that needed to tell me - people are gossiping at work, and she has told him to stop the contact. What should I do?

Not sure why you didn't post this on your already long running thread you have going. Did you think you'd get different responses?

Probably going to be Another dozen or so pages saying ltb but you'll be making excuses and staying with him for the house, nanny, and keeping the kids in this toxic relationship with a father who cares not a jot for them or you.

You've got your proof now OP. Time to shit or get off the pot.

For Christ's sake get off the pot and save your kids from this life you think is best for them.

OP I've just read both your threads and what stands out is that the first is all about what your husband thinks and wants, and what his parents say, while this one is about what his colleagues will think.

You have been treated very badly by him. Continuing in this relationship is bad for you and also for your children. They are not getting a good real just because you stay with him. It's time to change. Don't put it off. Take the decision for yourself.

So the kids were calling him last night and I am pretty sure he was with the OW. So I said they got upset that he never answered and he just said ‘I’ll see them tomorrow. Problem?’

I just don’t think that he has a clue. He’s checked out of both being a husband and a wife. When he gets caught out at work for having a fling with a junior, he’ll probably be checked out at work too

Don't involve the children in this fucked up situation.
Did he stay with her overnight?

He's openly shagging her because he knows you care more about the lifestyle you have than anything else so you'll put up with it.

If you believe it's true of another affair why haven't you kicked him out already?

You lot need to stop trying to engage with this person. You are wasting your time.

I find it hard to believe a woman c. 30 would settle for this with her direct boss....maybe from a different department etc. but with a married man when she knows there is a high chance of getting caught. Even if she loves him surely she wouldn’t want to be known as a marriage wrecker among her own team?

You're basing this on your own morals....hers don't match yours.

Some women get so desperate that any man will do. Married or not.

Some women have such low self esteem and feel privileged to be chosen as the OW.

If she's into him, her focus will not be what the team think.

More than anything, you're spending a lot of time thinking about the OW, when you need to look into your marriage.

It seems you really just want this whole thing to disappear...but your DH is playing away.

You can ignore it and act like it's not happening,
or do something about it.

Right now, he's taking you for a fool.

I just read your last update.

Why not just declare it an open marriage at this point.

He's carrying on with his sidepiece and you have accepted it.

He knows you aren't going anywhere and will do what he wants.

So the kids were calling him last night and I am pretty sure he was with the OW. So I said they got upset that he never answered and he just said ‘I’ll see them tomorrow. Problem?’

I just don’t think that he has a clue. He’s checked out of both being a husband and a wife. When he gets caught out at work for having a fling with a junior, he’ll probably be checked out at work too

Jesus why bother posting here if you don’t take the advice? Now your poor children are getting emotionally damaged because you haven’t chucked out this fuck-wit man. I almost have no sympathy as you just don’t seem to be listening.

I know - the eldest likes to try and type him messages and has worked out how to call. She can read. So what do I do - she’ll often try but protect herself by saying ‘ he probably won’t answer’. I think it may be better to tell her my phone’s not working so at least she doesn’t get sad every time she calls

What is the point if starting this thread? As others have said, you aren’t listening , seem in denial and lack any real anger to make any changes.

The OP is just talking to herself, might as well not bother.

What? Now you want to encourage your children to live in Delusion Land? Why are you setting your daughter up like this? Don't pretend he loves your eldest loads and lie to hide the truth from her. She will work it out herself before long anyway. It will hurt more later if she has been encouraged to believe a lie.

Tell her dad focuses on other priorities when he's out of the house so don't expect a response DD and instead talk to him in person about whatever it was when he gets home.

Stop teaching her the ostrich techniques of the doormat wife.

@torktorkbam

Good point. I am going to have to tell her daddy is busy with work when he’s not here and therefore we shouldn’t interrupt him. That way it won’t cause her to be upset

I rarely post and don't usually get frustrated with posters who have started threads ostensibly for support and advice and then fail to take it, as more often than not they are in in some form of abusive relationship
Which as many of us know can take time to make the permanent changes on what is often a quite complicated journey with seemingly insurmountable barriers (often because of the fear of ex partner revenge and retribution).

however in this case OP has made two threads had masses of support and advice from knowledgable and supportive posters but seems not to want to hear it as none of her responses ever acknowledge what has been said, she is only posting the same issues which tbh are a little contradictory from the first in to the second thread

I'm not sure what more anybody can add to the thread to to get through to encourage her to do what needs to be done for her own well-being but more importantly the well-being of her children

I have come to the conclusion that deep down she knows what her husband is and where happily sitting in the marriage and she is absolutely knows what is going to eventually happen but is not ready to upset the material and higher level socioeconomic aspects of her life for a less monetized/mayerial lifestyle even though it would be better for her and her children's longterm wellbeing

OP ,i hope I'm wrong and you are taking on board what both threads have offered and that you eventually find the strength and resilience to do the right thing

You need to take back control of your life OP. Stop putting up with this shit! Kick him out and find your self respect. Reading your previous post you really need to deal with this situation once and for all for the sake of not your mental well being but for your DC. You may think your Dc don’t know somethings wrong but they do.
Next thing you know it’s 10 years later and you’re still putting up with this shit from that wanker.
Seriously, is that the sum of what you want for yourself?!

@carblover

I agree - if there was no one else involved (and I don’t mean H) I would have left a long time ago without a backward glance. Definitely after his confirmed affair. Given things were looking good and I was very hopeful 6 weeks ago, planning work on the house, nights out etc. all this has come about quite quickly when I realised he was back to sneaking about on his phone over the Christmas holiday period. Combined with the fact he had done 6 weeks solid travel, Christmas parties etc in the run up - I wasn’t suspicious at this point.

@Carblover

He had been about more, no random hotel nights etc.

Not making a choice, is a choice.

OP I accept that you don't want to leave your marriage. That is fair enough. So sorry that he is humiliating you by sh* on both your doorsteps.

But it is what it is.

Start investigating Radical Acceptance. You cannot expect emotional support from this person ever, and nor can your children. So sorry for her pain, poor little daughter. But lots of women grew up with emotionally unavailable fathers, make sure you are a source of warmth and love.

Therefore, focus on yourself, your family, your children and your friendship groups. Act as though you are alone, because essentially emotionally you are alone. Your friends and family NOT HIM are your sources of support, warmth, laughter and living. They NOT HIM will let you know you are a worthy and worthwhile human being.

And I would strongly advise you to start squirrelling away money/setting up your own investment platforms. Because one day he is going to fall in love with one of these women and leave you.

It is completely pointless, a waste of time and energy to be shocked, discuss him, whine about it or hope for difference. This is who he is. Perhaps you could go for therapy to help support you?

Why are you doing this to yourself and your children. This man is a top class c*nt (I never use that world) but reading through this and your other post I have absolutely no idea why anyone would allow someone to do this to them.

No deserves to be treated this way, the OW messaging you was basic trying to give you a kick up the ar*e to see it for what it is!!

You've been given so much good advice, read it, take it on board and do something about this sham of a marriage.

The saddest part of what you have written is where you say you will tell your daughter that Daddy is busy and mustn't be disturbed. I couldn't care less if you and your husband want to play silly buggers or how many of his women contact you and you want to know why. What I do find so disturbing is that neither of you seem to care about the impact this is having on your children. He is not bothered about them so it's up to you to protect them and get them out of the toxic environment that they are being brought up in. Sod the other woman, concentrate on your children. They are worth it, he isn't.

I'd bet he arranged her to text, knowing he would be in the car with you.

How badly does he have to treat you and your children before you will get some self respect and leave him.

Maybe she's got in touch with you because she's ended it but he won't take no for an answer?

This happened with someone (a dick) at my old work, they told the guy (also a dick) that if he wouldn't leave her alone she would like his wife.

He didn't, so she did.

Meant he knew she wasn't just playing hard to get and also shattered his deluded idea they were meant to be together.

His poor wife was collateral damage.

@ivyr0se

That did cross my mind

No, if he wants to divorce, he can do it.

FMO, focus on yourself. Be kind, develop your friends, get into therapy.

You sound deeply depressed.