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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Contact from the other woman

367 replies

FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 17:18

I have just received a text from the woman I suspected my husband was having an affair with - it arrived when we were in the car together and it was read out through the car speakers.

She said she felt that needed to tell me - people are gossiping at work, and she has told him to stop the contact. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 20:35

thanks.

OP posts:
EstrellaPequena · 16/01/2020 20:58

At least you don't need to decide for yourself whether or not to contact her like you were up for in your previous thread...
You knew. You're both unhappy. Your kids deserve so much better and you deserve more than living your life in the shadow of "he wants/he says/him". A house is bricks, Christmas is a day but your children's emotional well-being is priceless.

SandyY2K · 16/01/2020 21:34

Side note- no woman wants to be the other woman.

This isn't true. Some women prefer being the OW... they don't have to deal with domestic drudgery and get all the treats...while the wife is stuck at home.

It's not my thing...but it suits some women. Remember that some OW are married, with no intention of leaving.

Qwerty543 · 16/01/2020 22:00

Why are you posting OP. You don't listen. You just post endless questions. Everyone will tell you to leave him which you have no intention of doing. So stop wasting everyone's time.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 22:02

That is true. And more recently as the kids schedule has fitted less well with the GP social scene we see a lot less of them

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 16/01/2020 22:06

You just post endless questions

More reason to just contact the Other Woman OP.

MsDogLady · 16/01/2020 22:27

Per your other thread, you know they’ve been texting and suspect they are dating. He has been ignoring you, lying about his locations, and frequently staying in hotels. He has history for cheating, and is a disengaged husband and father.

OP, you have been in such a quandary and you now have the opportunity to speak directly to this woman. This may be a sincere gesture or a manipulative tactic, but you need to hear what she has to say.

When are you going to contact her?

dontgobaconmyheart · 16/01/2020 22:43

Your DH is a cheat who lies to you and doesn't care about your feelings OP, who cares WHY she has messaged, for her own reasons basically is the answer - other is still cheating and she has also realised he is full of it.

Surely there is more to life than this? It all sounds deeply depressing and an enjoyable.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 22:50

On Sunday - as a I have some time out with my girlfriends

OP posts:
LexMitior · 16/01/2020 22:52

@SandyY2K spot on. Lots of women enjoy being the mistress. They tend to get the better side of the man, short of washing, cooking etc

There will be a lot of people who think that’s wrong morally, but if you aren’t bothered, then it happens.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 22:52

I still can’t believe that after working so hard for 20 years he is willing to risk everything - she can presumably claim all sorts of harrasment if things don’t work out (which they won’t) and she must have hundreds of messages which she can use as evidence against him

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 22:54

@LexMitior

I find it hard to believe a woman c. 30 would settle for this with her direct boss....maybe from a different department etc. but with a married man when she knows there is a high chance of getting caught. Even if she loves him surely she wouldn’t want to be known as a marriage wrecker among her own team?

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 22:55

It seems very high stakes to me

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 16/01/2020 22:59

Besides all of his other wrongdoing, he has put you in a humiliating position at your workplace.

CalleighDoodle · 16/01/2020 23:03

Why are you concerned about her? Your issue is him. And he is a knob.

LexMitior · 16/01/2020 23:08

This woman doesn’t care. On some level she wants people to know.

Maybe she might regret it later. Right now, no.

If the world as moral as it we think it should be then no one would ever have an affair or be a mistress. People don’t care until they are made to. Men and women.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 23:08

@MsDogLady

And will lose all respect himself. His female colleagues who I know think he’s been very unsupportive, and will think even less of him now so his x-refers will drop

OP posts:
LexMitior · 16/01/2020 23:21

Really? Is he not going to just carry on lying to you until the consequences are totally unavoidable? And paint you as mad unstable, frigid etc. This situation is not unusual - it’s how men often persuade women that their wives have forfeited the right to fidelity. And it’s common to hear and see.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/01/2020 23:27

IP you think your husband had an affair. Instead of trying to confirm this you're wondering about her motivations for calling you.

I dont understand why you dont ring her and ask. If the kids are very young they wont understand. If they are older you can go out the room. If they are in between say 'I'm with the kids, what's going on / when and where did it happen' etc so they dont guess.

I know a few people where the OW has rang the wife. Some from being deceived by the man and dont want the wife to be in the same position. Some because they wanted revenge when the man wouldn't leave the woman as promised. Some because things ended and they felt sorry.

Bottom line is you dont know her, you're not going to know for sure if she is telling the truth.

I'm not sure how much more evidence you need about your husband. It seems like you're focussing on the minor details to avoid thinking about the bigger picture

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/01/2020 23:40

I've never read a post by someone who has a lying, cheating husband that seems so unemotional as yours.
It's like you know but don't care as you won't leave. What's the point?

Mulhollandmagoo · 16/01/2020 23:42

You were all up for contacting everyone he works with to tell them you think he's having an affair, now you can't understand why she would possibly be texting you and you can't possibly call her and your husband is nowhere to be found even though someone he works with has text you to tell you they're having an affair??

user764329056 · 16/01/2020 23:46

I couldn’t be arsed with a man like this, what a waste of energy

MashedSpud · 17/01/2020 00:08

Let him ask his parents what to do like in your previous thread.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 17/01/2020 00:09

Stop thinking in terms of the OW

Why she did this
What she thinks of that
How people will think of her
Etc

Start thinking in terms of YOU

You've been treated very poorly by your husband
You need to see a lawyer!

AgentJohnson · 17/01/2020 01:05

I can’t quite figure out what you want. What is the pay off for this cycle of infidelity and denial that you keep buying into?

If you want to know her motives (how it will impact on your life if their relationship is discovered) then ask her. If you want to retreat into denial, then don’t.

This is who your H is and will always be, there isn’t a more honest or faithful version of him waiting around the corner. It is totally your prerogative to wait for the better version of him to make an appearance but deep down you know that that is not happening.

If you don’t want him do anything that could hinder his employment and jeopardise your standard of living, then tell him and ask him to be more discreet.

You do not need MN permission to stay.

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