Contact from the other woman

[FMO1976]

I have just received a text from the woman I suspected my husband was having an affair with - it arrived when we were in the car together and it was read out through the car speakers.

She said she felt that needed to tell me - people are gossiping at work, and she has told him to stop the contact. What should I do?

Fucking hell woman. This is atrocious. Your kids are going to be seriously damaged. They will eventually (prob after years of therapy) hate your DH for his total disinterest and hate you for not taking a proper stand on their behalf and being an utterly dispassionate doormat, all for the sake of 'societal norms'. You'll regret this, massively. Poor fucking kids.

And of course he's having an affair and I promise it's not just his second. But you don't seem bothered by that. Brilliant lesson you're teaching your kids about self-respect there.

The problem is that your life and your circle of friends are not representative of society. You think they are but they aren't ......

But hey, you continue to fuck your kids up because fits with your idea society.

Yes you're right. Once your children can "sit nicely" your husband will stop being an arsehole who doesn't like his kids and has affairs. Of course that makes sense.

The bottom line will be if he’s having a second affair.....I still need to figure that out.

Oh and it says it all really, that that's the "bottom line" rather than your children's happiness and self worth.

You're both letting them down. Poor kids.

@YasssKween

Poor kids anyway. Whichever way they’ll end up ferried between 2 houses. Missing their dad at Christmas etc.

Poor kids anyway. Whichever way they’ll end up ferried between 2 houses. Missing their dad at Christmas etc.

To be honest some of the stuff you say is pretty offensive to families in which parents are no longer together as a couple.

It is perfectly possible to coparent with loads of love and security for the children.

The reason that will be difficult is because your husband won't make the effort, I understand that, but please stop generalising by doing down the idea of parents separating over and over again.

You make out as if people who make the painful and difficult choice to split have done more damage than keeping their children in a home with one totally unengaged parent and both parents modelling an incredibly unhealthy relationship.

People have been trying to help you sharing painful experiences of break ups, their stories of starting a new home with their children etc and you just seem to be determined to reiterate how bad it is for parents to break up.

Being together (despite the damage it's doing to the kids) "fits socially" you say? Keeping up appearances really shouldn't be the priority here.

Good luck, I don't really know what you want but I think it's just to confirm your husband's second affair. Which won't change anything about his parenting. So won't help your kids. So I don't know why it's your priority but it's your prerogative.

You prioritize the facade of the “normal” family that fits socially. Never mind that the pretend father dislikes and resents his family. Never mind that the girls are absorbing the message that they don’t measure up and don’t deserve Dad’s love and interest. The eldest is already catching on. I worry for your daughters, as I have observed the damage this dynamic can wreak.

You have written about how you learned early on how to emotionally detach. How tragic that you are teaching your girls to do the same.

You’ve mentioned the upheaval that the girls would experience being ferried up and down the motorway. Surely their very wealthy father could rent local accommodations to use every 2 weeks for 24 hours. Visits to the grandparents, who seem to live nearby, could also be in the mix, along with occasional trips to London. It’s doable. Regarding Christmas, couldn’t he drop by? And really, what difference does one day make when he treats the girls like garbage the other 364 days of the year.

As for the 2nd affair, last Thursday an OW’s texts were broadcasted in the car, yet you took no action to reach her until Sunday, even though you seem to have two numbers for her.

I wish you and your children well, OP

@YasssKween

I don’t demean 2 parents. I have a friend of a friend who co-parent really well and the boy’s very happy. They split when he was 9m old (now 6) so he knows no different but they live close by, he spends every Sat with his dad, he takes him to tennis lessons and football club in the week, they FaceTime the non present parent frequently. The parents sit together at school events etc and while he wasn’t a great husband, he is very clearly a very good dad. The boy loves him dearly.

Clearly I can’t say the same - whomever commented above I am probably in some ways trying to force a relationship in the hope that somehow he’ll change, decide he enjoys it etc. If that happens I am sure we’ll be happier as it’s clearly hard to see your husband not interested in the kids - he’ll admit he prefers luxury to the hard work of parenting. It must be miserable if you hate your kids but know they are here to stay!

Maybe I tried to get him too involved - lots of the school mums do bedtime alone but their husband is then home most nights by 8pm for dinner etc.

I am sure if we split he’ll have no relationship with them in a matter of months....

He barely has a relationship with them now.

He has no relationship with them NOW !!!

Surely you want some dignity in your life ?
Or do you prefer to 'teach' your children that men are perfectly able to treat women appallingly and their 'lot' is to allow this because it It fits socially, is more ‘normal’, prevents upheaval etc.
Not sure what 'society' you live in but it sounds like somewhere back in time where women subjugated their every need for 'the husband & children' .. quite honestly YOU sound like someone who is more interested in 'what the neighbours say' rather than divorcing this pig of a man, getting a job , buying a home with half of your joint wealth - and getting on with showing your children how people SHOULD behave when someone treats them badly !

A far better life lesson, than teaching them to hang about waiting for a few crumbs of time from their father - when he deigns to appear.

Oh come on MumsnetHQ this has to be a wind up. It's Mrs Bucket reborn isn't it?

You're now saying he 'hates' the children, that really is a strong word.
Have you considered that it's his relationship with you that's having a knock on effect on his with the DC? You're clearly not happy with each other.
Perhaps if you split up his relationship with them will improve. We're only getting one side of the story here.

Very sad OP. Your ‘fitting in with society norms’ will destroy your children. My two kids have a lovely relationship with their father. But that is because we both make the effort that just because their parents don’t live together doesn’t mean they should be upset or sad. Your H doesn’t do that anyway. Thats your problem - not the fact that your kids might be part of a separated family,

The bottom line is that your husband is a shit dad. He'll continue to be a shit dad if you stay together and he'll be a shit dad if you separate.
You would be doing your children a favour if you split.....but this isn't what it's about.

Your constant reference to other families show your real fear......this isn't the done thing in your social circle. It's got nothing to do with the kids

(Also, another person calling bullshit on this ..... I thought you didn't know anyone who had separated?? Now you know a couple who co-parents successfully. I've reported this post.)

@FMO1976, just wanted to share my own experience because it, in some ways, is quite similar to yours.

We had two dcs close together, 2 under 2 etc... I tried very hard to push DH to be involved with the dcs. And he actually had to look after them in his own in a regular basis (I was working every other weekend - he was looking after them then).
The dcs growing up and becoming easier didn’t make a difference. DH was resentful of the situation, hated having to fit them in and consider their needs etc... he still is now they are teenagers. The difference is that, having pushed for them to do something together, they found an activity they all enjoy so that has brought them together once a week. Otherwise, he is still just as removed from anything that has something to do with them.
I suspect that, because he was so set on avoiding ‘family life’, he did many things to avoid being involved (being away for work, being away for his hobbies as much as possible etc...). He never cheated (as fr as I know) but was totally unavailable, physically and emotionally.
The dcs are now teens, marriage is a sham and the relationship between the dcs and their dad still isn’t great.

Please don’t do what I did and clutch to straws (when they are older... or if I am happier then ....). I’ve done all that and it doesn’t work. I just got more and more hurt as time went and neither me or nor DH are actually able to demonstrate what a nice respectful relationship is to your dcs. Not good for any of the 4 people involved.

Soooo much better for the kids to have no contact with him than have him constantly shoving his dis-regard for them in their faces and a mother who is accepting of that. Or is trying to make changes to the kids to try and win his approval and affection. Their self-esteem and confidence must be shot to shit. But at least the neighbours don't know, eh? You are an unbelievably selfish woman to put appearances before your kids well-being. I wonder how long it'll take the kids to go NC with the pair of you. At least you're wealthy enough to pay for their therapy before they wise up to you both.

@SueEllenMishke

Not sure why. It was a mum at the kids swimming lesson who mentioned something about sharing time. I asked as I was interested. The kids nor me have a clue who they parents/boy is....

@SueEllenMishke

A friend of the woman at swimming to clarify.

@NomDeDieu

A very articulate description of the situation I find myself in (plus the affairs).

Are you still married now? Did you discuss a divorce?

@angieloumc

I can’t recall saying hate - I am sure they are not hated per se. More hates the family life that NomDeDieu so we’ll articulated.

Wants to work hard and then do what he wants and the weekend / have a rest.

What are you hoping to get from this thread now op?

Your post at 7.28 'it must be miserable if you hate your kids'.

@angieloumc

Poor use of words. He doesn’t hate them.

I'm sure he doesn't; as you say poor choice of words.