Contact from the other woman

[FMO1976]

I have just received a text from the woman I suspected my husband was having an affair with - it arrived when we were in the car together and it was read out through the car speakers.

She said she felt that needed to tell me - people are gossiping at work, and she has told him to stop the contact. What should I do?

@angieloumc

More doesn’t enjoy spending time so resents them - would prefer to pay someone else to do it rather than do it himself

Why are you forcing your children to live in a house with someone who resents them?

@SueEllenMishke

He’s barely here - and if we don’t live together they’ll have some of every other weekend with him. Which I can’t believe them or him will enjoy. He has said from Day 1 he doesn’t get enjoyment from children like other people do, or miss them when he’s away. He knows this is odd.

When I am not about, he still doesn’t like it. And if I say I’ll stay home if he wants to take them out he always asks me to come...

Agree rejection is awful, but he’s seldom home to do it. Moving out would be total rejection in their eyes.....

Don't presume to speak for your children and how they do or will feel. You clearly have no idea at all.

Agree rejection is awful, but he’s seldom home to do it. Moving out would be total rejection in their eyes.....

No it wouldn't. it would be their mother providing a safe and loving environment where it NEVER happens. Some of his actions are bordering on abusive (failure to meet basic needs) but you think that's okay because it doesn't happen frequently?

You are failing your children right now as much as he is. It's so sad.

I really hope this is a wind up because the more OP shares the more sorry I feel for the children.

@FMO1976, yes I am still married.
One of the reasons I’m still in that relationship is because I spent many years trying to make everything better. I thought it was me or that if I was doing x or y, then things would change. They didn’t.

Then I developped a chronic health condition (which I am sure was massively triggered by stress ...) and was basically in survival mode.

But the bottom line is, please dont do what I did!!
I wish I had the courage to leave when the dcs were little. It would have been kinder for everyone.

@nomdedieu

Thanks - and I completely get where the majority of posters are coming from and their frustration. I’d be the same probably advising someone else, or even my kids. It’s really hard when you are living it though - not wanting to give up too soon, will things be better apart, will things get better in time, have my choices causes issues, how long will it take to sell the house, will the kids like a new school as much as this one, will they do as well....while it sounds terrible, they don’t really know yet as we are civil, and are still excited to see him tonight when he gets hoe. Am I putting myself ahead of them.... So yes, your mind spins about how can I change things. One thing I have come to is that only you are responsible for your happiness and probably I have lent too much on him / made excuses for going out as felt he didn’t want to be with the kids etc which all does help. I am going to ponder that and try and relax a bit this weekend.

One thing I have come to is that only you are responsible for your happiness and probably I have lent too much on him / made excuses for going out as felt he didn’t want to be with the kids etc which all does help

You aren't just responsible for your own happiness.

While you are a parent and they are children, you are responsible for your kids' happiness too.

Your DH isn't understanding that but it doesn't feel like you are either.

Nobody is saying it isn't hard, it is hard of course it is. But the easy thing isn't always the right thing.

@NomDeDieu

And also, was your husband happy in the relationship?

I don’t think so.
He is a man of few words and has rarely said how he feels.
He has never expressed the need to leave though...

But there has been little in his behaviour that was screaming happiness.

People stay in unhappy marriages for many reasons. If I had my time again, I wouldn’t be looking for reasons or trying to guess how he feels. I would be doing what is right for me. Not for dh, not according to what other people think is right (those who say don’t get divorced/you have failed/what about the dcs/LBT/youll be better alone). But what I knew then, at the bottom of my heart, was the right choice.

OP, my ex was the same (except for the affairs). I stayed far too long in the marriage believing I could make it better. I also had a massive fear of not being a family, and I think I clung on to a fantasy/didn't want to be a quitter/wanted to make it work, so so hard but I was wrong. I was flogging a dead horse and so are you. My ex was also abusive. I did my DC harm by staying and trying to make it work. It was never going to work. He would never change, be a decent parent or husband. I look back with so much regret. I wasted my life being unhappy and giving my DC a shit childhood (Not deliberately,I thought at the time it was better for them for their parents to be together than apart). Now I'm divorced and extremely happy with a partner who loves me. My DC bear the scars of having a shit father. I sacrificed my own happiness for nothing and they got damaged anyway because he was a shit parent either way.

I think, like I was, you are in a sunk costs fallacy. Cut your losses and get out now, and live a happy life. Your DC will be fine. Don't try and force their relationship with their father, because it won't work and will lead to disappointment and resentment. He is who he is and who he always will be (reluctant parent and cheater). Accept that and make decisions based on that reality, not a fantasy of what you wish your marriage and family was, or out of misplaced fear of being a social pariah.

Moving out would be total rejection in their eyes

I think that's projection.

OP my friends mum stayed in a 'marriage of convenience' because she liked the lifestyle and the husband lived with another woman/didnt love her. She used the kids as a reason for not divorcing him, in reality she didnt want to end the marriage and make her own life, she wanted the comfortable life from his money despite the marriage being a sham.

Her kids grew up and have very little respect for her as adults, they hated living with parents lying to them and continuing the sham marriage. Hopefully your situation will be different, but please show respect for yourself and your kids.

OP why are you tolerating this utter horseshit of a situation for your children and for yourself? You get treated the way you allow people to treat you. You need to think about the damage this is doing right now.

Sod having a nanny or an au pair or whatever-teach your girls that it is not OK to be sidelined, side stepped and disregarded by acting now.

You want advice? Get things in order, move out and never look back. The OW is inconsequential in the bigger picture here.

Maybe it is time to start helping your children to understand what is odd about the situation. They aren't stupid. They'll work out that dad doesn't like them. Now is the time to explain that dad is odd, not them, they are lovable, it's just that dad has this weird thing that he does not get along with any children, your relationship with him will probably come when you are older because he can interact with older people. Tell them he knows this is odd himself and can talk about it if they want. He wanted them to be born, it was all planned, etc.

Give them the tools to know it is him not them and that's OK.