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Original poster

Contact from the other woman

367 replies

FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 17:18

I have just received a text from the woman I suspected my husband was having an affair with - it arrived when we were in the car together and it was read out through the car speakers.

She said she felt that needed to tell me - people are gossiping at work, and she has told him to stop the contact. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 17:13

He’s a terrible father (if you discount the money he earns) although as he says he does what he can around his job. I don’t agree with that. If he were a rubbish husband and a good dad I’d live with it.....rightly or wrongly. As my friend in business said, they are all at it! One of my friends told a story yesterday about a husband of a school mum being seriously injured in a car accident - at which point his wife and kids (10yo) found out he has another partner too with a 16yo. The one with the older kid knew about the wife but not vice versa!

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 17:14

@SueEllenMishke

He will get them the drink grudgingly if I don’t appear to do it and if they ask enough.....

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 20/01/2020 17:19

Money does not make a good dad.

They are not all at it......I only know one man who even comes close to being as poor a father as your DH and he is universally disliked because of how he treats his wife and kids.

How can you stay with someone who will only meet their child's basic needs begrudgingly?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 17:28

@SueEllenMishke

So why is she staying with him?

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 20/01/2020 17:33

She isn't. She kicked him out before Christmas.

Gazelda · 20/01/2020 17:35

OP, I'm sorry you're in such an unhappy situation.

But your posts are incredibly frustrating.

You are fixated on her motivation. What is your motivation? I'm thinking that you are solely motivated by the comfortable life you currently have.

Why else would you put up with an adulterer for a husband and a shit for your Dc's father?

Doggybiccys · 20/01/2020 17:57

OMG OP! Will you listen to what everyone is saying! You are exactly like a woman I work with. Her husband is also an abusive dick (although not with other women as he’s too lazy and will only go to his revolting spit and sawdust old mans pub) but he is very financially abusive to her and their dc. She moans about it constantly and gets the same advice which she ignores - then she tells us stuff he’s done as if trying to persuade us of how bad he is!!

You dont need to keep telling us all the shit he keeps doing - we all
Know this!! It’s you whose in cloud cuckoo land and who is also fucking up your DC lives. I expect your horrible H now despises you for being so weak and compliant, which hurts me to say as I hate victim blaming. But this really is one of the saddest most frustrating threads I’ve read on here. A real reminder that money does not but happiness.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/01/2020 18:24

If he were a rubbish husband and a good dad I’d live with it

But he's bad at both and you still live with it because his money is more important than your children's well-being

angieloumc · 20/01/2020 18:42

He might not be a good father, but you are definitely judging him.
Is a nice lifestyle worth this?

MsDogLady · 20/01/2020 18:52

Did he meet with his parents yesterday?

freeingNora · 20/01/2020 18:52

You are covering for him being a shit husband and an even worse father children shouldn't have to beg for attention. Unfortunately this seems like a very co-dependent relationship co parenting set up

I'm sorry this happened to you can you get some counselling and support going forward if would stand you in good stead to uproot your motivation for maintaining this mans image above all else

Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 19:05

@Doggybiccys

Why would he despise weak and compliant? What do you think he wants me to do? I am sure he wants me to throw him out...

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 19:06

@MsDogLady

Yes and said he was going to tell them things were bad....and said nothing. I think he thinks if he’s horrible I will ask him to leave and then it won’t be his fault

OP posts:
angieloumc · 20/01/2020 19:11

People aren't stupid you know; even if you did ask him to leave, they will make their own minds up about the reasoning behind it. I'm wondering whether you like being a martyr...

Gazelda · 20/01/2020 19:12

Why does it matter who threw who out?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 19:49

@gazelda

I think he should man up and do it - I still need clear proof of this ‘second affair’. If I get that then I will otherwise I think he needs to do and can then explain.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 20/01/2020 20:53

If it turned out he is not having an affair unlikely would you then want to be with him?

It seems to me you are not compatible in ways much more extensive than his propensity to stray. I think you are hiding behind the evidence of infidelity.

angieloumc · 20/01/2020 21:30

You've no intention of leaving him, tackling him or giving up your lifestyle. Which is fair enough but why come on and ask for advice if you clearly don't want it? I feel for your DC I really do, they might have a very privileged life but have parents who aren't happy with each other, and as they get older they'll be more aware of it.,

BendyLikeBeckham · 20/01/2020 21:37

No, OP.

YOU should WOMAN UP and kick him out. It would still be his fault, but your decision. Take some control and stop giving it all to him.

Seriously, are you on Prozac or similar? I've read both your threads and you are weirdly disassociate d from reality.

lilmishap · 20/01/2020 21:54

Seriously, are you on Prozac or similar? I've read both your threads and you are weirdly disassociate d from reality

OP How long have you been numb, switched off, and totally accepting of your crappy existence?
I'm asking seriously, I put up with being raped, cheated on(happened when I was downstairs once) on a regular basis by an ex for 6 years and I felt nothing. I thought I was angry but there was a wall between me and any emotion.

You've spent 11 pages describing why your kids do not have a dad to miss, there is a man they see occasionally, who doesn't like them.
11 pages of you describing a total void of anything resembling normal attachment.

You don't seem angry or hurt about the text in the car, why are you not humiliated, angry, indignant, full of self loathing, raging that he doesn't take any interest in your kids?

Are you using anything? Diazepam, Sleepers?

lilmishap · 20/01/2020 21:55

When was the last time you went a day not thinking about him?

Doggybiccys · 20/01/2020 23:27

@FMO1976... because he clearly doesn’t love or respect you and in my experience, desperation repels people further.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 21/01/2020 05:31

@lilmishap

What?

OP posts:
SureTry · 21/01/2020 06:51

I pity you OP.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 21/01/2020 08:17

Pity the kids. He wants them to not lose the nice car, house, school etc. when all they really want is a proper dad. At the end of the day it’s them (and maybe him) that lose out

OP posts:
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