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Original poster

Contact from the other woman

367 replies

FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 17:18

I have just received a text from the woman I suspected my husband was having an affair with - it arrived when we were in the car together and it was read out through the car speakers.

She said she felt that needed to tell me - people are gossiping at work, and she has told him to stop the contact. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 13:39

@Gazelda

Hopefully when the dust settles again, it will be a good decision for the kids.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/01/2020 13:41

What will be a good decision? Letting him have two women at once? Staying with a man who doesn't care about you or his children? Making it very obvious they come 4th in his list of priorities, after work, gym and OW. And that the wife he vowed to spend his life with doesn't even make the top 10?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 14:26

@GiveHerHellFromUs

He’s always been a workaholic - I guess it was less of an issue before we had kids as I had loads friends. The issue is that to see the kids he has to leave at c.16:30 to make it home to see the kids. Most of his colleagues work until 7pm at least which means he would be home 9:30pm and then up at 6pm. There was a good article in the paper at the weekend about 2/3 of high earners being significantly unhappy in their relationships due to adultery, travel, long hours, stress, no family time....

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 14:28

I get how people fall out of love - what I will never understand is his relationship with the kids given how close his family is. Even this morning before he left for the airport he barely spoke to the kids over breakfast. And yesterday he asked me to help him put their coats and shoes on before he took them to see his parents - I find it weird but it really is like he can’t cope, has no confidence and finds it intensely boring.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/01/2020 14:39

Are you justifying his adultery and the fact that he's a shit parent because he works long hours?

Why are you subjecting your children to his shit behaviour? It's fine if you want to put up with him sleeping around, but it's not fine to put them through any of this.

MsDogLady · 20/01/2020 14:39

Did you contact OW?

SueEllenMishke · 20/01/2020 14:44

finds it intensely boring

You keep saying this and it is so, so sad.

Good parents don't find their children intensely boring. My DH has just phoned me to tell me about a cute thing our DS said on the way to school this morning. How can you stay with someone who finds their children boring?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 15:06

@MsDogLady

Tried but hasn’t responded yet.....

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 15:11

@SueEllenMishke

As currently they don’t find him boring and to be honest they are old enough to play together without loads of parental interaction. Sometimes they can play for an hour or more happily while I get on with housework. But if they do want me to help them with a drink etc. then I do happily. He finds it frustrating if he’s working. Similarly they don’t want to sit for hours at the dinner table - they are way better than most. They need the toilet, a drink etc. Of course it’s a bit frustrating sometimes but it’s live.

In the first few month of our eldests life we went out a bit and it was good fun. Then it got weird when family friends came to visit, his parents would never babysit. Instead I would stay in and they’d go out (they knew the parents, we were friends with their grown up kids).

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 15:12

@SueEllenMishke

I am also sure my dad found it boring sat round freezing sports pitches for hours on end, but he did it! I am sure he moaned a bit at times but he still did it. He used to feed me hundreds of balls to hit....probably boring but he still did it!

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 15:13

I still remember teaching our eldest to ride a bike and everyone being really impressed and my mum saying wow - bet H was impressed and responding without thinking, he wasn’t very interested which seems weird now

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 15:20

My final attempt is going to be to take one of them out and leave him to have one on one time with the other. My friend said that helped her husband a lot.....

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/01/2020 15:22

He will still be a shite dad and he will still be cheating on you why are you doing this?!

user3575796673 · 20/01/2020 15:33

The issue is that to see the kids he has to leave at c.16:30 to make it home to see the kids. Most of his colleagues work until 7pm at least which means he would be home 9:30pm

Even this morning before he left for the airport he barely spoke to the kids over breakfast.

His behaviour has nothing to do with his working hours, because when he's with them he ignores them.

Stop making lame arse excuses for his neglect.

SueEllenMishke · 20/01/2020 15:50

Of course sitting around waiting for your child to finish an activity can be boring but that's also part of parenting.
That's not what you're saying though. You say he finds interacting with his children ' intensely boring'. That disgraceful.

Does he ever play with them? Talk to them or interact in anyway? Those are the wonderful bits.

Fckingfuming · 20/01/2020 15:57

One day he’ll regret it all - I have no doubt
Sorry to break it to you OP, but I know a man who walked out on 4 wives, and 4 dc in the space of about 20 years. He had no time for any of his children whilst with their mothers, and no remorse for the suffering he has caused to his wives and children. He has no contact with any of his families. Don't kid yourself people like this are worth wasting your time and energy on. Some people have no concern of anyone other than themselves.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 16:01

@SueEllenMishke

Occasionally - he used to try more. He never seems to interact with them very naturally - he’ll ask a very smart five year old stupid things like ‘what noise does a monkey make’ or he’ll say ‘what do you want to do today’ then they will say swimming and that’s not an option so they’ll be disappointed and fuss and he’ll get angry.

It’s all so sad - he used to get them dressed a bit, just normal clothes but he won’t do that anymore as the young one played up for him so he has said it’s soo stressful.

He has made dens, but it’s so infrequent.

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 16:02

As I have said many time - it seems a huge decision to take the kids away from their dad. He should be the one to leave. I don’t want them to ask me why we aren’t together and have to say we agreed it was best not to.

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SueEllenMishke · 20/01/2020 16:03

He found getting a child dressed stressful so stopped........ welcome to parenthood. My guess is he actually thinks it's beneath him.
Seriously, he is a terrible dad. Your excuses just make him sound worse.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 16:38

@SueEllenMishke

I think he just can’t be bothered, and they always come to me. I reckon the best thing I could do would be to go away for a weekend and he’ll realise he’ll cope just fine!

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MamaWeGotThis · 20/01/2020 16:48

I don't understand why you are still with him and why you keep making threads to be told the same thing over and over

He's a cheat
He's a rubbish dad who can't be bothered
You are a walkover
It isn't working

angieloumc · 20/01/2020 16:53

He doesn't sound like he interacts very well with the DC, some people struggle to.
I might be reading this wrong but the impression I get is that you think whatever he does or doesn't do with them isn't to your standard.
He sounds like a rubbish H though so just on that I would seriously think about getting rid of him. How he behaves afterwards with the DC is something you would have to deal with then.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 17:06

@angieloumac

I definitely do not pass judgement - I just want him to interact normally. Say hi in the morning, don’t ignore them when they want a drink etc.

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 20/01/2020 17:07

For example, he has probably taken the girls out on his own maybe twice in 5 years....excluding driving them to parties....

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SueEllenMishke · 20/01/2020 17:13

He actually sounds abusive. he doesn't greet them in a morning and ignores them when they want a drink?
Your poor children. Shame on you for keeping them in that environment.

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