Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

banghead show this to the police, they will take it seriously as it’s a threat. Do you have DC with him? If not he has no reason to contact you, I would get him done for harassment.

I had a shocking day yesterday, found out my 15 year old needs major surgery, it was a bit of a shock and I feel so lonely having no one to discus it with other than dd herself. I have no idea how we will cope if surgery goes ahead as I have another dd who is severely autistic to cope with and no support, I haven’t even told their dad yet.

I’m still talking to Mr Parrot and hopefully meeting him next week for coffee but don’t really have any other irons lined up.

I’m ok, it says something about my day that what happened last night wasn’t the worst part of it.i absolutely agree with what everyone’s said I definitely won’t be seeing him again. It’s definitely worried me that I couldn’t find a way to say no but as been said if he couldn’t read the body language it’s not just me so can beat myself up a bit less. My Stbxh took 2 months of dating before he even kissed me (that’s not healthy or good either) talk about the two extremes! In all my overthinking I just hadn’t factored in too strong and me not wanting to go there, and obviously have boundary issues, oh well one for the next therapy session!
@TheLibrarianStoleMyBanana thank you, I needed to hear that, I feel mean like I’ve lead him on and feel I ought to be gentle but your right I don’t owe him more than honesty.

Bang yes - report it!

Love - that sounds so stressful, I’m sorry. Is their dad going to be able to help you? Or can you ask social care for some respite for your other daughter maybe? I hope your DD is ok xx

No DC with him although he has been having contact as in their life for years.

I'm quite embarrassed about the vile stuff he has written, I know I shouldn't be. Just wanted to check police would take seriously.

I might just see if he stops for now, he's blocked on everything now I think.

@bangheadhere40 I e a feeling you’ll get better advice from others about police, but that’s not ok and that behaviour/comments would really worry me and I’d be doing something about it.

@Lovemusic33 I’m really sorry about your daughter, as you say it’s crap when there’s no one to talk about it with, I’m sorry you can’t talk to her father. Also have a severely autistic daughter so get how isolating and tough that can be

@love sorry about your daughter,talk to us about it x

Firm but kind message sent and blocked, hate that I feel shit about it!

Menora I’m not sure, dd gets respite already but only a hour a week, no over nights, dd1 will be in hospital for 2-4 nights and the hospital is 2 hours away. Surgery won’t happen for a while but in a way that gives me more time to stress over it. I may have to take dd2 with me which will be hard work when dd1 will be feeling awful after surgery. I will contact their dad this evening but he never really has them over night as he’s pretty useless. She has to have her jaw broken in 2 places and plates put in to correct a severe overbite before teeth correction , we could delay surgery until she’s older but at the moment she wants to go ahead and get it done, recovery time is 6 weeks.

@stuck best thing to do, well done.

@Lovemusic33 that sounds incredibly rough on you and your daughters but honestly for her sake, best to get it over and done with and it's also good that it's being paid for by the nhs. I wish I had had proper orthodontic care as a teenager- irs caused me massive problems trying to fix the problems now. She will be very glad she's had it done .

And @bangheadhere40 please please please go to the police!

@bangheadhere40 do you have any mutual friends who could have a word with him. Or his parents?

@Lovemusic33 I know how you feel. I've had to drag the smallest to hospital in the middle of the night before and leave my eldest on her own in an adult ward at 3am as everything is on me. It's so hard. Happy to talk if that helps but I know exactly what you mean about missing practical support.

@supercali77 I agree. Nothing has ever come out of the messages I sent first. Including bumble.

@Stuckinarut79 well done. Definitely something to discuss in therapy that you felt you had to endure his arm around you and a kiss you didn't want. I can see why he's have thought you would be up for a kiss as he'd had his arm round you. But you can say no at any point. I've had 2 dates where they wanted to kiss me and I didn't. The first was told firmly. The second felt my body react in a jerk against him so didn't push it. Most of the time if I half fancy them I'll give a kiss a try!!

@Lovemusic33 if your daughter get respite do you have a social worker you can ask? (Highly unlikely given current state of social care) Id give action for carers a call as they should be able to advice, would dd2 be ok with overnight respite? Your right trying to be there for dd1 post surgery with dd2 there will be difficult (it’d be impossible for me) but you’ll need to say that, it’s awful having to ask for help but dd1 deserves your support and it’s ok for you to tell people this and say you need help.

@notcool his parents aren't around and no mutual friends as such I would want to get involved. He's all blocked now so hopefully the end of it. He did see the kids though but not sure if that should carry on.

love my DD had that surgery at 18, it changed her life so however hard it is to organise everything, keep in mind that it’s worth it! Also, make sure you’re clear about the timeline. Usually they have braces for a good two years before the actual surgery. Everyone I know who’s had it had been 18 or so, not 15. So you may have longer to plan and find the support you need.

@bangheadhere40 you know the risk he poses. How long was he involved with kids and how old are they? I'd probably be phasing our contact anyway as he's not their dad and it won't go on forever as he or you will meet someone else.

@Notcoolmum kids are 12 and 13.

He was in their life for 4 years.

Crickey this thread moves fast doesn't it? Just checking in really - after yesterday cancellation Mr Mechanic and I have arranged to date tonight instead. I'm looking forward to it - but also pretty nervous. must try to remember rule #3. I'm a bit worried we don't have a huge amount in common. He's message this morning and been a little flirty but nothing bad. Really have no idea which way this ones going to go. Also trying to follow others advice and have multiple irons on the go but haven't had any new matches - and don't really have the heart for it either...... So if the date tonight's a flop - I have no back up.
Anyone have any tips what to do if the conversation runs dry???

oh -just to add @Stuckinarut79, I hope you manage to get some help when you DD has her op? Maybe other child could have some sleepovers with a friend - not sure if thats a possibility for you? Perhaps OLD can take a break while you concentrate on her recovery.
@bangheadhere40 Was it you who's ex sent threatening message (sorry if i got wrong user) Gosh that must be awful and although I don't think my ex would behave like that I do worry how he would react if an when he finds out i have a proper BF on the go.

@iamthrough yes it was my ex. He was okay with me the last few months but it's since he knows I have been OLD he has hit the roof and become horrible.

@iamthrough good luck with the date, if the convo dries up just try and ask questions, anything really! Or limit it to a drink, then less chance of convo drying up.

@bangheadhere40 did he live with you. What was his abuse? How do he kids feel about it and seeing him and do they see their dad? He won't keep up contact if he meets someone else so I'd be fazing it regardless. I had similar as my last real bf was in their lives for 5 years but it ended abruptly. I felt awful another man left their lives after their dad but they were fine. My son can't remember his name now!!

@Notcoolmum yes he lived with me, it's emotional abuse, not physical.

Kids see their dad yes but grew close to my ex...I feel bad for them really if he turns on them, not sure he is that low though, he's just trying to get at me.

From experience he's likely to use contact with the kids to get at you @bangheadhere40
Do you really want an abusive man in their lives?

He has never used them before and has kept them out of it. I have never seen him this bad though. My son is at an age he just messages him directly...I did try and have a word with my son, will again later.