Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Good choice sunshine glad to be an inspiration 😂

simon I gave up the cigs last April. Really ought to name change but I like the nickname Marlbs. I hope you don’t think I was being nasty earlier talking about not wanting to live with a man again. Think it’s personal choice and if I meet the right man then who knows!

Lovely update kermit

Feelings salty woooooooohoooooo 😍

Very lovely update @KermitRulesOk

I've lived on my own for 13 years now. And I want someone to share the load with. Although they bring their own load too. It's cheaper and more practical to have one household than two. And I like the idea of being part of a unit. Not sure it will ever happen for me. But it is my long term aim.

I cannot imagine ever meeting anyone for whom I'd be prepared to have them move in and after how hard I have fought to keep my house out of the ex's sticky paws, not inclined to share. Happy to date, shag and have sleepovers... Not so much laundry or who drank all the milk... Ask me again if the children ever move out!!

I totally get what you're saying about living apart. My ex of 8 years who I broke up with last year used to live with me in my flat for about 4 years. We broke up, she moved out and rented her own place about 200 miles away (close to her family), and we ended up getting back together a couple of months later and having a long distance relationship for the next 3 years.

It was great! We both enjoyed having our own space, and it meant when we saw each other we made the most of our time together, rather than just vegging out on the sofa in our pants. It also meant we got the best of both worlds - doing London stuff at mine, or getting away into the countryside when I went up to visit her.

I wouldn't rule out living together with someone in the future, but am more than happy to see someone without doing so.

ShirleyValintine I feel the same about POF, Tinder and Bumble, I keep toying with the idea of getting rid of them all, every time I go on there and flick through i think “why am I here”, reading through profiles of their sad stories I feel like I’m rehoming a dog that’s been treated badly. Then there are the ones that say they work long hours and don’t have much free time as they have 7 children with 3 different people 😂, it really is hard to find anyone who has their shit together and time to actually date.

I am trying REALLY hard not to message Mr Popcorn-he’s online loads on WhatsApp so I’m guessing he’s met /chatting to someone else and I’m still confused as to why he contacted me last week. Urgh. I know I should block/delete, and I have no idea why I can’t-this is not like me.
So, I’m stopping by here, instead
I have a daytime date on Sunday with Mr Spa-have had 2 long calls with him; I don’t think we’re going to get very far, he doesn’t listen well.
I’d see Mr Movie again but he has his daughter this weekend-we are on clashing weeks, so no idea if/when that can happen.
I’ve matched with a couple of new men on Match but not messaged them.
I’m feeling a bit ‘meh’ and in that place where I’d just like to be curled up drinking a glass of wine & putting the world to rights with someone ..

Hey all need to catch up

I’ve got 2 irons one is local and one is further away

The local one knows people I know from growing up but I don’t remember him. He seems ok except he is asking me a lot of boring questions. He’s asked me twice now what I do in my spare time. I hate this question the honest truth is sit under a blanket eating crisps watching TV

The other one who is newly separated wants to go out this weekend. I am unsure if I fancy hkm or not

@Menora yes I hate those kinds of questions too it's none of your business what I'm doing or not doing, you just focus on what is your business which should be asking me out! @Lovemusic33 exactly what you said finding someone who has their shit together and actually has time to and wants to date is the problem so many on these sites just on for the attention they can get its so pathetic. @TheCatWithTheHat if anyone can actually manage to have anything resembling a loving relationship in this fucked up society we are living in nowadays then I take my hat off to them and I don't think it's anyone elses business if they want to live together or not it's their choice to make. So many couples who do live together are in relationships that are an absolute joke so don't try saying your relationship is better than two people who choose not to live together but do genuinely love each other it really isn't!

@Marlboroandmalbec34 Of course you weren’t, it didn’t come across that way either. You’ll soon be a year cig free then, well done. I’m fairly certain death is the only thing that will stop me smoking

I saw the thread about living together or you're 'not in a serious relationship' - sometimes, for whatever reason, people don't live together who're in serious relationships. People are very unimaginative if they can't understand why that may be the case!

@Lovemusic33 you're exactly right. I get the impression women go online to look for dates, the majority of men want a bloody ego boost.
@Undecidedsofa clashing weekends would just be a total non starter for me I'm afraid.
@Menora hey I've got the same hobby as you .

@KermitRulesOK what a lovely update. Thanks for coming back to let us know how you are

On the living together thing I am a now dating someone I see 2 nights a week and we spend more time together than I did with my husband 🤷🏼‍♀️. When you live with someone you don’t always spend a huge amount of quality time together at all. When you don’t live with someone the time you have together is 100% focused on each other.

I think I’m on the smitten bench now. It quits hard for me after being married to a man who admitted he didn’t even like me in the end. I keep thinking it’s too good to be true and looking for niggles or issues but I all seems to be good. I don’t have any doubts about anything or second guessing things. I think just being honest and saying what you think and need is the key

Happy for you, Jane!

Urgh, I'm feeling pretty low today.
There are things going on with my kids (one of them in particular) which I'm not coping with how I'd like to and the only other person who understands is their dad so I'm in contact with him more than i'd ideally like to be.

I've got the day off, which is rare without kids and both things I had planned have been cancelled.

Mr Ad is coming over later for the weekend, which will be lovely but neither of us have any money and his issues always seem bigger then mine (because they are generally) so I don't want to be all doom and gloom.

I just feel like I'm not loving my best life right now and this isn't who I want to be.

@shitwithsugaron that's a good update, glad you had a nice time with Mr List, and that he text you first! :-)

@Sunshineandflipflops I agree, just take it easy today, and don't feel bad about discussing with Mr Ad, your issues are just as important as his don't forget.

Re me and Mr Straight....we have had a good conversation ,he is trying to get things sorted with house / ex. I am confident the relationship is done there. What will be will be, but I'm trying to just take it easy, not get too over invested, and see what pans out and have told him to do the same. I haven't really wanted to go back on the apps, and am just trying to enjoy a bit of time off from them.

@jane my ex was horrible as well, it's really hard to try and accept genuine compliments isn't it, but just try and enjoy it. I'm glad things are going well for you x

I have a question for you all. I'm really bad at receiving compliments, but I've realized that means I also never give them because I assume the other person will be uncomfortable too.

What do you actually compliment about each other? Examples of how to phrase things would be good too.

Ooh, happy for you too shitwith!

If someone gives me a compliment, I have learned to accept it and say thank you that is lovely of you, instead of questioning things like I would have done previously.

Re giving compliments I would compliment on nice gestures, and make it clear I like it when someone is nice to me and say that was really lovely of you ( something along those lines). I may compliment on someone's looks....

I do find all this difficult though in person, I don't know the answer really.

@UncorrectedDoormat - I usually will list things about Mr G that I like, sometimes it's his looks, or his personality, or his actions. But not all the time, just when I'm especially drunk missing him. He noticed that I tend to giggle or brush him off when he compliments me, which is probably because my ex never did so I'm not used to it. But I'm making a conscious effort to graciously accept his words with eye contact (if applicable, obvs), a smile, and a simple "thank you". His compliments have actually increased since I've made that effort.

@sunshineandflipflops sorry your feeling down. I'd still discuss it just because he has probs doesnt mean he cant discuss urs.

@menora I'm guilty of asking those questions. also guilty of sitting under a blanket eating crisps lol. I worry that I'm just too boring for lost people.

@undecidedsofa when was swirling I found most men had their kids all and every weekend. the weekend is the only time I'd really be kid free. mr builder was the same but he has actually changed his arrangements so we've been meeting up most Saturdays 🙂

on topic of living together, I can see the benefits of living apart and spending quality time together but I'd like to live with someone again, I like the little things like coming home to someone etc.