Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

So that's my plan to deal with mine , what's your plan to deal with yours @bangheadhere40 ?

So many men who seem to want something from you be it sex, attention, whatever but don't want to go to take you out on dates it makes you wonder if they're all working from some kind of manual or something! I hate the pick up culture as if men weren't already being crap enough, now we have to contend with a whole new level of crapness, and they're doing it deliberately in the mistaken belief that it will get them what they want which seems to be maximum results for zero effort

@sexy good plan for you....

I ignored the message last night but have woken up to one in the middle of the night from.him now at 3am!

I think similar, if nothing is mentioned shortly about actually finalising a date ( he talks about it but doesn't act) I will do the same.

If he does I'm going to suggest an evening too and say as his ex has them when he is away with work why would this be any different and see what he says.

Good for you @bangheadhere40
I've deleted Mr reindeer from my phone. Time to forget about men for a bit I think. I'm too busy anyway!

I think a month is more than enough time to organise a first date I'll walk away without a backwards glance if he doesn't I think we're dealing with the same kind of man @bangheadhere40 there's talk of meeting but no actual plans being made you do start to wonder if you're being strung along. But I'll give him another week and see

So many men who seem to want something from you be it sex, attention, whatever but don't want to go to take you out on dates

This with bells on. Call me old fashioned but I’m not even contemplating going to a man’s house/having him to my house unless we’ve been on a good few dates first!

Hi. So I took your advice and asked the guy I have been messaging since before xmas if he would like to meet.
I was answered with the following " I did until the other night when we were talking about the pics I’d sent you and you said something like “well, you’re not ugly anyway...Which kinda made me think that I’m probably not quite the right one for you.Being a “nice” guy isn’t enough"

I didnt say that at all ! He sent me some pics, asked me what I thought and I said he seemed nice ?
What am I meant to say?
I felt like I had to tell him how gorgeous I think he is so that he would agree to meet me.
Am I in the wrong? I'm so confused now.

He's already gaslighting you! Block him.

Tenetenba he sounds hard work, he wanted you to tell him how amazingly sexy he looks in his photos 😂, I’m sure what ever you had said to him would have been wrong, if you had told him he looks amazing he would of probably said you were lying.

marlbs a list sounds good pre meet. It's a shame you couldnt remain freinds due to connection. And yes, simple things like a birthday card etc I think are basics. If he never strayed again but carried on without making these gestures/considering you more would it be enough? Its bloody hard

tenetenba nope! You're not there to plug someones insecurities

Afm. I'm supposed to be seeing mr sailor tonight for his birthday . We were away at the weekend there. I'm just not looking forward to it. For various reasons including he sometimes comes on very very strong and I'm not there. If I tell him, he cools down. I guess there is just something missing. We've been talking and spending time together for months, I dont want to back out of tonight as that would be rubbish. By the same token I know in my sinking heart this isnt for me :(

Oh @Marlboroandmalbec34

A card costs next to nothing and doesn't take much thought really. That's the least he could have done. Even Mr SAS gave me a birthday card when we were doing whatever we were doing and took me out for dinner.

I think as much as you want this to be more, it's just not going to be.

It wouldn’t be enough supercali. What Are you going to do re Mr Sailor?

I know sunshine tbh I’m thinking about cancelling the date and telling him no and blocking. He disappeared mid messages last night. It was late, he will have gone to bed but no goodnight text. He says one thing but shows me again and again how little I mean to him.

salty
Great pre date connections with;
Mr Big, - a mess
Mr Lawyer- told me he was tall and he was actually 5.7 (I’m 5.9) super shy hardly spoke on the date.
Mr Scottish - fun but got v drunk. Not attracted to him
All the rest of my dates have just had quite boring getting to know you messages. The only one I was physically attracted to was Mr Fact. Before I get the ick

Marl I'd go and meet Mr Big but be very wary. I'm wondering if he was just stating a fact - that he has feelings for you - but is not willing to do the whole relationship thing 😕 If that's the case the only way to get over it is NC and blocking him ....

Had a long talk in counselling about the photos and wedding ring. She did help me to realise that those things may not mean to him what I think they do. But I have taken a little step back to protect myself (not that that will help - I'm in too deep!).

That's good @BatshitCrazyWoman can you talk to him about what they do mean to him. You could say you found it a little overwhelming even though you'd been forewarned.

How long were they together before she died?

That’s good batshit can you talk to him about it?

I've already mentioned the photos and said I don't feel comfortable in his house, so I won't be staying there (he asked after I'd been there the first time and seen all the photos). I've left that with him as due to the SDC living there it's not like I could go there very often any way. They know about me but one in particular is not happy he is seeing someone.

The wedding ring I'll address in due course. I don't want to repress my needs in order to be sensitive to his 😕

@Marlboroandmalbec34 It's bloody hard when everyone else is an instant no, or gives you the bleh's. I'm not sure, I feel like it would be shit to back out but equally I just feel like if I go i'll end up bloody saying it whilst there....e.g. not working. Because I can't really pretend it's all fine all night. I feel horrendous. Don't know what to do

@supercali are you supposed to be away overnight somewhere? was thinking if just a couple of hours on his birthday you could just go and get through it, but different if overnight :-(

@bangheadhere40 Initially it was i'd go there and come home alone, then he was saying but that means i'm doing a load of driving he'd come to me and stay. Anyway, i've taken the 'buy yourself time' route and told him i've had to take my DD. I know, I know, but I don't know how to phrase this, it's his bday today, and I just needed some distance. I will give him a call over the weekend

There's an 'interesting' thread on AIBU about whether a relationship can be 'serious' if you don't live together. Just got me thinking. Pre-separation (and in my little bubble) i probably would have agreed but now i see things quite differently. Obviously it's early days still with Mr Ad but I honestly don't want to live with another man. Certainly not while my kids are at home and dependant on me. It wouldn't be possible anyway with Mr Ad as there are issues such as finances (he doesn't have any money basically) but i think part of the reason I am happy in our relationship is that neither of us have any expectation of moving in together.

Part of the conversation on the other thread is that you can't know someone properly until you live with them and see all their annoying habits, etc but I think that's WHY I love my relationship with Mr Ad! I had the years of cleaning up after another grown adult, washing their dirty underwear, cleaning and cooking for them and getting very little in return. I love the odd night/weekend together and then being able to go back to my own little sanctuary and do as I please.

I am, however, serious about Mr Ad and very much see us as a 'relationship'.

Anyone else feel the same or have I gone all cold hearted and bitter...?!

I’m totally with you sunshine and this was basically the conversation I had with Mr Greedy Needy last night. He doesn’t really get that i see living together as the death knell of a relationship and I don’t think that will change. I’ve morphed into a person who wants to be alone most of the time, so when I am with him it’s special and lovely. That said, I would feel differently if we shared DC of course.

@Sunshineandflipflops Nope, i'm the same. I can't ever see me moving in with someone. I like my own space. Domesticity with a partner suffocated me. I like my own space now I have it. Apparently there is a growing trend of together, but living apart. I don't think we're at all unusual

@TigerDater and @supercali77 good to hear I'm not alone in this.

Yes, having children together changes things.

A good friend of mine as been with her bf for around 5 years now. She is mid 40's, him late 40's, neither have children or have ever been married but they haven't moved in together. They live about 45 mins apart and he owns a property there and she rents where she lives but has a job there she loves so they haven't been able to find a compromise that works for both of them as well as living apart but spending weekends and an over night in the week together. They had both been single and independent for so long that they just don't feel the need to live together and they are very happy. Happier than some married, co-habiting couples I know in fact!