Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

notcool that it exactly. I’m already underwhelmed. He says he has feelings for me but nothing so far has changed. He could have come to see me this week when my kids were asleep but he hasn’t suggested it. He messages lots as he always has but they are no more affectionate than they were before. It was my birthday this week and other than a WhatsApp birthday message there was nothing else. He has my address. Tbh even just as an FWB it’s been a year, we speak daily. Even without declarations of feelings and wanting to date a card would have been nice!
He also knows I find it weird we are not Facebook friends. I know we talk lots on here about social media but I have told him before the fact we are not fb friends makes me feel like the OW. Big declarations but no action!

So what do I do?

Since our meet mr straight and I have been messaging all day, flows, great connection.

No other planned meets...I know he can't just drop everything though and he is way more chilled than me.

Do I give it a while? The thing was last time he only bucked his ideas up to meet me when I dropped the chats. I like him so much that is hard to fo though.

I'm completely over invested. These messages create a false sense of intimacy, which is why I wouldn't recommend to anyone else.

Sorry didn't mean to post twice

@bangheadhere40 it's a difficult one isn't it on the one hand not wanting to push it too much when we know they have their kids and friends and other stuff going on but then on the other hand they also need to meet our needs too and it's not unreasonable to need to actually fricking see someone you're supposed to be dating on a fairly regular basis! No real advice to give you sorry. But I need someone who can meet me in person at least once a week and Mr Yorkshireman has already shown me he can't do that .. one date in a month of talking to each other and that's if it actually happens seems a bit rubbish really

Ah @Marlboroandmalbec34 already not great signs. He could have sent you a birthday card. Did he suggest doing anything for your birthday. After a year he knows you well enough to be absolutely clear what he can offer you.

Exactly notcool and no nothing for birthday unless the date at the weekend counts. He says he wants a relationship with me. My kids went to bed at 7 on my birthday. I spent the evening alone with a glass of wine and mumsnet and some messages from him. I don’t know if I watched too much Xmas romcoms but I expected something.

bang it is false intimacy. I think lots of questions were asked the other day about why his ex doesn’t have the kids when he sees her daily etc. Did you get any answer? I’m not one to give advice at the minute the heart wants what it wants but I think your head (and mine) knows if a man wants you he will find a way to see you ☹️

@marlborough indeed! I'm trying to think rationally, and if he wanted to see me he would.☹

No real answers no, I've asked the question but he has avoided the answers.

It’s shit bang. What do you want? Are you looking for a relationship or just fun/ distraction?

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I think you need to be clear what a relationship looks like to him. And whether that meets your expectations. I assume he means exclusive. No more being on the scene. But what else? Providing emotional support? Falling in love? Meeting kids etc. Each other's friends and family. If he was trying to win you over he had a good opportunity for a grand gesture for your birthday. Mr S was the same. I wasn't with him for my birthday but he had made contact and we were in touch and had met up a couple of times. I got a birthday text but no card etc.

notcool I bloody hate birthday card. I have no where to put them and I am crap at sending them BUT it’s his birthday in a few week and I would have sent him one.

I think I need to make a list of what I expect from him.

@marlborough I know I couldn't just do fun with him. He has basically said I live too far away, fair enough, he would do fun though I think, not sure...I know there has always been an issue with distance. I like him enough to get over it, but it's obviously not reciprocated.

I'm not doing that with him, no matter how much I would like to ☹

Hmm, so Mr reindeer didn't want to talk in the end as he's feeling in a mood. We had a WhatsApp conversation, his answers were pretty short. Turns out we can't meet up for another week and that'll be short then not again for another week. It wasn't like this before kids was it?!!

I can't decide whether to just forget it or not. Messaging him leaves me feeling uneasy because I don't know if he'll reply or if he even wants to be messaging and I normally love messaging. But if we don't communicate in between weekly dates it feels...odd. Like I have to just forget him in between? Urgh.

@misty that doesn't sound good. Have you met Mr Reindeer?

Nope it doesn't does it? yes we've met up 3 or 4 times now. I've decided that it shouldnt be this hard and feel this uncomfortable so early on. So I'm backing right off. I think he might be emotionally unavailable...i do seem to attract them.

It sounds a bit like Mr straight is emotionally unavailable too I think...

Oh, and he just disappeared mid conversation this evening. Presumably to bed. But no goodnight or anything. That's just rude isn't it?!

Yes rude. Mr Straight definitely emotionally unavailable and vanishes mid conversation.

I noticed the only time he made an effort was when I pulled right back. I don't want that, I don't feel good about it.

I think we need to listen to how we feel, and if we don't feel happy then it's not right is it.

Sorry it's rubbish for you too x

I agree. I've listened to my gut a lot this past year so I shouldn't stop now! for you too as you've got a lot more emotionally invested in this than me so it'll be hard I know.

We are enough. Whether there is a man in our lives or not.

Yes @Misty and thank you x

The more I think about his story it doesn't add up, he says she can't look after the kids, but does once a fortnight when he is away with work. How can she manage it then?

She is round everyday...still owns half the house, it's not the right time to sort it yet etc.

Can only meet in the daytime etc

I actually think I've been taken for a fool and they are either together/ not over.

The thing that makes me doubt it is he's on pof and manages to chat all night normally. Maybe not together, but definitely not finished. Urgh

I've always thought he was still with his partner @banghead. Too many red flags.

I'm not sure though...I do believe him but maybe he just doesn't want a ldr

@@notcool she definitely has some sort of hold over him though, he could he trying to get back with her. Not good any way you look at it! Too many red flags for sure.

Self indulgent survey
How many of you talked to your irons before meeting in long interesting conversations and did or didn't have chemistry?

@saltysally I prefer not to talk on the phone first before meeting someone for the first time

So after a couple of days of me ignoring him Mr Yorkshireman is back, asking how my weeks going, which feels better to me as a message, not so intrusive. I'll reply and then I think I'll continue to message him but less often and if this date in early February that he's suggested doesn't actually materialize I'll hit him with the 'well, it's been lovely talking to you, but...' and move on and forget about him