Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 i think go for it, only because you haven't found your tipping point yet and still want him despite all the stuff he has done. He might just have now changed but sounds very much like you aren't ready to give up on him yet so no advice from the thread will change that.

With Mr Yorkshireman .. it was me who first said I'd like us to meet after about a week of chatting which led to us swapping numbers then there was another week of chatting with no date arranged then he said he was visiting my hometown at the weekend so I said we should meet then but he said he couldn't as his son would be with him. Then he said when do you want to meet I said how about next weekend but he said he couldn't because he's helping someone move house. I said ok so when then and he said how about the weekend after I said ok but again no firm plans have been made. It's starting to feel like a bit of a mindf**k and I don't like being asked for pictures or to describe every detail of my day I find it really intrusive especially when I've never actually met him. Plus he seems to live on WhatsApp so god knows who he's spending all that time talking to. It's disappointing when you meet someone who seems really normal and genuine at first but then things start not adding up and you wonder. I think I will opt out of the messaging and if he is genuine and genuinely wants to meet me I guess he will step up and make plans with me. And if he's not he won't. In terms of what would be my ideal someone who wants to meet up in person regularly at least once a week and then check in with me via messaging maybe once or twice a day. I'll continue to give him a chance for now but I'm starting to think Mr Yorkshireman isn't what I'm looking for

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking Honestly? Any time I see a lot of detail over something starting / worrying about levels of contact - to me it says there's a problem. Him pursuing you after ditching it last time (for me) wouldn't be enough at all. He'd need to be doing a better job of initiating contact at the least.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I do understand why, esp after Mr Fact. Whatever his faults, you know him pretty well. You know what you're getting. RE: cards on the table, i'd be concerned he'd make promises he can't keep given his nature. His lack of empathy about going away when you were upset...that pricks my ears up too

Marlborough - The date is convenient inasmuch as I don't have children that day and actually chose that hill to die on with STBX regarding changing weekends Childcare so really don't want the date to be cancelled. I will have to drive about 45 minutes, but that's not really a problem for me.

It is just all about boundaries isn't it? What I want and need and how they line up with what he's prepared to give.

So I have date 5 arranged with Mr Joiner for Saturday night! Really enjoying his company but trying to keep perspective, I do have a tendency to over invest!
The last guy I dated I totally fell for but then discovered after 6 months that he was married 🙈
So I'm swinging between over investing and then expecting the worst ... it's a bit stressful but I'm hoping as time goes on I'll feel more secure

It is a crime to threaten to physically harm someone. Doesn't matter whether he has been drinking or not. Please go to the Police.

Marlborough - I think for your own sanity you need to sort this one way or another.

SuperCali - I think I was trying to organise my own thoughts. I'm not sure he's the best communicator . I need to talk to him face to face and find out exactly what's going on... but I'm not holding out any great hopes I think.

@bangheadhere40 (re prior message)

So weird how some of us are getting dates but no messages and some of us are getting messages but no dates! I would prefer dates with few messages in between rather than lots of messages but no or few dates given the choice

@sexy after this headfuck I'm going through with not meeting up, endless messaging I would say just cut back the messages.

Tell him to get back to you when he has a time and place in mind.

@marlborough meet him and see what he has to say x

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking date him again if you want but if he's let you down once chances are he'll do it again
@Marlboroandmalbec34 the two of you need to meet and have a very honest talk about what you both want from this relationship and if you can match this up then it could work. But you need to be really honest with yourselves and each other and be prepared to walk away if need be

Thanks @bangheadhere40 that's what I'm going to do he's just annoying me now! It's a shame but it is what it is. I need to find me someone who actually wants to date!

Thanks guys. I was expecting some telling offs 😂 tbh I know he can’t deliver the emotion and attention I desire. It’s not him. So I almost have a sense of dread about it as he won’t lie and make promises (in person) and I don’t think he will offer enough and then I will end it but I will be so sad to lose his friendship. I am ready for a relationship now and if he cannot offer me one to my liking I need rid of him so I can concentrate on that. My feelings for him are too strong to pretend to be friends.

Unambiguous sounds bloody marvellous, glad you’re doing good. Winters a shit time for dating really. Are you free this weekend to come knock our heads together?

On the messaging thing. I’m an intense messager. I love it when you feel a connection and can bounce back and forth but not bloody penpals!

@shitwithsugaron
Dinner at a steak place near his then maybe back to his place after ... 😉

@Marlboroandmalbec34 that's how it started off with Mr Yorkshireman it felt like a connection had been made and quality messages were being exchanged but not seeming that bothered about meeting in person is a red flag for me and I really don't like being asked for pictures or asked what are you doing I think that's overstepping the mark how is it any of your business what I'm doing and if you want to see more of me arrange to meet me in person don't ask for more pictures!

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I think it’s easy to tell you not to go but I would probably do the same thing.

When Mr SAS ended things because we wanted different things he wanted to stay friends but at that point something inside me said ‘no more’ and I deleted his number. You have to get to that point though and you’re not there yet x

@shitwithsugaron
I'll take one for the team and have one for you 😜

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I did the same with Mr S. We had such an intense connection. Great sex. And I loved him. I thought because he came back after 4 months it must be real. I thought I played it cool and laid out my expectations. What I didn't do well enough was really listen to what he told me. His reasons for coming back were underwhelming. I had good advice from my friends that what he was offering wasn't enough. I ignored it because of our connection and the feeling we were different/special. So my advice would be keep your eyes and ears wide open. What is going to be different. Why. And does it meet your needs. Is he going to stop being on the scene and sleeping other people. What does a relationship look like to him etc. Keep checking in here or with friends to make sure you aren't just seeing what you want to see (which is what I did). I don't regret going back as I know for once and and for all it's done. But it wasn't nice being hurt again.

I had a biopsy on Monday in an intimate area. I am banned from sex for a fortnight. It's all I can fucking think about.

And once I've had the results back it'll be back for a far more intensive minor op in the same area which I am dreading, but it needs to be done. WOnder how long I'll be out of action after that...?

I'm in a similar situation with mr straight, after our meeting we have been messaging none stop. It is definitely building a false sense of intimacy for me.

The connection is there, he has said it is too, I understand he can't just meet at the drop of a hat, I've not pushed it. I don't want to appear clingy after one meet and kiss.

What do I do though? It's a total headfuck.