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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship issues

344 replies

FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 14:45

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 15/01/2020 13:10

trouble is, all the suggestions he gives as to you making yourself happier have no input from him. He cant understand why you dont want to just do the same things that you used to do to bring you happiness.

He doesnt want to be part of your happiness plan, and yet you seem to be totally reliant upon his interest in order to achieve it.

But he isnt interested, is he.

He was interested when you were both single/independant. When you could do things together at a whim. When unhindered by children and talk of children.

But the children have changed that dynamic. You have changed as a result too. And he has stayed the same.

5 years on and he still is the same. You cannot make him WANT to find the kids interesting, even though that is tragically sad for them and you are obviously very upset by that too, because they are part of you both, so their rejection cuts deeper than even his rejection of you. But you cannot change that.

you worry about what he will do, and what women he will end up with. Dont. It doesnt matter if he has a string of young women, none of whom he marries. He has money and, by the sounds of it, international fame. It may not bother him, he already knows he is not the fathering kind.

But you are really on a hiding to nothing following the path that you are following.

FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 13:14

Asking a slightly different Q - how do people think I should approach Friday when he’s back and we will inevitably discuss at some point?

OP posts:
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 13:18

@TorkTorkBam

It’s not the gossiping - it’s what our families and kids think I am worried about. We don’t quit when it gets tough and I don’t really want to share all the details as my mum’s not that well.

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 15/01/2020 13:27

We don’t quit when it gets tough

But that's not a reason to be treated like a doormat. You haven't quit he has by shagging someone else.

minmooch · 15/01/2020 13:54

There's a difference between when life gets tough and somebody treating you appallingly.

Life is tough through illness, money, unemployment. Life is not tough when someone is lying and cheating - that's them being a dick and it shouldn't be 'put up with'.

Well he's cheated once, promised to change, come back and is apparently no better than he was before.

How would I approach it? I'd have his bags packed and outside the house. He wouldn't be worth my time going through the facade of 'oh I'll try harder, I won't cheat (for a while until I'm caught again), I'll pretend to like the kids, I'll only read one paper when looking after the kids'.

It's all just bullshit. Pick up your self respect. Fight harder for what is right for your children - show them you're not this weak woman you are portraying here.

FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 14:05

Is it unreasonable for him to travel every week pretty much for work?

OP posts:
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 14:05

Frankly I don’t think he’ll engage in the conversation with me anyway.....

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 15/01/2020 14:13

Is it unreasonable for him to travel every week pretty much for work?

It's one of the reasons I divorced my ex. He worked away without consultation for 2 years and refused to speak to me while he was away as he was 'too busy'. IMO it's no way to have a relationship

MashedSpud · 15/01/2020 14:54

@LemonTT Me too.

🚤⛷
🦈

pinkhighlighter2 · 15/01/2020 14:55

I am really trying to get my head around Rolfe fact his parents need to be involved With the conversation ? Why do you both need to speak to them on Sunday about your relationship !?

FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 16:03

@SueEllenMishke

Did he come back at weekends? Or was it military? We go through phases of lots of contact - albeit mainly text and calls when he’s staying in London or absolutely none. Which is painful.

OP posts:
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 16:04

@pinkhighlighter2

I have said he should speak to someone, they think it’s all fine again.....

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 15/01/2020 16:08

Did he come back at weekends?

yes but he worked lots at home too.
I didn't want to be in a relationship where we only saw each other at weekends. I found that we became disconnected...what was important to me on a Monday was no longer important when i saw him on a Friday so we weren't involved in each others lives.
I was essentially single without the freedom of being single.

In my current situation both me and DH have to work away occasionally but we always consult each other and speak regularly.

P999 · 15/01/2020 16:21

I'm sorry OP but he needs to 'man up' and leave You? Sorry, but WTF? I dont think you want to listen to the sound advice on all 10 pages of this thread. Which is, of course, your right. Im aftaid you havent got the validation you were looking for here. Nobody thinks you are doing the right thing. Either for yourself or your kids. Am sorry for that. Personally, i have received brutal advice from MN that i didnt want to hear. But i listened. And guess what. The posters were right. Good luck to you. I hope in time you come round to a more balanced and healthy perspective. The alternative, I'm afraid, looks very bleak and depressingFlowers

FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 16:26

@P999

I think he needs to make the call - not me. My guess is that he wants me to throw him out and then he can play the sob story that I didn’t understand his job. Even he won’t want to be thought of as walking out. Sure will all be sorted in the next few weeks anyway

OP posts:
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 16:30

@SueEllenMishke

Did you have kids?
Did you try and persuade him not to be away so much?
Was he good company at the weekends?

I think (not an excuse) that some of our issues come from being away so much. I am bored home alone, the kids play up when he gets back as they are fed up he’s hardly around and he has no rapport so doesn’t know what to do, I have nothing to tell him when he gets back, but have been thinking of random tasks etc. And it goes from there - he gets bored of hotel rooms....loves planes though....and so it goes on. You definitely lose connection though as I feel like a single mum. He has said he’s fed up of all the travelling - not sure if I am meant to take that as a positive...not sure as do.

OP posts:
P999 · 15/01/2020 16:39

I think the honest truth is you want to stay with him and will put up with his crap. All the while blaming the OP instead of him. And there will be a long string of Ops so it's going to consume your life. Sorry, but nothing else makes sense. So good luck and I hope it doesn't screw your kids up. And I hope, when you are 60 and look back on all the time you've wasted, you don't have regrets. Sorry to be brutal. If I were You, I'd ditch the boring job and do something interesting. I'd also ditch the arsehole H. I'd get my life back. Oh, in fact, that's exactly what I DID do a year and a half ago. It's doable. And God knows where you live, but it sounds like it's somewhere that exists back in the deep midst of time..... move to a city. Make changes. Or do nothing. It's your call. Cake

FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 16:51

I agree about the boring job - it doesn’t help at all. I think the only good thing to come of the last 6 weeks is the need to take responsibility for making yourself happy. That said, you would expect that plan would include your partner (the odd date night etc.) which we haven’t really done for one one reason and another in the last 5 years.

OP posts:
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 16:52

I guess I hope that if we spend some time together minus the kids it would remind ourselves that we are partners not just people. The issue is that I don’t think we’ll spend any time together

OP posts:
P999 · 15/01/2020 17:02

I meant to write, 'blame the OW'. Doh.

P999 · 15/01/2020 17:04

I'm sorry to say this. He is bored. He has checked out. He doesn't care. You've sent the message you'll put up with him having OW s. That is his mindset. I'd be gobsmacked if I'm wrong. Whatever you do, good luck.

SueEllenMishke · 15/01/2020 17:11

We didn't have kids. He wanted them but I refused to have them while he worked away so much.
I really disliked him working away and really resented that I wasn't consulted in his decision to make that part of his job.
He also told me he couldn't speak to me every day but found the time for fancy dinners and nights out.....turned out he was shagging a colleague.
He wasn't great company at weekends and he expected me to be around to see him which impacted on my friendships.

I quoted his working away as a reason for divorce.

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2020 17:20

Op, sorry, what exactly are you going to tell his parents? That you think he's having an affair? Surely not?

First you want to tell his bosses. Now his mum and dad. Just deal with it like a grown up. Don't go telling anyone. Sort it with him.

FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 18:38

He’s going to chat it all through with them. Issue is not letting them down doesn’t make him treat me any better!

OP posts:
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 18:39

I’m not telling them anything.

OP posts:
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