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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship issues

344 replies

FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 14:45

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
P999 · 16/01/2020 09:32

So OP, you now have 12 pages of the same advice. You have sympathy, and maybe some frustration too. But now it's time to stop going around in circles and make a decision. Or decide to go to a counsellor (on your own) to help you make that decision. What are you going to do? (and I mean you, not him or his parents. YOU. And no more cliche talk about being a 'passenger' in life. This is real life, not cheesy tv). I think you will get SO much support if you stop the constant ruminating and actually get a grip and take decisive action. Also, you're in such a strong situation, given how cash is not an issue. So theres no excuse. Am really hoping you will! I'm not sure i can stick to this thread if it's another 12 pages of repetition, but no progress....Flowers

TorkTorkBam · 16/01/2020 09:35

Don't you want to feel again?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 10:35

I think that’s probably true. The point re trying to get his attention is also true. She asked again this morning when he was back and also if she could buy him some presents. The worst thing is that I am sure he doesn’t care as otherwise he’d come back to the house tonight to see the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 10:44

They have 2 parents - me and their nanny who they are very close to. It’s always her they ask for, not him. This is a blessing and a curse as I think it pushes him away.....they’ll ask for him a lot after we’ve been on holiday but soon give up. The eldest can read now and has said some things to him / to him via our nanny which have surprised him as I think he always thought it was me prompting the questions......

I agree though - the kids will be suffering.

If I leave him though I may not meet anyone else (I think I will, although taking on 2 small kids will be a big ask), or if I do he may not love the kids in the way a biological / adoptive parent would.

It’s all very unfortunate - when the kids were board everyone was saying that they were so fortunate. If only that had proved to be true!

OP posts:
P999 · 16/01/2020 11:02

Please get that counselling appointment NOW! And until you 're establish some sense of self worth, please do not even entertain the idea of a new relationship. We are in the 21st century!!!! With your current mindset, you will only attract abusive cunts. Sorry to be blunt. But until you realise you are an independent agent, don't go anywhere near another man!!!! (that said, am hopeful that you are finally entertaining the thought of leaving that great big turd of an H). On a positive note about You, you sound lije an absolutely doting, loving mum. You're kuds will be more than fine!!! Xxxx

TorkTorkBam · 16/01/2020 11:05

If I leave him though I may not meet anyone else

So? Do you need a man in the house to feel successful?

It seems fairly normal where I live for single mothers to not want a live in partner and to be very happy dating single dads without ever moving in together.

My sister is divorced and is in a very happy long term relationship with a man who does not live with her and whom she mostly sees when the kids are with their dad. He sometimes stays over at hers and vice versa (children are teens). The two families go on holidays and days out together. It works really well for everyone.

The children's dad remarried because he needed a house-elf. Everyone's happy. Except the new wife who gets the ex's shit now.

P999 · 16/01/2020 11:29

OP. Your kids are much more resilient than you think. Plus, you clearly adore them and are a fabulous mum. So please knock the idea out of your head NOW that they can't be happy and well adjusted without a man in the house. If, once you are ready (And not vulnerable to predatory fuckers) to meet someone. Great. But focus on the here and now. The future will take care of itself IF you focus on doing the right thing here and now

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 11:54

I try to be a good mum - essentially I am their only present and active parent. We had to look at the kids school reading log today - he’s only read once to then in 18 months!

OP posts:
P999 · 16/01/2020 12:13

Bollocks to him. Bored of hearing what a useless fuck he is! It's pretty black a white! Now I want you to book that counselling appointment. Today. Unravel all the nonsense in your head and take control again. Will You?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 12:29

If I didn’t see him again i don’t think I would care - but it’s not just me to think about. The issue that women have had for years with useless husbands who don’t like being proper dads.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 16/01/2020 12:48

Who else is affected? There are the children but what is working now for them that would be lost if you split?

TorkTorkBam · 16/01/2020 12:50

If you are willing to put up with him being useless for the sake of, well, whatever it is you get out of this, then bite the bullet and go open marriage so at least you can stop stressing about his fancy ladies and can get a little fun and action yourself.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 13:16

@torktorkbam

House, nanny they adore, friends, school, his parents....it’s quite a long list. Until now they have noticed nothing as it’s normal for them - daddy works and is home at the weekend. They get to spend their weekends doing fun kid stuff with us both.

It’s such a nightmare - would I want the kids to stay in a relationship like this. No way.

Maybe I am too reliant on him for happiness but I would be happy if he offered love ana support - I don’t need him to provide all my happiness, just show an interest in it.

Anyway - I am going to ask him if he’s having an affair - no doubt he’ll deny it. The same thing happened last time - have affair, get mega stressed. No wonder, lying all the time at home / work must be tiring!

OP posts:
minmooch · 16/01/2020 13:34

suffering.

If I leave him though I may not meet anyone else (I think I will, although taking on 2 small kids will be a big ask), or if I do he may not love the kids in the way a biological / adoptive parent would.

Their biological father doesn't seem to love them in a particularly nice way.

Dozer · 16/01/2020 13:36

Woman up!

He is not going to admit the affair and is sure you will put up and shut up, as you are doing so far.

Let him entertain the DC and do something yourself this weekend. The family activities are a facade.

Your nanny isn’t a co-parent. She’s a paid employee who, if made redundant, could get another job and perhaps stay in touch. The other people affected could also continue with their relationships with the DC.

Dozer · 16/01/2020 13:37

“ They get to spend their weekends doing fun kid stuff with us both”

In a toxic and deceitful situation where neither adult is having genuine fun.

TorkTorkBam · 16/01/2020 13:49

I don't see why they would lose any of that list. Maybe move house. Why would they stop seeing grandparents or change school? Why would you change nanny?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 14:06

@torktorkbam

Because I would prefer to live closer to my family - and we live where we are now for proximity to London and it’s very expensive for housing.

Longer term I think a complete shift of location would be best. Very hard short term.

Grandparents on his side would have a very long trip - and frankly I am not sure I would want them knowing all my business and relaying back. Also we would hardly have a family Christmas, birthday, Easter with everyone staying over at my new house for his side of the family as we have always done before.....

OP posts:
P999 · 16/01/2020 15:35

OP, am glad to hear all of this, but still a bit worried about your fragile sense of self worth (which comes across quite strongly in your posts). Have you given any thought to counselling? It will be completely confidential and I see absolutely no downsides (only huge benefits) for you.

Dozer · 16/01/2020 15:36

You may well be restricted legally on relocation. You would need legal advice on that.

Missarad · 16/01/2020 17:14

Are they in private or normal school and if u split can u afford schools fees etc. Upto u xx

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 17:20

Private. I couldn’t - he could.

OP posts:
P999 · 16/01/2020 18:46

Is he likely to not pay or be difficult if you leave him? He sounds like an arsehole. But not that type of arsehole. Sounds selfish, rather than cruel or vindictive. Is that right?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 18:53

@p999

Pretty sure he’ll pay. Selfish and juvenile (wants fun not family life with all the hard work that entails)

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 16/01/2020 18:54

@p999

I sometimes wonder if he’s hoping to be thrown out - have someone else decide for him rather than be the b@stard that leaves. He can then live near his work and focus on that - have a nice batchelor pad which would be better than hotels all the time

OP posts: