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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship issues

344 replies

FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 14:45

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
CustomerCervixDepartment · 15/01/2020 10:22

This thread is just OP wittering on and on and on and on obsessively about her shit husband. You’re all wasting your time, she’s just typing the same sentences over and over. No thought to her kids stuck in their farcical gilded cage, just all about the man. He said, he thinks, he did, he didn’t, he went, he , he he.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 10:27

@customercervixdepartment

Not helpful, unlike the other posters. Guess your user name says it all really.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 10:33

There are also plenty of studies that show if you stick at it you end up happier in the end. That may not be possible here I know.

OP posts:
YasssKween · 15/01/2020 10:41

OP I think you need to accept that nobody is going to post on here saying anything other than you should leave.

Everyone is going on the information you've given and that information is making us all come to the conclusion that the relationship is unhealthy and not an environment that is best for the children.

I know that's probably difficult to hear but no matter how many times you repeat that it could work / why can't it work / you've heard it can work, that isn't what anyone else thinks and they are just being honest with you.

You're going to end up frustrated if you continue repeating that narrative because nobody thinks it is sensible or right for you and the kids.

Sorry, posters are just being honest Thanks

ohwheniknow · 15/01/2020 10:54

There are also plenty of studies that show if you stick at it you end up happier in the end.

What utter bullshit.

SueEllenMishke · 15/01/2020 11:00

There are also plenty of studies that show if you stick at it you end up happier in the end. That may not be possible here I know.

That's really no true

SueEllenMishke · 15/01/2020 11:00

*not

ClaireT1308 · 15/01/2020 11:06

@customercervixdepartment tells the truth! Everyone posting here is wasting their time, this woman is deluded and beyond help.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 15/01/2020 11:16

I have posted in among your wittering earlier, op, so fuck up. My username is great, thanks hekdmfjrj890 or whatever inspired series of letters you selected 😄 good luck with your shit lifestyle choices.

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/01/2020 11:19

@FMO1976

You come across so detached and in your own weird bubble Confused

It is clear you feel ashamed of becoming a divorcee. News flash, it's no longer a big deal in the society. Especially since the husband is a cheat.

You have two options really - put up or shut up. If you shut up, you will end up feeling miserable, unloved and rejected. If you put up, you will compromise your lifestyle (potentially, all depend on you financial situation) for a period of time, there will be some inconveniences and adjustments will have to be made BUT you will re-discover yourself (hopefully) and will give yourself a chance to become happy.

You only have one life. Is this how you want to spend it?

SueEllenMishke · 15/01/2020 11:22

I find it really hard to believe that you don't know anyone who has been divorced or that there are no divorced parents at your children's school.

There is really no shame in leaving a marriage that makes you unhappy.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 11:31

It’s honestly true. At the school there are no divorced parents in either kids years. Partly cultural as there are Chinese and Asian populations too. Anyway, no one at the school would notice as he never takes them, picks them up, goes to parents evenings etc. He used to so I guess that tells it’s own story.....

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 15/01/2020 11:35

That's very unusual given the current statistics around divorce.

People at school would be interested for about 5 mins then they'd move on to something new.

LemonTT · 15/01/2020 11:46

Let’s get this straight

You are a highly paid executive and your husband is an even more highly paid executive. Your family income is over £700k pa. You have nannies plural. You are an ex international athlete. There are no divorced people in your entire community. Yet ....

You consider outing your husband’s affair at work
You pick up children from school even though the nanny is specifically employed to do it
You appear to have no self esteem or confidence
Both of you are do lacking in financial and emotional resilience you would need to sell the house and move if you divorced.

I’m not entirely sure there is any advice that would suit such a life. Nothing really makes sense or adds up.

YasssKween · 15/01/2020 11:55

OP you're literally just ignoring people who have taken the time to send thought out posts with personal experience / advice.

Are you here for someone to just tell you yes, stay and it'll all be fine? Because that isn't going to happen. At all.

So it seems odd to just keep ignoring people's advice and posting the same stuff about how it could work / saying you don't know why he is the way he is etc over and over?

Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 12:06

@LemonTT

I drop them off sometimes and pick them up the day I don’t work. We have one nanny and she picks them up the other days and prepares their food. Sometimes she does leave a little bit early if I am home - we have argued before as when he used to get home for the nanny occasionally he was often late / or sat in the study until the last possible moment before taking over which I found weird. He can’t understand why I would let her go 15/20 min early if I am home. I agree with all the posters and appreciate the input....he’s a liar and a cheat, to both me and to his children. He doesn’t want to be an involved father, merely to provide the financial support so that he can dip in and out as he chooses.

You are right that it’s gone on a long time, but also he doesn’t pick his clients and they are paying the airfares etc. He sends me photos of his boarding passes so I know what flights he on in case there were ever to be an accident etc. He has always done that, not a recent weird thing.

I think money has caused some issues - often I have wished that I had to work so there would be no procrastination.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 12:08

He’s back early evening Friday so will speak to him then (if he’ll speak to me) and then raise it with his parents on Sunday. My guess is that when I ask him to stop sneaking about he’ll opt to leave. However, when we got to a similar point last time he refused to communicate to anyone, tell the school (we both have to meet the Head - it’s not the kind of school where parents runaway!), nanny, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 12:10

It’s all just weird. His head is definitely screwed up - the sport makes you very resilient, and able to turn off emotions and get on. Otherwise you’d crumble under the pressure of the TV etc. I guess that’s what I am leaning on here

OP posts:
rebecca102 · 15/01/2020 12:17

What the hell are you doing with this filth. Your children will suffer more by you staying and you're setting a bad example. They will find out one day. Crazy!

SueEllenMishke · 15/01/2020 12:23

What happens if he says he'll stop sneaking around but have affairs out in the open? or if he refuses to stop sneaking around?

Why is this his decision? Take control!

gamerchick · 15/01/2020 12:27

Well you could always have a convert about opening the marriage up. Both fuck who you want but carry on the lifestyle

Not something I would choose, but picking through all your posts and what's seemingly more important to you (money, the lifestyle etc) then it seems like a solution.

Letting his work know will just make you look like a dick and he'll probably leave you for it. Might be the best thing all round.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 12:38

It’s not all about him - but I do think he should ‘man up’ and be the one to leave. Otherwise I quit, and he’ll just be able to say - what did she expect, I have a busy job, I wasn’t having an affair she was crazy etc., she didn’t want the lifestyle, just to sit at home..... better for the kids to find out when they are young adults, as surely they will, what a cheat their father was and that he walked out. Not that I expect we’ll get that far - my guess is that he’ll just drift out of the picture.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 12:39

It’s not helped that we work together and know lots of the same people....

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 15/01/2020 12:45

Other people will give no fucks. You'll be 15 minutes of gossip for divorcing. Let's face it if he's having affairs at work then everyone will be gossiping like mad. Booting him out will most likely end the gossip. Then you'll get all the people opening up about how they agonised about whether to tell you he's a sleazebag and opted to keep you in the dark. I'd put money on your mutual colleagues openly wondering why you put up with it. I seriously doubt anyone will be shocked at anything except you finding your self-respect.

LemonTT · 15/01/2020 13:09

I just keep getting visions of Fonzy on skis and finned amphibians. Lots of them.